Chapter 115 --> Fake Midlife Crisis

[Clarence]

Phil is sitting down to supper with his wife Nancy and two children, Greg (age 8) and Lillian (Age 13).

They are in a wonderful nice home with a beautifully decorated kitchen and huge dining table all done up fancy. A nice lobster dinner has been served and they all begin to eat.

Phil: I love you guys so much, my wonderful family.

Greg: I love you too Dad!

Lillian: You're the best Father ever!

Nancy: Live is so perfect!

Phil: It sure is!

Nancy: So what did you do today?

Phil: Well as you know, Steve has retired from being Steroids Man and I was helping him transition in to retirement, and also helped out with training his replacement: Pencil Man.

Greg: How come we never got to meet Steroids Man?

Phil: He just goes by Steve now.

Lillian: I want to meet him Daddy!

Nancy: We can have him over for supper some time, why not tomorrow night?

Phil Just sits in his seat holding a fork with some food on it and thinking deeply about the idea, looking a little concerned.

Phil: I suppose we can set something up....

~~~~

We cut to a news broadcast with breaking news:

Reporter: And in broad daylight, a man on a motorcycle from the gang "Hells Fury" has stabbed a rival gang member in broad daylight. This is a very horrible crime indeed as it happened right next to a daycare and children were playing......

~~

We show a bunch of bikers, all big mean looking men wearing leather and doo-rags etc. You know, traditional bad bottom looking biker guys, tattoos and the like. They are all sitting at different tables, drinking and playing cards. Really scruffy looking bad-bottom-mother-smurf.

Suddenly the doors bust open to reveal Steve (formerly Steroids Man) and Pencil Man looking in.

There's intensity in the air as all the gang members stop paying cards and cease talking and look at Steve and Pencil Man.

Steve and Pencil Man stare back at the biker gang also looking intense.

It's very quiet and we switch to the biker gang looking.... and Steve and Pencil Man looking...

This goes on for a bit to very dramatic music as we keep zooming in closer and closer to everyone's faces until suddenly...

Pencil Man (turning to Steve): You know what, this may be a big step, can we just do some smaller scale super hero stuff and work our way up to this?

Steve: Yeah, let's do that, these guys look way too serious and I'm still pretty full from lunch to do this.

Steve and Pencil Man quietly leave and shut the door behind them.

Double Clutch: What the hell was Steroids Man doing here?

Drive Shaft: He was probably here because Low Gear stabbed a guy to death today!

Low Gear: Sorry guys....

Drive Shaft: Yeah, I been meaning to talk to you about that. You killed a guy today, and now we all look bad!

Double Clutch: Yeah, we created this group to discuss motorcycles and help each other with repairs and etc... maybe play cards and have a drink from time to time... and you killed someone!

Red Line: This is going to totally ruin our image!

Drive Shaft: They're right, you took it too far.

Low Gear: I don't know what came over me guys.... I just really wanted to shoot a guy today.

Vacuum Secondary: Shame on you.

Low Gear: *sob* I'm going to leave now.

Low Gear leaves the room with his head hung down in shame.

Drive Shaft: Where did we go wrong?

Piston Rod: I think it's because we painted flames around our logo, nothing bad ever happened before we upgraded our logo.

Double Clutch: The flames look damn cool though.

Drive Shaft: *sigh* ... now what do we do?

Red Line: Well... we could start a gun club?

Grain Elevator: Yeah, and we can go around town and show people our guns and shoot them in the air, and people will know that we're cool!

Drive Shaft: Yeah that could be fun. Let's do it!

Everyone hollers and cheers and shoot guns into the air and we fade out.

~~~~

Steve and Pencil Man are at the mall standing and talking while eating ice cream cones as people walk by behind and in front of them.

Pencil Man (while licking the ice cream): So ummm... now where do we go for crime?

Steve (Also enjoying an ice cream): Well, the Narcoleptic Kleptomaniac is always stealing things here, you could try to catch that guy.

We pan out to see two security guards escorting a sleepy looking guy to the office. The sleepy criminal begins snoring and sleeping while on his feet.

Steve: Oh.... it looks like the mall security already got him.

Pencil Man: Hmmm... can we find something a little more challenging than this, but not as challenging as fighting an entire motor-cycle gang on their home turf?

Steve: You know... it doesn't work that way. You can't just pick and choose your crimes to stop, you have to take on all challenges to be a great super hero and replace me so I can finally have my glorious retirement party and leave this damn city behind.

Pencil Man: OK but....

Loud voice: PENCIL MAN!!!!

Steve: This sounds promising.

Steve and Pencil Man turn around to see a man in a very menacing looking black mechanical pencil costume towering over them. A tall evil looking man who looks like a high tech mechanical pencil in an upright position, completely dwarfing Pencil Man's height and with a superior costume design and flashing lights and etc.

Mechanical Pencil Man: Pencil Man! Taking a break and eating some ice cream, are we?

Mechanical Pencil Man grunts and squints and makes painful facial expressions as a large piece of lead pushes out of the top of Mechanical Pencil Man's tip and falls off and Mechanical Pencil Man catches it. Mechanical Pencil Man takes this large piece of lead and jabs it into a shopper's neck and he screams as blood gushes out of his jugular vein and he falls over. Before this random shopper falls from being stabbed with lead, Mechanical Pencil Man takes his ice cream away and begins to lick it.

(don't worry, no blood got on the ice cream)

Mechanical Pencil Man (licking the ice cream): Yes, this ice cream is very good... very good indeed.

Pencil Man looks on scared and Steve looks bored or confused.

Mechanical Pencil Man: You know what this ice cream needs? RUM!

Mechanical Pencil Man grunts and screams and pushes out another piece of lead from the tip of the pencil costume and it falls into his hand, he then jabs the piece of lead into another random shopper's ear and through the other side, as this shopper falls dead, Mechanical Pencil Man grabs the bottle of rum he had, opens it, and begins to pour it all over the ice cream cone.

Mechanical Pencil Man (licking the ice cream): Yes, yummy rum flavored ice cream, a delicious treat! Oh this is so good!

Pencil Man: NOT FAIR DAD!!! You know I'm a recovering alcoholic who hasn't drank in well over 20 years!!!

Steve: "Dad"?

Mechanical Pencil Man: I very much doubt you will ever defeat alcohol, just like you'll never defeat me! You are a terrible son and a disgrace and will never be able to rise up and prove yourself as a hero! You're WEAK!!!!

Pencil Man is crying and trying to dry his tears with a large pink eraser.

You're like those really crappy cheap pencils that you find at the dollar store that have those rubber erasers that don't even work, and when you go to erase something, it just smears the page!

Pencil Man gasps loudly and loses his breath and falls down and starts coughing and then picks himself up and runs away flailing his arms while scream-crying leaving Steve and Mechanical Pencil Man alone.

Steve: You're a major douche-bag.

Mechanical Pencil Man: Good luck with your replacement... or should I say..... BAD-PLACEMENT!

....

Steve: That was hella lame man, seriously.

Mechanical Pencil Man flips Steve the bird and walks away after buying a new MP3 player at the electronics store.

~~~~~

We cut to Steve's living-room ... Pencil Man is on the couch crying loudly surrounded by discarded empty and crushed Pepsi cans. Steve watches over him in shock.

Steve: You're sure ummm.... hitting the Pepsi awfully hard, huh?

Before Pencil Man answers, he chugs back a can of Pepsi, crushes it, tosses it behind the couch and opens another can.

Pencil Man: I haven't drank alcohol in nearly 20 years.... when I have a day like this... with what happened at the mall, I turn to Pepsi.

Pencil Man chugs this next can, crushes it and tosses it, and opens another.

Steve: Yeah about that.... what the smurf was that? Is that your Father?

Pencil Man: Let me tell you the tragic full story about my Dad A.K.A Mechanical Pencil Man and everything that has happened to my life to bring me here today.

Steve: No.

Pencil Man: ...what?

Steve: I really... just don't want to hear a long story right now.

Pencil Man looks devastated and Amanda comes into the room.

Amanda: You drank all my Pepsi!

Steve: So what? We can buy more Pepsi.

Amanda (to Steve): You balloon knot!!!!

Amanda loudly calling Steve an balloon knot prompts Phil, The Robot, Dougette and the cats to enter the living room and see what's going on.

Steve: No, you're the balloon knot, jabberwocky!

Amanda: GO smurf YOURSELF YOU KING OF JERKS!

Steve: IF I'M THE KING, THAN YOU'RE THE QUEEN ... OF BEING A jabberwocky!!!!

Amanda: I'm so sorry baby!

Steve: Me too!!!

They begin to make out passionately and run upstairs and have wild crazy tickle fight so hard that ceiling light fixtures fall off downstairs.

~~~~

Later, everyone is back in the living-room. Amanda and Steve look kind of disheveled and are cuddling.

Amanda: I love you so much baby!

Steve: I love you too my wife!

Phil: You guys were just fighting earlier....

Steve: I'm going to level with you guys. Remember the day Metal Face came and set the mansion on fire and we almost died? Well before that we were fighting for a long time and were about to get a divorce until I quit Steroids and Amanda quit crack.

Amanda: The make-up tickle fight was the best tickle fight we ever had.

Steve: So now we sometimes intentionally fight and piss each other off so we can apologize and get straight to make-up tickle fight.

Dougette: I like it!

Dougette hauls off and back hands her new fiance, the robot in the face.

Robot: HEY -- WHAT'S THE DEALIO jabberwocky!!!

The robot punches Dougette in the jaw and dislocates it and sends her flying across the room and through a wall. Dougette crawls out covered in gyp-rock.

Dougette: .... *cough* .... make up tickle fight? *cough*

Phil: Anyway.... guys.... I ummm..... don't know how to say this.

Everyone looks at Phil wondering what he's about to say, except for Pencil Man who just continues to drink can after can of Pepsi while crying.

Phil: I would like to invite you all to meet my family.

There's a pause and everyone looks at everyone else confused, except again Pencil Man who drinks Pepsi.

Steve: You don't have a family.

Phil: Right, the real Phil didn't have a family... but I am a hologram who lives on in his name... and I decided to give myself the family that Phil never had.

Amanda: Did you just draw faces on those empty cardboard toiler paper rolls and call them your family?

Steve: Ohhhh, nice one!

Amanda: You know it!

Amanda and Steve high five.

Phil: NO! I created a simulation of the wife and kids I never had.

Dougette: Wow that's sad.

Phil: ANYWAY! They really want to meet you guys... so I'm inviting you all over for supper.

Steve: Can't you just program them to not want to meet us?

Phil: No, this family means a lot to me and I want to live as real of a life as possible on my down time. Real people don't have the option to reprogram people so I won't do that.

Amanda: I kind of want to check this out.

Phil: Everyone come with me.

Everyone leaves the room and Pencil Man remains alone, drinking cans of Pepsi. Phil comes back for him.

Phil: Hey there... did you want to come too? Check out this virtual world I created? Could be fun.

Pencil Man: *sob* OK, fine.

~~~~

Everyone meets Phil in a new room of the mansion. The room is equipped fancy looking chairs and helmets that have cords attached to some kind of a giant computer.

Phil: OK everyone, take a seat, there's plenty of room for all.

Amanda: How did you build all this? You can't touch anything.

Phil: The robot helped me.

Robot: HOW COME NOBODY EVER CALLS ME TRENT? MY NAME IS TRENT!

Everyone has a seat and prepares to check out this simulation Phil has created.

Phil: OK guys, just one thing, the family I created has no idea that they're a simulation. Knowing this could completely destroy their world.... and mine. So please, try to act natural and not give anything away, the results could be devastating.

Steve: *sigh* If they find out... can't you just reset everything so they never knew it happened?

Phil: *sigh* I really wouldn't want to have to do that. Real people don't have the option to just "reset" things.

Steve: The only thing that's real about you, is how much of a pain in my bottom....

Amanda: Can we just see this already? I'm dying to meet the family he created for himself.

Phil: OK, let's go!

Steve, Amanda, Dougette and Pencil Man sit in the seats and place the helmets on, connecting them to the computer. The robot simply opens a compartment on himself pulls out a cord which he plugs into a slot and Phil's holographic image disappears as he gets transferred into the computer.

~~~~~

After meeting Phil's family, they all sit down and begin supper. It's like being in the Matrix or something, everything seems so real, but they are all just in a simulation.

Nancy (Phil's wife) serves everyone their lobster meals.

Nancy: Thank you all for coming over for supper!

Steve: Can we even eat in here?

Phil gives Steve a dirty look.

Phil (whispering angrily): Yes you can eat in here but it won't actually feed you in real life.

Nancy: What was that hun?

Phil: Nothing dear.

Lillian (Phil's daughter): I love you so much daddy.

Dougette: Awww.

Phil: I love you too sweetie!

Greg: Your the best daddy ever! You're my hero.

Amanda chokes on some of the lobster and spits it out.

Amanda: Oh come on, this family is way too fake!

Phil: Come on guys keep it together....

Dougette: I can't believe it, it really feels like I'm eating lobster!

Nancy (to Phil): Are these guys OK?

Phil: Yes dear, why don't you go bring out some drinks for our guests?

Nancy: OK.

Nancy leaves.

Phil: Kids, did you want to go help your Mother?

Lillian: OK!

Greg: Anything for YOU Daddy!

After Phil's simulated family leaves the room Phil stands up to confront Steve, Amanda, Dougette, the robot, and Pencil Man.

Phil (uncharacteristically angry): Can you guys keep it together, PLEASE!

Everyone is a little shocked.

Phil: This means a lot to me, OK? PLEASE, don't wreck this for me, GOT IT?

Steve just sits there with his mouth open in shock and some lobster falls out and Pencil Man just looks on in awe....

Pencil Man: I didn't even say anything this whole time!

Nancy and the children come back and the children give everyone wine glasses while Nancy serves wine.

Pencil Man: Hey... I haven't drank in about 15 years... is it ok for me to drink this?

Nancy: Hmmm... you probably shouldn't then.

Pencil Man: Phil, come here for a minute.

Phil: *sigh*

Pencil Man whispers to Phil: Do you think I can drink this computer simulated wine, and it be OK?

Phil (whispering back): Well it's not real, so no real alcohol will enter your system.

Pencil Man (loudly to Nancy): I'll take some wine after-all!!

Steve (tugging on Phil's arm before he can sit down and whispering): Hey... can you hook me up with some holographic steroid syringes?

Phil gives Steve an intensely severe dirty look and they continue to eat supper.

....

Everyone finishes dinner and is getting ready to leave.

Amanda: Well thanks for having us over.

Pencil Man: Before we go, can I just have one more glass of wine?

Nancy: Wow, OK. I can't believe you're not drunk, you've had about 13 glasses.

Pencil Man: One for every year I have been sober!

Steve: OK, well we should be going!

Nancy: Oh you guys are just going to eat and leave? We never even got to give you a tour of our wonderful home!

Dougette: Well that's a shame, let's get going.

Robot: YES.... I BELIEVE I LEFT THE .... OVEN ON.

Nancy looks really disappointed, as do the kids.

Phil (extremely stern): You guys are taking the house tour!

Dougette: I'm scared!

They go through the house looking at room after room and talking and the guests are getting very bored.

Steve: This is torture.

Nancy: What was that?

Steve: Nice curtains.... jabberwocky.

Nancy: What was that last part?

Steve: I hate you.

Nancy: ....what.....

Phil: Don't worry about Steve, he's just drunk, right Steve?

Steve: Good-bye!

Steve just disappears and so does Amanda

.... they are back in the real world after removing their helmets.

Steve: That was hell.

Amanda: I can't believe how fake that family was.... I mean I get that he wants to experiment with living a normal life and having a family... but they were way too phoney! Nobody talks like that or acts like that. Like... wow.

Steve: Let's go fight with each other and then have awesome make-up tickle fight.

Amanda: OK!

~~~back in the simulation...

Nancy and the children are in shock after seeing Steve and Amanda vanish into thin air. Phil, Dougette, the robot and Pencil Man are also here.

Nancy: What just happened.....

Phil: Looks like Steve and Amanda had to run....

Nancy: But... they just disappeared.... they were gone in an instant....

Phil: Baby... you're probably just drunk.

Greg: But I seen it too!

Lillian: What's going on Daddy?

Nancy: I'm scared, I'm really scared!

Pencil Man: Hey, sorry if this is a bad time... but do you got anymore wine?

Phil: Damn it, go to the basement!

Pencil Man: I am so there!

Pencil Man runs off while Nancy continues to freak out.

Nancy: What's going on??! Seriously, what just happened? Why are you making it seem like I'm crazy?

Robot: CALM DOWN!!!!

The robot begins to shake Nancy violently.

Nancy: What's happening!?!?!?

Robot: CALM DOWN jabberwocky!!!!

Nancy: LET ME GO!

The robot shakes Nancy so violently that her head flails around like crazy and we hear a loud snapping noise and see her head fall back in an unnatural way. The robot lets her go and she collapses and is not responsive.

Lillian and Greg: Mommy!

They go up to their mother and Phil goes down and checks on Nancy.

Phil: Oh my goodness.... you broke her neck... she's dead!

Robot: OK --- THAT IS NOT MY FAULT! YOU CLEARLY PROGRAMMED HER NECK TO BE FAR TOO WEAK! THIS WOULD NOT HAVE HAPPENED IN THE REAL WORLD!!

Greg: What does he mean Daddy?

Lillian: Mommy no....

Phil: Nancy..... I'm so sorry *cries*

Dougette: We should go. We got... stuff to do....

Robot: RIGHT.... STUFF.....

Dougette: Yeah, let's go do that stuff.

Dougette and the robot leave the simulation and are back in the real world. Dougette takes the helmet off and gets out of the chair and the robot unplugs himself from the computer.

Dougette: Let's get the hell out of here!

Dougette and the robot run out of the room leaving only Pencil Man hooked into the simulation with a big smile on his face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

We see a group of the same motorcycle gang members from earlier in the episode enter a public park where people are enjoying the outdoors, running, playing Frisbee and etc.

Trigger Finger (Formerly Drive Shaft): I'm so glad we moved away from being in a motorcycle gang.

Double Barrel: (Formerly Double Clutch): Yeah, me too! Now let's show everyone here how cool our new gun club is!!

All the gun club members cheer and begin shooting guns up in the air and at random trees and etc as everyone in the park runs away in terror. The gun club members all have fun and keep shooting their guns off until....

Suddenly a random pencil sticks into the neck of one of the gun club members.

Pistol Whip: What the smurf!!

Suddenly everyone gets attacked by flying pencils that all stick in the gun club member's body parts. They all collapse to the ground in pain and Pencil Man approaches the scene holding his arm out and smoke coming from the pencil shooting mechanism attached to his arm, Steve follows in.

Steve: Awesome work pal!

Pencil Man: Thanks, I'm definitely feeling better about this!

Pencil Man and Steve go through town and Steve watches as Pencil Man successfully apprehends more criminals, mostly using his pencil projectiles and other pencil related weapons.

~~~~

A few days go by....

Steve and Amanda are hanging out on the couch, cuddling and watching TV.

Amanda: So how is your replacement doing?

Steve: Pencil Man is doing A LOT better, he's actually cleaning up this city... kind of putting me to shame really....

Amanda: Well, you're one step closer to your retirement party!

Steve: Yup, he still has one problem though...

Amanda: Oh?

Steve: This other guy in a black pencil costume keeps randomly showing up and when he does, Pencil Man breaks down and cries and runs away. I think he improved though... last time we ran into that guy, Pencil Man didn't cry.... but he puked a lot...

Amanda: Weird. I'm sure he'll get past it.

They continue watching TV and then Amanda realizes something.

Amanda: What ever happened to Phil?

Steve: Who cares?

Amanda: No really though... we haven't seen him since we visited his hologram family....

Steve: Then the visit was a success.

Amanda: I think we should go looking for him.

Steve: *sigh* you're going to owe me so much tickle fight...

~~

After searching other areas, Steve and Amanda end up in the room with the chairs that are hooked up to the computer. They see Pencil Man is sitting in one of the seats with the helmet on connected to the computer.

Steve: Huh... so this is where Pencil Man always goes after we go home.

Amanda: Pencil Man is hanging out with Phil in his computer game?

Steve: Well mystery solved, Phil is just spending more time in his fake fake life because he realizes his real fake life sucks.

Amanda: Let's go in there.

Steve: ....so much tickle fight.

Amanda and Steve hook into the computer alongside Pencil Man.

~~~

Amanda and Steve suddenly appear in the fake reality that Phil created. They emerge in the standard entry point, at the front door of Phil's house.

Amanda and Steve are shocked to see the house now looks like crap, siding falling off, broken windows, yard a mess and the door hanging by only one hinge.

Amanda: What the hell happened in here?

Steve: This reminds me of the apartment I used to rent with Dave when I first started to become a super hero.

They enter the house to see Pencil Man on a rocking chair and beer bottles all over the messy living room. Phil's kids are here too, and they are wearing dirty clothes and look very filthy.

Steve: Pencil Man?

Pencil Man: Hey there Steve, how's it going?

Steve: What the hell are you doing hanging out in Phil's imaginary house?

Pencil Man: This is where the booze is. (takes a drink)

Steve: What...

Pencil Man: I can't drink in the real world... not with my perfect 5 year sobriety streak... so I drink this simulated beer in here. I can drink all I want without any repercussions.

Steve and Amanda just stare blankly in shock as Pencil Man drinks 2 more beers.

Pencil Man: I would like to see Mechanical Pencil Man try to bring me down in here!

Amanda: Where's Phil?

Pencil Man: Not sure... I haven't seen him since he went insane and trashed this house and then wandered off.

Steve: What the hell....

Amanda: Where's his wife?

Pencil Man: I think she died or something....

Lillian: I miss our Mommy.....

Greg: Yeah, our new pencil mommy sucks.....

Pencil Man: Shut up and steal me some more alcohol.

Kids: (sadly) OK....

Amanda (To Steve): You need to find Phil and talk to him, he might be having a break down or something.

Steve: Do I have too? Can't we just turn this computer program off and then throw the computer in a swamp somewhere?

Amanda: No, I really feel bad for the guy.... I mean first he dies... and then he comes back to life and he creates a fake wife for himself... which also dies. Don't you feel bad at all for the guy?

Steve: Nope!

Amanda: Well you're going to find him, or no tickle fight.

Steve: Are you serious? Phil is going to get in the way of our tickle fight life again???

Amanda: I'm holding out until you find him. And who knows, maybe tickle fight after with-holding tickle fight will be just as good as make up tickle fight.

Steve: Fine, I'll find the balloon knot, get this over with.

~~

We hear some kind of adventure music as Steve searches the whole town inside the computer virtual reality environment. Steve is surprised at how vast the virtual city is.... it is an exact replica of Marzipan City including many computer programmed people and places that are fully operational. Steve searches building after building and asks person after person.

Steve: Damn it, Phil where are you? I been searching for 20 minutes.....

Steve walks around yelling Phil's name and sees Greg, his dirty kid carrying a 12 pack of beer.

Steve: Have you see your Dad?

Greg: I've given up all hope I'll ever see him again... now I got to get this beer to Mr. Pencil Man.

Steve: smurf.

Steve searches the police station and the Wal-Mart and place after place until checking with the hospital and finding out Phil has been admitted.

~~

Steve enters Phil's room in the hospital to see him hooked up to machines and looking very sick.

Steve: ...Phil?

Phil: Father... have you come to read me my last rights?

Steve: No, it's me, Steroids Man ... I mean Steve. What are you doing in here?

Phil: Oh... Steve. Hey there.

Steve: Why are you in the hospital?

Phil: I'm dying.

Steve: What....

Phil: All of my vital organs are failing.... I will be dead in minutes....

Steve: You're already dead. You're a hologram of a dead guy.

Phil: Well, I'm dying again.

Steve: No you're not.

Phil: Yes I am, damn it!

Steve: Will you just cut the crap, you created this whole virtual reality, none of it is real, and you're not really dying.

Phil: Can you just please, pretend this is real and actually care?

Steve: What?

Phil: Be concerned that I'm dying!

Steve: But you're not really dying!

Phil: Can't you just pretend this is a real situation and say something nice to me? Like "Oh no buddy, please don't die" or something?

Steve: No.

Phil: For smurf sakes, can you just fake it? Just say one nice thing to me, even if you don't mean it. Can't you at least do that???

Steve: No, I can't do that.

Phil: But you don't have to mean it!

Steve: I know... but I can't bring myself to say it.... even if we both know it's fake. Which it would be very, very fake. Faker than this fake hospital we're in.

Phil's heart monitor starts beating rapidly and his vital signs are failing.

Phil: You're killing me...

Steve: Oh whatever.

Phil: Why do you hate me so much? Seriously? You act like I'm the worst person in the world. What is it???

Steve: You want to know why I hate you so much?

Phil: Yes, please tell me!

Steve: It's because you're not Phil. The real Phil is dead! (Steve suddenly gets emotional) You're just a constant memory that he died and that ...

Phil: What....

Steve: I never got to apologize to the real Phil for being so mean to him all those years.... and he died in my arms thinking I hated him.... and I can never tell him I'm sorry, OK? And you're not the real him and it pisses me off!

Phil sits up out of his bed.

Phil: You mean... you do care about me?

Steve: No, I just feel bad for what happened to the real Phil and that I never got closure. I guess I do kind of feel bad for him, but not for you.

Phil: But I'm Phil.... I'm programmed from his bran scan...

Steve: You're not. Phil never did this.... this whole fake reality thing and desperate plea for me to like you.... this is weird... you're weird. Phil is dead and you're some computer program gone wrong.

There's an awkward silence.

Phil: What do I need to do?

Steve: You need to not be Phil anymore. I can't handle it anymore, and I certainly can't handle this crap.

Phil thinks deeply about this.

~~~

Amanda, Steve, Dougette and the robot are in the living room watching TV.

Dougette is looking at her ring from her recent engagement with the robot.

Dougette: Say... is this just a random metal nut that you pulled off your robot body that you stuck on my finger and called an engagement ring?

Robot: UMMMMMM--- COULD USE A DISTRACTION RIGHT NOW....

Suddenly this guy slides into the room as if he was sliding on ice wearing a full white tuxedo and wide brimmed white top hat and a purple tie.

Mysterious guy: What's up my peeps!

Steve: ...who the hell are you?

Mysterious guy: It's me, Clint!

Everyone just looks at this guy confused.

Clint: Who wants to have a break dance party with me?

Amanda: Get this guy out of here.

Steve: OK pal, you got the wrong house.

Steve goes to grab Clint to escort him out of the house, but Steve's arms go right through the guy.

Steve: What the ... oh no... hologram.....

Dougette: Phil?

Clint: Phil? Don't know who that guy is but he sure sounds square.

Clint finishes his sentence by forming a square shape in the air with his index fingers.

Steve: Phil... what are you doing now?

Clint: Hey bro-slice, like I said, Phil is gone, there is only Clint now and I'm so much cooler than that guy. We're going to be super awesome friends!

Steve: STOP IT!!! JUST smurf STOP IT!!!

Clint and everyone else is just silent.

Steve: You smurf idiot! This isn't the answer! Creating a new personality?? Clint?!!?! What the smurf is this!

Clint just looks at Steve sadly.

Steve: Here's what we're going to do. You're going to lose this Clint thing, because it's even more annoying than Phil. You're going to go back to being Phil and we're going to pretend all of this never happened, and I'll be less mean to you, OK?

Clint thinks about it and then nods.

Clint/Phil: OK.

~~~~

Dougette and the robot enter the room where Phil's computer virtual reality is set up.

Dougette: Maybe now it will be free so we can have tickle fight in real life and in the virtual reality at the same time!

They look in the room to see Pencil Man is still hooked up to the computer.

Robot: DAMN IT!

Dougette: Oh come on, what is with this guy? He is always here! Let's get to the bottom of this!

Dougette and the robot enter the computer reality.

~~

Pencil Man is drinking whiskey straight in the computer house of Phil, which is now abandoned. Dougette and the robot enter in to see this.

Dougette: Why are you always in here man? We need a turn!

Pencil Man: You're going to have to wait until I'm done. I'm having a drinking party.

Robot: YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE HERE...

Dougette: Go drink in real life! It's more fun and you actually get drunk!

Pencil Man: I can't.... I used to be an alcoholic... I haven't drank in this many years!

Pencil Man holds up two fingers.

Dougette: So instead of drinking out there, you drink fake beer in here?

Pencil Man: Yeah.....

Robot: THAT'S RETARDED!

Dougette: My sexy man is right, this is a dumb idea.

Pencil Man: It's the only way I can keep my sobriety. I don't want to go back to being an alcoholic!

Dougette: But don't you see? You're still an alcoholic!

Pencil Man: No I'm not!

Dougette: Instead of solving your drinking problem, you simply ran away from it, and now you're hiding here pretending you're not an alcoholic.

Pencil Man: But what am I suppose to do? I need to run away from beer because when I drink in real life, I can't stop drinking.

Dougette: You need to just have one or two beer, and then have the will-power to stop. Not just run from it all-together. You need to conquer this! Isn't drinking something you enjoy?

Pencil Man: Yeah....

Dougette: So be responsible, have a drink from time to time, don't run away from the problem and be a man. Be a smurf man! Learn some self control!

Pencil Man: you're right damn it!

Suddenly Pencil Man disappears as he exits the virtual reality program.

Dougette: Thank goodness that guy left, now we can get it on!

~~

We cut to Pencil Man in the living room by himself with an open bottle of beer that hasn't been touched yet. We keep zooming in as Pencil Man looks at the bottle... sweating... while the bottle also sweats from condensation.

Pencil Man (thinking): Can I do this... Can I just drink this one bottle and walk away... after being sober for months?

Suddenly Pencil Man takes the bottle and takes a drink and sets it down.

Pencil Man: There... I did it! I had a drink.... it feels so good. I think I can control it this time!

Pencil Man watches some TV and later finishes the bottle.

Pencil Man: There, I finished it. And I'm done. I feel good and I don't want another one. I'm friggen happy!

Pencil Man stands up triumphantly.

Pencil Man: I'M NO LONGER AN ALCOHOLIC!

~~~

Amanda and Steve are in bed after some serious tickle fight.

Amanda: That was so good baby!

Steve: I know.

Amanda: I can't wait to start our new life away from here, just you and me.

Steve: And away from Phil and the rest of the people who annoy us on a daily basis.

Amanda: If Pencil Man is ready let's just do your retirement party next week, usher him in and live happily ever after.

Steve: Oh, Pencil Man is ready, nothing is going to stop us from leaving now!


~~~~

We cut to late at night... maybe 1 ... 2 am. A late night bar where people are drinking. Some people in their 20s on an outside balcony part of the bar that overlooks the sidewalk.

Guy: Oh man... I'm so drunk.

Girl: What a great night!

Suddenly in the distance we hear someone screaming.

Loud voice: I AM NO LONGER A SLAVE TO LIQUOR!

Guy: Who said that?

Another guy looks down the street to see a figure running up the street toward them.

Other Guy: Maybe I'm drunk... but it looks like a giant pencil heading our way.

It is Pencil Man and he runs closer to the balcony with the people drinking and holding beer.

Pencil Man: I'M NO LONGER AN ALCOHOLIC!!!!

Pencil Man runs toward the balcony and reaches up from the street, grabbing at the girls beer.

Pencil Man: GIVE ME THAT BEER YOU missus friendly!!!!

Pencil Man yanks the beer from the girl, also whipping her off the balcony and onto the ground and drinks her beer, deep-throating the bottle to get every last drop and runs off.

Pencil Man (in the distance): I'M FREE!!!!! I GOT MY DRINKING UNDER CONTROL!!!!!

[Wesley]

The way these are written..... I can totally "see" them happening in my head.

I wish you could plug my head in and see the cool show you just wrote!


.... or go back to Doug handing Steroids Man a piece of pie from his motorcycle!


ANyway, Virtual Alcoholism! That is awesome! Almost as bad as punching a baby!