Chapter 106 --> Phil 2.0

[Clarence]

We cut to a hospital and then show inside. Steroids Man is outside of a door to a patient's room.

Nurse: You can go in, but make it brief.

Steroids Man: Ok.

Steroids Man goes into the room and we see a man in bed covered up with a blanket and with his back toward Steroids Man. All we can see is his hair but can't get a look at his face.

Steroids Man: Tilford?

DeShaun: My name is DeShaun... it's not that hard to remember!

Steroids Man: Anyway, I came to visit you. My wife made you some banana bread to make you feel better about losing your face...

Steroids Man pulls some badly burnt and crappy looking banana bread out of a bag.

Steroids Man: Wow... this banana bread is horrible. For some reason Amanda is really slacking lately... she used to make this really good. I probably should have looked at it first.... oh well. Want it on the night stand?

DeShaun: Maybe you should just leave.

Steroids Man: What?

DeShaun rolls around in bed and at the same time the sun breaks through the clouds and shines in the hospital room to give Steroids Man a good look at his face. His face is all burned off and bloody and bones are showing and it's full of pus and all messed up. He looks very scary.

DeShaun: GET THE smurf OUT!!!

Steroids Man is severely frightened by DeShaun's deformed face and drops the banana bread and it shatters.

Steroids Man: WHAT THE HELL!!!!! YOUR FACE IS smurf UP!!!! WHY AREN'T YOU IN ANY BANDAGES?!?!?!?!?

DeShaun: YOU RUINED MY LIFE!!! GET OUT!!

Steroids Man runs away while screaming and then forgets everything when he finds a chocolate bar vending machine.

~~~~~

Steroids Man and Amanda are doing each other late at night. They have been having violent and crazy tickle fight for like 4 hours now.

Amanda: OH YES!!!! GIVE IT TO ME!!!

Steroids Man: Wait... there's blood coming out of your nose, are you ok?

Amanda: There's blood coming out of your nose!!!

Steroids Man: No there isn't....

Amanda punches Steroids Man in the nose.

Amanda: Yes there is! NOW DO ME HARDER!

Steroids Man: I need a break! Crap!

Steroids Man gets up and puts on a bath robe and leaves and goes to the kitchen and grabs a beer. Growing ever concerned for Amanda's recent wacky and kind of scary behavior.

As Steroids Man sits in the kitchen and does steroids and has a beer, we hear Phil's voice....

Phil: Hello? Anyone?

Steroids Man spits out all his beer in shock and it sprays all over, he then takes another sip.

Phil: Is anyone there? Hello?

Steroids Man spits out all his beer again.

Steroids Man (Very nervous): ....Phil?

Phil: Steroids Man?

Steroids Man follows the voice and it leads to Phil's office. It's empty but there is a laptop facing the chair and we see the light coming off it from the dark.

Steroids Man: Phil?

Phil: Right here.

Steroids Man sits in Phil's chair and faces the laptop, on the laptop we see Phil's face talking.

Steroids Man: Ok, that's the last time I buy steroids from that guy.

Phil: How are you doing?

Steroids Man: I'm very freaked out. How did you get in the computer?

Phil: Well, I'm just an electronic representation of Phil. You know how Phil has that technology in his head? Well he found a way to interface with the computer and scan his brain. I am essentially Phil and I have all his memories.

Steroids Man just looks on.

Phil: Phil is my best friend .... and I am Phil's best friend because nobody else is as nice to him... that's another reason why he created me... so he would have someone to talk too.

Steroids Man: Wow.

Phil: Here's the thing though, Phil does a nightly brain scan to keep me up to date on his memories... but it's been 3 nights now and no word from him .... he's never missed a night. I am growing a little concerned here.

Steroids Man takes a sip of beer and looks really upset.

Phil: Is ... Phil ok?

Steroids Man has no idea how to break the news that Phil has died to this other version of Phil.

Steroids Man: Well goodnight.

Steroids Man shuts the laptop and begins to leave.

Phil: Wait, where are you going?

Steroids Man: Nowheres.....

Steroids Man goes over and kicks the plug out of the wall and then begins to leave.

Phil: Steroids Man... please don't leave me alone in here.

Steroids Man is starting to tear up.

Steroids Man: Oh man....

Steroids Man sits down back in Phil's chair and opens the laptop back up. Phil sees Steroids Man is upset.

Phil: Tell me what's going on....

Steroids Man: I don't know how to tell you this but .....

There's a pause and Phil just looks on with an expression that says "get on with it"

Steroids Man: ... you died. Your funeral is tomorrow.

Pause

Steroids Man: I'm so sorry....

Phil: No.... it can't be .... I was so young....

Phil begins to tear up as Steroids Man drinks.

Steroids Man: I'm very sorry.

Phil: What happened to me?

Steroids Man: Dr. Bad became a robot and killed you with a laser beam...

Phil: Dr. Bad? Are you serious? After all the years I spent taking care of him.....

Steroids Man: But we'll give you a wonderful sent off and a great funeral.

Phil: I just can't believe it .... I never even got an erection.

Steroids Man: You did actually... just before you died. And it never went away.....

Phil: Who's doing the eulogy?

Steroids Man: I was going to try it.

Phil: No. No, no no no no. I'll do it.

Steroids Man takes another drink.

Steroids Man: Phil?

Phil: Yes?

Steroids Man: I was a pretty huge princess sophia to you for a long time...... I just want to apologize.....

Pause

Steroids Man: Would you forgive me?

Phil: Well, I can forgive you, but I'm not the real Phil. I'm just a computerized version oh him. I'm afraid the real Phil can never receive your apology.

Steroids Man: Oh come on man!

~~~~~

Steroids Man gathers with Amanda and Dougette with her one arm and they sit around the laptop with Phil on it.

Dougette: I can't believe it, he's a computer now?

Steroids Man: Well he always had the personality of a computer.

Phil: Come on man, I'm not even in the ground yet.

Amanda: This is some smurf up shazam! right here.

Phil: What happened to your arm, Dougette?

Dougette: DON'T CALL ATTENTION TO IT!!!

Steroids Man: Dr. Bad blew his arm off.... also the robot got dead.

Phil: How did you guys defeat him?

Steroids Man: It was all me. I'm the hero, remember?

Phil: You couldn't save me though...

Steroids Man: I tried though.

Dougette is shaking his head no in the background.

~~~~

At the church, they get ready for the funeral. In the back, Steroids Man is with Phil 2.0 looking at Phil's corpse in the coffin. Steroids Man is holding Phil's laptop.

Phil: As I gaze upon my dead body... I can't even explain the feeling I'm receiving.

Steroids Man: How do you think I feel? I have to watch as you stare at your dead self...

Phil just keeps looking down at his dead body.

Steroids Man: Can we go and get on with the funeral now? I'm getting bored.

Steroids Man leans over and rests his arm on the coffin and his weight causes the coffin stand to collapse and the coffin falls to the ground and gets damaged and Phil's corpse rolls out.

Phil 2.0: WHAT THE smurf!??!?!!

Steroids Man: shazam! I'm sorry!

Phil: This is horrible, put me back in the coffin!

Steroids Man places the coffin back in the upright position and goes to grab Phil's body. Steroids Man turns Phil's body over to reveal a huge boner under dress pants.

Phil: Oh my gosh.

Steroids Man: I guess it never goes away when you die huh? You always wanted a boner and now you'll have one for all eternity.

Phil: Just put me back in there, please.

Steroids Man drags Phil's corpse back into the coffin and bumps him around a few times in the process.

~~~~~

The funeral begins and there's prayers and a priest talking and all that.

Steroids Man, Amanda and Dougette are in the front. Dougette is scratching herself feverishly with the one arm.

Steroids Man (whispering): What's wrong with you?

Dougette: I got a mosquito bite.... it was annoying at first but scratching it feels so wonderful!

Suddenly a large TV gets wheeled up and faces the audience. Phil appears on the screen as it's hooked up to the laptop.

Phil: Hey everyone, thanks for coming to my funeral. I would now like to say a few words about myself.

Suddenly this woman stands up.

Woman: What the hell is this?

Phil: Mom?

Suddenly a guy stands up next to her.

Phil: Dad?

Steroids Man: What? I didn't know his parents were here, why aren't they sitting up front?

Mom: Because he was so dreadfully dull to be around when alive, why would we want to get so close when he's dead?

Amanda: WHOA!

Dad: We're just lucky that the good son didn't die.

Another guy stands up who kind of looks like Phil with with spiffy hair gelled back. This is Phil's brother.

Phil: Patrick?

Patrick: The one and only.

The parents hug and shower Patrick with love.

Mom: Anyway, what's this crap with the monitor and talking Phil head?

Dad: Leave it Phil to ruin a proper funeral.

Dougette: Man, those guys suck.

Phil: Why did you guys even come here?

Dad: Very slow day and we just happened to be driving by and seen the sign about your funeral.

Patrick: I hope this ends soon, my favourite show is coming on and I don't want to have to watch it after everyone else has already seen it.

Steroids Man stands right up.

Steroids Man: Stop it! You guys are horrible people.

Phil: You don't need to get involved....

Steroids Man: Yes I do. Phil is my friend and he was a good person before he became a computer.

Phil is starting to get choked up, a response that the real Phil would have had just now.

Steroids Man: You guys are the worst family I ever seen! No wonder he would have rather spend time with an elderly guy than with you. (Dr. Bad)

Amanda: Phil, you don't need those people, we are your real family.

Amanda starts crying uncontrollably.

Phil: Thank you guys very much.

Phil's family begins to leave.

Dad: Come on, let's grab a hotdog.

As they leave Phil continues to talk.

Phil: Sorry about that guys...

Steroids Man: Don't be sorry man, I'm sorry your family sucks and I was mean to you all these years. You're a good guy.

Phil smiles.

Steroids Man: I mean sure, everyone has their faults and sure you can be really dull sometimes.... painfully dull. I remember I have fallen asleep many times while you've talked to me, even after drinking a Red Bull.

Phil starts to get sad again.

Steroids Man: We all make mistakes too. I mean getting involved in someone's tickle fight life is pretty smurf up. Basically preventing me and the girl of my dreams from having tickle fight is really smurf up. I mean what the smurf was that?

Amanda: Stop.

Steroids Man: Sorry, I'll let you talk about yourself some more.

They sit down and when Phil begins to talk again, Dougette starts freaking out and flailing her arm and kicking her legs out.

Phil: What's going on now?

Dougette: Sorry... I just had an epiphany.

Steroids Man: Man, you can't have an epiphany at a funeral! You know how smurf up that is?

Phil: Ok, you know what? Let's just get to the burying me part.

~~~~~

The funeral commences as they lower Phil's casket into the ground. Steroids Man consoles Amanda and Phil's laptop is being held by Dougette.

Dougette gets bitten by a mosquito.

Dougette: Sweet! Another delicious mosquito bite to scratch.

Phil: We should be quiet during this part....

Amanda is crying her bottom off.

Amanda: I just can't believe this is happening! Life is so cruel!

Steroids Man: Why are you so upset by this.... are you on your period?

Amanda bawls her eyes out.

Amanda: I need to go to the bathroom.

Steroids Man: There's no bathrooms here, this is a cemetery.

Amanda: Then I'll go behind that tree.

Amanda goes behind the tree and we hear loud sniffing noises and Steroids Man looks on confused.

Amanda: YES YES YESS!!!!!!!!!!! THE RUSH!!!!

Amanda comes back out and joins Steroids Man.

Steroids Man: Are you ok?

Amanda: Yes... I just ... peed.

~~~~~~~~~

They come home and Steroids Man sits on the couch and places Phil's open laptop on the coffee table.

Steroids Man: So...

Phil: Yup.

Steroids Man: I bet you want me to turn you off now?

Phil: Why would you do that?

Steroids Man: Well.... you died... so wouldn't you want to rest in piece?

Phil: My body died, but my brain lives on.

Steroids Man: So you're sticking around?

Phil: Yeah, why not?

Steroids Man: Great....

Phil: It's sad that I have passed on but we must move on. I feel that at the very least I can be more useful to you and your superhero life.

Steroids Man: What...

Phil: I can be like your crime fighting computer and have wall monitors built in all over for you to talk to me and also be like your home security system and warn you of danger.

Steroids Man: So... you want to be all over the house as monitors and talk to me all the time.

Phil: Yes, we can get really close and always be with each together. Buddies for life! I may even figure out a way to scan your brain so we can both live forever as computers.

Steroids Man has this cold dead look on his face.

Phil: Anyway, can you plug this laptop back in to recharge?

Steroids Man: Ok.

Steroids Man picks up the laptop to carry into the office when he drops it. Steroids Man picks it back up.

Steroids Man: Oh crap, are you ok?

Phil: Yes.. I think so, be careful.

Steroids Man: Ok.

Steroids Man "trips" again and throws the laptop into the hard metal part of the wall and pieces break off it. Steroids Man again goes over to pick it up.

Steroids Man: Oh man, did I delete you?

Phil: No! Are you trying to delete me?

Steroids Man: No.... of course not.

~~~~~

Later a bunch of workers are installing monitors in every room and wiring. They are all dressed in uniforms and appear to be part a very well organized company. Phil is on a table instructing the workers.

Dougette comes into the kitchen to grab some fruit cake.

Dougette: What's going on in here?

Phil: I'm installing myself into the household so I can be of better use to everyone.

Dougette: That's cool.

Dougette looks a little sad.

Phil: How are you doing?

Dougette: I'm kind of feeling down... I've become addicted to something recently and my source ran out.

Phil: Addicted to what?

Dougette: Mosquito bites.

Phil: What?

Dougette: I want to get more mosquito bites because scratching them is ecstasy!

Phil: ummm....

Dougette: Since you're a computer now, can you research what attracts mosquitoes to bite people?

~~~~

Amanda is out patrolling the streets. As chief of police she shouldn't be doing this as often as she does as she has more important tasks to do... but...

Amanda searches and find a cocaine dealer just finishing a deal.

Amanda: Finally!!!

Amanda runs into the alleyway and confronts the criminal.

Amanda: Give me the cocaine.

Dealer: You'll never catch me pig!

The dealer runs and Amanda chases and knocks him down. She beats the shazam! out of him and starts punching him until he's clearly knocked out and she punches some more. she punches and punches until her hands are bloody and continues to punch and then takes his bags of cocaine.

Amanda: Being a cop is AWESOME!

Amanda notices something sticking out of the dealer's pocket.

Amanda: What's this?

She reaches down and picks up 4 tickets.

Amanda: Curling tickets?

~~~~

Amanda, Steroids Man and Dougette hang out in the living room after a long day.

Amanda: Sure is quieter in here without the robot huh?

Suddenly a new monitor built into a wall turns on.

Phil: Hey guys, how is it going?

Steroids Man: A lot worse.

Dougette: Things have been so crazy lately with the death and destruction and me losing an arm... I want to go out and do something fun.

Amanda: Oh, I got tickets to play curling at the curling arena! We should all play curling.

Dougette: I never played before.

Steroids Man: What's curling?

Phil: Well I can explain that one. Curling is a game where you slide stones across ice and try to get the most points by having the most stones closest to the target. Let me show you some visuals.

Phil's face on the monitor is replaced with some images regarding curling.

Steroids Man: That could be fun I guess.

Amanda: Let's all go!

They all leave and Phil is alone on his wall monitor.

Phil: Oh....

~~~~

Steroids Man, Dougette and Amanda arrive at the curling rink and get a homeless guy to play with them after finding out they need a fourth player. They then find another team to play against.

Mike from the other team talks to Steroids Man and team.

Mike: Hey guys, have you ever played curling before?

Steroids Man: No.

Mike: Well it's really simple, just slide the rock and try to get it in that red circle.

Steroids Man: Ok.

Dougette: What are the brooms for?

Mike: When your teammate shoots the rock, you sweep if you need it to move faster. Also if the rock goes past this line, the other team can use the broom for an advantage.

Dougette: Ok. do I need two arms for this?

Mike: You should be ok.

Steroids Man: Ok, let's go!

They all begin to play and Steroids Man goes first. Steroids Man throws the stone across the arena and it flies in the air and smashes into the ice leaving a gash.

Mike: You're suppose to slide the stone!!!!! You can't throw it!!!!

Steroids Man: Sorry!

Rink Manager: One more action like that and you're out!

Amanda slides a rock across and Steroids Man and the homeless guy begin sweeping.

Amanda: SWEEP!!!!!! SWEEP YOU MOTHER smurf!

Steroids Man and the homeless guy are sweeping for all their worth as people look at Amanda screaming.

Amanda: SWEEP HARDER!!!! GOOOOOOOOOOOO SWEEP YOU mister friendly SUCKERS!!!

The homeless guy starts going around bumming for change while the other team sets up to slide a rock.

Dougette remembers what the guy said "Also if the rock goes past this line, the other team can use the broom for an advantage."

Mike is ready to make his move and shoot the rock when Dougette comes over and busts the broom over his head, blood falls everywhere as Mike falls down.

Steroids Man: What the hell?

Dougette: I'm playing by the rules!

Rink Manager: I'm calling the cops!

Amanda tries to hide her identity by putting up her hood.

Steroids Man: Let's get the hell out of here!

The homeless guy urinates on the ice.

~~~~~~~

Later Dougette is in the woods. She has taken knowledge from Phil to prepare to indulge in her newest addiction. She has found out that being stinky like not showering, wearing black, breathing heavy, sweating, running around, staying warm and also sweating attracts mosquitoes.

http://insects.about.com/od/flies/a/how ... -bites.htm

That's why she has jogged into the woods wearing stinky old black sports clothes and having the sun beat down and absorb the heat in the black clothing.

Dougette: Finally, I will have more mosquito bites to scratch! I'm so excited!

Dougette is covered in sweat and is breathing really heavy about to have a heat stroke.

Dougette pulls something out of her pockets.

Dougette: Now for the kicker, drinking this beer and eating this Limburger cheese!

Dougette consumes the drink and food and falls to her knees and takes off her clothes.

Dougette: Feast on my body!!!!

Swarms of mosquitoes surround her as she rolls around scratching herself in ecstasy.

~~~~~~~~~

Anyway, Dougette, Steroids Man, Amanda and Phil begin to adjust to their new lives.....

~~~~~~~~~

Late at night we show the cemetery where Phil was buried..... we show many tombstones and focus on Phil's tombstone.. we then look further down to see Phil's grave dug up and coffin ripped open.....

We then see Phil standing and smacking dirt off himself and begin to leave the cemetery.





Don't miss the next one, things get weird!

[Wesley]

YOU get weird!