Chapter 102 --> Steroids Man's Father Comes Home

[Clarence]

WARNING: This episode features scenes of extreme depravity and very disturbing moments. Please stick with it to the end though to see how it ends!


Steroids Man is hanging out with Dave on the couch playing video games. Dave is high as a kite.

Steroids Man: This is so great to be here playing video games with you again. with my best friend back in my life and my new happy marriage, things couldn't be more awesome!

Dave: Yeah man I agree *bong hit*, it's so cool to be doing this again. I feel like I never left.

Steroids Man: Please never leave again!

Dave: Don't worry buddy, I'm sticking around this time!

Dave looks into his large duffel bag.

Dave: Oh crap, I got to go.

Steroids Man (standing up abruptly): What???

Dave: I'm just going to visit Dad then come back. Want to come?

Steroids Man: Sure.

Steroids Man is very excited over the notion of meeting Dave's Father.

~~~~~

Steroids Man and Dave find themselves in a very heavy weed smelling apartment in the bad part of town. There is an old man with long grey hair and a long grey beard doing up weed bags for Dave. Dave and this man are smoking up.

Dave: Come on Steroids Man, you should buy some weed, Dad has the best stuff!

Steroids Man: I probably shouldn't.

Dave: Oh come on, it's Dad! He has the best stuff in town!

Steroids Man: Ok, maybe a small bag.

Dad: You have a good friend there, Dave.

After completing the drug deal, Dave hugs Dad and they part ways. Steroids Man feels happy for Dave but at the same time wishes he knew his own Father.

After they leave another guy comes in to meet Dad.

Some other guy: Hey Dad, I'm here for the stuff.

Dad: Sure thing sonny.

~~~~

A few black people are sitting on a couch in another part of town.

Black Guy #1: Man we should get some weed!

Black Guy #2: And Shrooms!

Black Guy #3: Yeah, let's do it, I think Craig is home, he can get us the stuff.

Black Guy #1: No, I know a guy who got REAL good stuff, goes by the name "Dad".

Black Guy #4: That's a wacky name for a drug dealer.

~~~~~

Amanda comes home to find Steroids Man stoned on the couch with Dave. They are playing old school Nintendo games. Steroids Man's eyes are so red.

Amanda: Steroids Man!

Steroids Man: Welcome home baby. *chuckles*

Steroids Man holds up his ring hand and smiles greatly.

Steroids Man: We are so married!

Amanda: What's with the weed smell? You can smell it up the street! I'm the chief of police! I can't have this going on here, do you know how smurf up this is!

Dave: Your girlfriend is harshing my buzz man.

Amanda stares at Dave with such force that Dave actually gets scared and hides behind cushions.

Amanda: Steroids Man, can we talk?

Steroids Man and Amanda leave the room and Dave comes out of hiding and plays more video games and smokes up.

The Robot and his girlfriend, Dirty Donna enter the room.

Robot: YOU'RE SMOKING SO MUCH WEED THAT I THINK I'M GETTING A ROBO-ROOM-BUZZ -- AND I DIDN'T EVEN THINK THAT WAS POSSIBLE.

Dave (To Dirty Donna): Want a drag?

Dirty Donna: Goodness gracious no, I have far too much respect for myself to be smoking marijuana!

Dirty Donna lights up 4 cigarettes at once and begins to smoke them with a look of severe pleasure on her face.

Robot: I REALLY WANT SOME POTATO CHIPS!

~~~~~~~~~~

Amanda and Steroids Man are making their way to the bedroom through this hallway, side by side when they get stuck and have to reposition themselves to get through.

Amanda: What the hell? That hallway never used to be that narrow!

Steroids Man: Now who's high?

Amanda takes Steroids Man into her room and gets ready to express her annoyance with Steroids Man doing drugs and also all these people that live with them. Steroids Man did promise Amanda that they could live together without so many room-mates. Not only did he break this promise, but there's now more people living with them than ever.

Amanda: Steroids Man, listen....

Steroids Man: Let me tell you something.

Amanda: No, I actually want to say something....

Steroids Man: I hung out with Dave's Dad today....

Amanda is about to try to get a word in edgewise again but notices that Steroids Man is tearing up and overly emotional.

Steroids Man: I just miss my Daddy so much!

Steroids Man falls into Amanda's arms and she consoles him and has to once again put off this argument.

Amanda: There, there, I'm sure you will figure out your origin some day.

Steroids Man: Daddy come home!

Amanda: I know it sucks not knowing your family, but you also got to be thankful for the family you have now.

Steroids Man: You're pregnant?

Amanda: No!

Steroids Man: Oh, you mean Dave. Yes, having my best friend here does help things a bit.

Amanda opens up dresser drawer and starts drinking a bottle from inside of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man is in the kitchen depressed and eating 5 rotisserie chickens by himself when Phil enters the room.

Phil: Hey there, how are you doing?

Steroids Man: Oh woe is me. I thought you moved out?

Phil: No....

Steroids Man: It must have just been a wonderful dream.... but dreams never do come true do they? ... and fathers never do come home!

Steroids Man starts crying.

Phil: Sorry you never met your family Steroids Man. But maybe it could be for the best. My family for example are not very good people, for them to have abandoned you like they did I can only think the same.

Steroids Man: Shut your face and help me locate my Dad so I can be happy like Dave!

From inside the living room they see Dave playing games and laughing. He's pressing the controller and having a great time even though the word "Pause" is on the screen.

Phil: I don't know... maybe some kind of public service announcement requesting your Father to return home!

Steroids Man: Great idea Phil!

Phil: Thanks!

Steroids Man: Here's a thank you gift, it's M&M's, your favourite!

Steroids Man hands Phil a jar that has "Rat Poison" written on it.

Phil looks sad.

Phil: You can't still be mad at me because I put your tickle fight life on hold prior to your wedding, are you?

Steroids Man: They say time heals all wounds..... but I have yet to believe it.

~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man uses his wealth to get a segment on the news. The camera now turns to him as he is broadcast life.

Steroids Man looks at the camera and the millions of viewers with puppy dog eyes.

Steroids Man: Daddy come back!

*crying and singing to the tune of "Baby Come Back" by Player*

Steroids Man: You can blame it all on me!

Steroids Man falls to his knees.

Steroids Man: I can't life without you Daddy!

for the viewers watching this broadcast the screen abruptly turns to a colour bar thing and monotone beeping noise.

~~~~~

Amanda is going around the mansion and is about to access the linen closet.... but the closet is no longer there. Just a wall.

Amanda: Am I losing my mind???

~~~~~

Steroids Man is on the couch very sad flipping through the channels with Dave.

Steroids Man: *sigh* ... nobody responded to my TV thing yet.

Dave: Sorry man, I'm sure your Dad will turn up.... did you check the basement? Any time I lose my Bongs they always end up in the basement.

Steroids Man flips the stations and comes to a documentary about the Navy. On the screen we see large Navy Ships and the like.

Dave: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Everyone in the house looks as Dave screams his lungs out.

Dave is on his knees watching this TV show and ripping his hair out.

Dave: CHANGE THE CHANNEL NOW!!! CHANGE IT CHANGE IT CHANGE IT!!!!!!!!!!

Steroids Man quickly changed the channel.

Steroids Man: What the hell?

Dave calmly sits back down on the couch.

Dave: What? Is something a miss?

Steroids Man: You just.....

*DING DONG*

Dave: Better get that.

Steroids Man goes over and answers the door to see a man with an eye patch and slicked back greasy black hair and a thick bushy red beard in a very tattered business suit of some kind.

Guy: Son?

Steroids Man: Daddy?

They hug and cheer and dance around and everyone in the mansion gathers.

Steroids Man: Dad ... is that really you?

SM Dad: Yes son... I seen your news broadcast and returned!

Steroids Man: I have so many questions.

Amanda: Like where have you been his whole life?

Phil: And why did you leave him in a burning car as a baby?

Steroids Man (looking sad): Yeah ... why.

SM Dad: I was low on money.

*There's a lengthy pause and everyone looks around expecting more*

SM Dad: That's the end of my explanation.

Steroids Man: But...

SM Dad: I want to make up for all the years lost, let's get to know each other and play fetch and all that.

Phil: Don't you mean catch?

Amanda: How do you know you're the real father?

SM Dad: Because.... I got this birth certificate.

Steroids Man looks at the birth certificate and reads the name.

Steroids Man: Clem.... Manstroker?

SM Dad: Yes... your real name.

Steroids Man: No ... my real name is Steve Mann.

Sm Dad: Well you can call an apple a pear, but it's still an apple.

Steroids Man: My real last name is Manstroker?

SM Dad: Yes, you come from a long line of Manstrokers.

Dougette loses it and laughs so hard that her fake boob falls out.

Phil: No, we need more proof then that, let me do blood tests.

Steroids Man: No, you smurf up last time you did blood tests for me and made me think Amanda was my sister! I'm going somewhere else!

SM Dad: I know just the place!

~~~~~~~

Amanda goes around the mansion and sees a room filled with garbage. And I mean FILLED with garbage. Old Christmas tree, bags of garbage. etc etc.

Amanda: What the hell is this?

Dougette: Oh.... I see you found the garbage room.

Amanda: Is this what you've bee doing with our trash? Stuffing it into this random room of the mansion?

Dougette: Well there's a lot of rooms, who would miss one? And nobody ever comes to this part of the mansion.

Amanda: Clean up this mess immediately!

Dougette: Fine.

Amanda leaves.

Dougette: What a jabberwocky.

Dougette leaves and comes back with a large piece of flat wood that fits the door frame and begins to nail it in place.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dirty Donna is in her room and the robot comes in.

Dirty Donna: Did you get the stuff?

Robot: YES.

The robot opens up the door on the front of his metal body and cartons of cigarettes fall out.

Robot: NOT SURE HOW I FEEL ABOUT STEALING SMOKES FOR YOU...

Dirty Donna: I love you!

Robot: I LOVE YOU TOO!

~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man enters the mansion and looks very disappointed.

Amanda: Hey there...

Steroids Man: My name is ... Clem .... Manstroker.

Amanda: He IS your father?

Steroids Man: Yes....

Amanda: How do you feel?

Steroids Man: I don't know..... I mean I wanted to know the truth but...... my name is Clem ..... Manstroker!

Amanda: I'm sorry....

Steroids Man: This makes you a Manstroker too!

Amanda: No... we don't have to use that name....

~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man goes to visit his Dad's house and know more about his family. He finds that his Dad lives in a huge very nice looking house. Looking over he sees a dog skeleton on a chain.

Steroids Man: Hmmmm.....

Steroids Man goes to ring the bell and gets a MASSIVE electric shock.

Steroids Man: What the smurf!!!

The door opens and Steroids Man's Dad answers.

SM Dad: Who the hell are you?

Steroids Man: I'm your son...

SM Dad: Oh yes right, sorry, your appearance is just not interesting enough to remember. Come in.

Steroids Man enters to see an old fashioned looking house with a creepy vibe to it. A woman enters dressed very scantily clad and begins a steamy make out session with Steroids Man's Dad.

SM Dad: Steroids Man, this is your aunt Janet.

Janet comes over and open mouth kisses Steroids Man and then grabs a vibrator and leaves the room.

Steroids Man: What the...

SM Dad: Yes, good old Janet. She's been a full on woman since 1993.

They enter the kitchen.

SM Dad: You're staying for supper right?

Steroids Man is very baffled by all of this.

Steroids Man: I guess so....

This old lady enters the room hunched over and works on the stove and checks the oven.

Old Lady: The kittens aren't quite ready yet.

SM Dad: This is your Grandmother, Rita.

Steroids Man: She didn't just say she was cooking kittens... did she?

SM Dad: Why yes, cat meat is at it's most succulent when it comes from a baby kitty.

Old Lady: Yes, the only tedious part is waiting for the damn mother cat to birth them all.

Steroids Man: I don't... I don't know how I feel about all this....

SM Dad: Sorry, it's a lot to take in Clem. Walk with me, talk with me.

They walk in this long hallway with family pictures on the wall.

Steroids Man: Is this Hitler?

SM Dad: Yes, your great grand-father was one of Hitler's best friends. And in this picture over here is your Great Aunt having lunch with Stalin.

Steroids Man is immensely depressed as he learns more and more about his family.

SM Dad: And this is a picture of your Mother with the Unabomber and over there is yours truly playing checkers with Charlie Manson.

Steroids Man: My Mother... what happened to her?

SM Dad: Tragic story that .... quite tragic indeed.

Steroids Man: What happened?

SM Dad: Just know that she died peacefully and hardly struggled while I held her under in that bathtub full of water.

Steroids Man: ....

SM Dad: Listen, your Mother was a satanist and she had to be ended before she killed again.

Steroids Man: Wha....

SM Dad: One last thing, your Mother is also my sister so... best not be popping out any kids.

Steroids Man: ....

Sm Dad: I need to borrow like 10,000 dollars from you, your Grammy needs a new lung.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amanda goes to the room that Dougette was suppose to clean to find... a fully painted wall where the room used to be.

Amanda: Ok, what the hell is going on?

Amanda goes outside and looks in the window to see the room was blocked off and still is packed with garbage.

Amanda: Oh that smurf janitor!

Amanda looks over to see Steroids Man pull in with his car. Steroids Man does not leave the vehicle.

Amanda: Steroids Man?

Steroids Man looks devastated and Amanda goes and sits in the passenger seat next to him.

Amanda: Are you ok?

Steroids Man: No.... I'm really not.

Amanda goes over and hugs Steroids Man.

Amanda: We will get through this.

Steroids Man: Will we?

~~~~~

As the days go by Steroids Man continues to "lend" Money to his new found father and learn even more terrible things, falling into a deeper and deeper depression until one day....

Steroids Man and his dad are in the living room of the Father's house watching TV.

The grandmother goes to the door and we hear a gunshot noise. She comes in with a smoking shotgun.

Grandmother: I told that daft newspaper boy to stop throwing that blooming newspaper so close to the flowers! I told him once damn it!

SM Dad (To Steroids Man): So.... hows married life there boy?

Steroids Man: Good....

Steroids Man is dead inside.

SM Dad: You having lots of tickle fight?

Steroids Man: Well yeah... she's my wife.

SM Dad: Oh dear....

Steroids Man: What?

SM Dad: I never told you about the family disease.

Steroids Man: What.....

SM Dad: You should never have had tickle fight. The disease doesn't really effect men... bot women on the other hand.... not a pretty sight.

Steroids Man is crying.

SM Dad: Can I have more money now?

Steroids Man: I have already given you so much.

SM Dad: Don't be a bad son.

Steroids Man: I can't do this anymore...

SM Dad: Hmmm?

Steroids Man: I don't want to live anymore.

SM Dad: Well I have a cure for that, hold on a sec.

Steroids Man's Father comes back out with a revolver.

Steroids Man: What's this?

SM Dad: It's a loaded handgun you silly bastard.

Steroids Man: Why are you giving me this?

SM Dad: I'm giving you the chance to correct a mistake I made many years ago.... getting drunk and doing my sister.

Steroids Man: What has happened to my life?

SM Dad: Come on now, just stick the gun in your mouth and all your pain will go away.

Steroids Man takes the gun and points it in his mouth.

SM Dad: Come on now, get on with it. Too late to back out now, nobody likes a quitter!

There's a long pause and something very fishy happens. Laughter can be heard coming through the wall.

Steroids Man: What was that?

Sm Dad: Come on now, stop beating around the bush and blow your brains out!

From behind the wall we hear a voice: Do it already!

Steroids Man: Ok, that wall just talked!

SM Dad: No it didn't.

Steroids Man: Yes it did, I heard it!

Wall: No you didn't.

Steroids Man then notices a camera fixed on him from the ceiling and stands up.

Steroids Man: What the hell is this, some kind of messed up reality show?

Steroids Man busts through the wall to see a secret surveillance room with Metal Face eating popcorn.

Metal Face: Oh dear....

Steroids Man: You!

Read this part if you want a long winded explanation: Back in season 1 and with the help of Sneaky Snake, Wheels got Steroids Man's Diary. When Metal Face heard of this at a League of Evil meeting, he desperately wanted to purchase the diary from Wheels. Wheels sold it to him at an outrageous price which helped Wheels fund future evil doings but also helped lead to Metal Face's bankruptcy in Season 2. Anyway, Metal Face kept this diary on him at all times and usually read it to help him sleep. The diary mentions in great deal what Steroids Man knew. Steroids Man was abandoned in a car fire at a gas station and found by some drunk guy. Steroids Man used to have a copy of this security tape showing the rescue. Metal Face was waiting for the day to pull this elaborate scheme which he planned out and hired actors to play a terrible family hoping they would drive Steroids Man to kill himself. He even rigged the blood tests somehow.

And now -- Steroids Man's reaction:

Steroids Man: Who the hell are you and why are you laughing at me?

Metal Face: Are you smurf serious? It's me! METAL FACE!!!! I am the greatest super villain mastermind ever! I hired this phoney family to make you so depressed you would kill yourself and I was soooo close! I was going to Youtube you blowing your brains out!

Steroids Man: Why would you play with my emotions you mysterious horrible man!!!?

Steroids Man runs away with his arms flailing and crying loudly and punching out passers by.

Metal Face is left with Steroids Man's fake Father, Aunt and Grandmother. They all remove their disguises and makeup.

Metal Face: Well good job everyone!

SM fake Dad: And our money?

Metal Face: No worries, with all the money you managed to get Steroids Man to give you, I can more than afford to pay you AND fund new horrible things to do to my arch nemesis!

Metal Face while in his metal attire raises his metal gauntlet as thunder strikes in the background.

Metal Face: Steroids Man shall die by my hand shortly!!!!

SM fake Dad: Have you ever been hit by lightening?

Metal Face: Surprisingly not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man and Amanda are talking in their bedroom.

Amanda: So.... it turns out that everything was a lie? They weren't your real family after all?

Steroids Man: Right... some mysterious brand new villain who calls himself .... Meat Face or something set it all up to mess with me.

Amanda: Did you get him and turn him into the police?

Steroids Man: No ... I was really upset and just kind of ran away.

Amanda: Well.... I mean.... ok. Well... hey, at least that horrible family doesn't belong to you.

Steroids Man: Yeah, but what family DOES belong to me? What has this all been about? It was just a pointless adventure and I'm still at a loss for what my real origin is.

Amanda: Listen, remember when I discovered my real parents, and they turned out to be terrible criminals? I would have much rather went on not knowing. Maybe your real family is terrible too, they would have to be really, to abandon you like they did. So if there is anything to take from this experience, it's that sometimes it's simply better not knowing. And you don't need to find them to find happiness, happiness is right here and ready to smurf all your problems away.

Steroids Man smiles.

Steroids Man: Thanks baby.

*kiss

Amanda: And next time maybe take the criminal in.

Steroids Man: I doubt we'll ever hear from him again anyway.

~~~~~~

We cut to a castle which used to belong to Dr. Bad that Metal Face now occupies.

Metal Face is in an evil room with a desk and large money bags all over that the actor tricked Steroids Man into giving him while playing his Father.

Metal Face: Too long have I waited for your demise... too long have you forgotten the name -- METAL FACE!

Metal Face pulls out a bunch of large envelops each labeled "Evil Plan" followed by a number.

Metal Face: For years I have pondered many evil ways to kill you .... and now I will spring them all into action! PREPARE FOR THE ONSLAUGHT STEROIDS MAN!!!!

Metal Face slumps down in his desk after his lengthy speech and sounds less enthusiastic.

Metal Face: For real though, I need to get this done. It's just getting embarrassing at this point.


Next episode -- Metal Face tries really really really hard to kill Steroids Man!