Chapter 96 --> Demons Rising

[Clarence]

Steroids Man has left the Steroids Mansion after parting ways with Amanda and is heading to McDonalds to have lunch with Ultra Man. Steroids Man is very nervous about this but also kind of excited, because in his mind he is close to be done dealing with The Manager and will be able to focus on his wedding.

Suddenly The Manager appears in the passenger seat.

The Manager: What are you doing?

Steroids Man: I'm going to McDonalds to have lunch with Ultra Man and steal his damn ring for you.

The Manager: But... what time is your lunch?

Steroids Man: Noon...

The Manager: It's 9 in the morning!

Steroids Man: Well I'm impatient!

Steroids Man pulls into a liquor store and purchases a 6 pack of beer and goes in his car and has a drink.

Steroids Man quickly polishes off a bottle to take the edge off. He's very nervous because he plans on betraying The Manager and fighting him when he comes back to earth and fears he may not be able to win. He just wants to move on with his life and get married to Amanda.

The Manager appears again.

The Manager: Why are you drinking! Don't smurf this up for me!

Steroids Man: Man, stop riding my bottom!

The Manager: Look at the time!

Steroids Man looks at his watch to see it's 11:50 AM and he's been drinking for almost 3 hours.

Steroids Man: Holy crap on a crutch!

Steroids Man starts his car and speeds on the road and gets hit by a transport truck. The car rolls and rolls and comes to a stop and Steroids Man kicks the door off and gets out of the wreckage unscaved and with a strange red glow to him....

Steroids Man: Hey... I'm fine!

The transport truck driver gets out and approaches Steroids Man.

Truck Driver: What the smurf are you doing driving like a maniac!?!

The truck driver approaches with a tire iron and suddenly grabs his own throat as he's choking and falls to the ground with blood spraying out of his ears, nose, mouth and eyes.

We look over to the Manager to see he has an outstretched hand and is responsible for the truck driver's death. Steroids Man was also saved by The Manager's powers.

Steroids Man: My car... what am I going to do?

The Manager: Steal another car damn it! We're running out of time!!

~~~

Ultra Man sits down at McDonalds waiting for Steroids Man and looks at his watch.... 11:59.

Ultra Man: I hate Steroids Man so much...

~~~~

Steroids Man runs to the mall parking lot and awaits someone to get in their car so he can steal it and also get the keys.

Steroids Man looks and sees a car in a parking spot that just turned on and is getting ready to leave. Quickly, Steroids Man punches in the driver-side door windshield and pulls out the driver with one muscle bound arm and slams him to the ground.

Phil: Steroids Man!

Steroids Man looks down to see Phil on the ground covered in blood and glass and asphalt and hot coffee.

Steroids Man: No way! What are the chances?

Phil: What the hell are you doing?

Steroids Man: There's no time to explain, I just need your car so I can get Ultra Man's ring and bring The Manager back to live and save the world. Trust me!

Steroids Man gets into Phil's car and drives off.

Phil looks at Steroids Man driving away and is very confused. Then Steroids Man crashes into a telephone poll, gets out and grabs another car at a stop light, kicking out the driver and speeding off.

Phil: Something's wrong here....

~~~~

12:10 and Ultra Man is getting very impatient.

Ultra Man: I should leave... but if I have lunch with him then he may just leave us alone for good!

Suddenly a car drives up the street and Steroids Man jumps out the window shattering it and does a roll while the car continues down the road. Steroids Man gets up and dusts himself off and enters the McDonalds.

Steroids Man comes in and sits down next to Ultra Man.

Steroids Man: Sorry I'm late I was just ....

*long pause

Ultra Man: You were what?

*longer pause

Steroids Man is thinking hard but has NOTHING and finally has to answer.

Steroids Man: I was.... masturbating.

Ultra Man: Let's just order our food and get this over with.

Steroids Man immediately focuses on the task at hand, stealing Ultra Man's ring.

Steroids Man: Say, let me see your hands?

Ultra Man: What?

Steroids Man: I just want to compare hand sizes, come on show me your hands.

Ultra Man: No, let's order.

They get in line and Steroids Man takes out his wallet and drops it.

Steroids Man: Oh... could you pick that up for me?

Ultra Man: Why can't you get it?

Steroids Man: My back is .... sore?

Ultra Man sighs angrily and bends down and hands Steroids Man the wallet with his non-ring hand.

Steroid Man: ...thanks... (thinking) DAMN IT!!

They get their food and Steroids Man pays.

Ultra Man: Thanks for the cheap assed meal.

Steroids Man: Hey...

They sit down and begin eating, Ultra Man is eating ultra fast.

Steroids Man: Hey, take your time and enjoy the meal!

Ultra Man: No! I'm going to get this over with as fast as possible so I never have to see you again.

Steroids Man: Well the meal isn't over until I finish, got it?

Ultra Man: Damn it.

Steroids Man picks up his hamburger and takes a tiny bite off the lettuce hanging off the side of the bun.

Ultra Man: Oh come on!

Steroids Man: Don't rush me! Let's just have a friendly conversation and enjoy our meal.

Ultra Man: This is torture...

Steroids Man: Say.... can you pass me that straw?

Ultra Man reaches over and hands Steroids Man his straw but again doesn't use the ring finger. Steroids Man gives Ultra Man a dirty look and holds on to the straw but does not pull it away from Ultra Man's hands.

Ultra Man: Why are you so retarded today? Just take the straw!

Steroids Man: I want two straws... can you pass me the other one with your other hand?

Ultra Man lets go of the straw and hands over the other one, still keeping his ring hand at a distance. You see ... Ultra Man has had his ring stolen a few times so he has become paranoid... he is actually always avoiding letting it get too close to people.

Steroids Man takes the two straws and begins to use them and is getting very pisses off.

Ultra Man: These fries aren't salty enough... can you pass me one of your salt packets?

Steroids Man: Sure.... let me do that.

Steroids Man picks up a salt packet and holds it high in the air and past the table in a way that should prompt Ultra Man to use his ring finger to grab it as his other hand is out of reach.

Ultra Man glares at Steroids Man and reaches over very awkwardly as Steroids Man pulls the packet away and Ultra Man almost falls out of his chair grabbing the packet.

Ultra Man: I hate you.

As time passes they begin to finish their meal and Steroids Man is quickly running out of time.

Steroids Man: So.... our meal is almost done and soon I will leave you alone forever.

Ultra Man: AWESOME!

Steroids Man: How about a high five to celebrate?

Ultra Man reluctantly high fives with the ring-less hand again.

Steroids Man then holds up both hands.

Steroids Man: How about a double high five?

Ultra Man: What?

Steroids Man: Give me a double high five using both your hands and then we will be done for life.

Ultra Man: No. What is this elementary school?

Steroids Man: Listen, double high five me and I will leave you alone forever!

Ultra Man: No, the meal was suppose to be all I had to do to get you to piss off!

Steroids Man: High five me damn it!

Ultra Man: NO!!!!!

They go quiet and begin to chew the last of their food. Ultra Man and Steroids Man both locking evil looks. Ultra Man is pissed and wants to go home having no idea that Steroids Man has been trying to steal his ring this whole time. After some more silence Steroids Man finally gets completely fed up.

Steroids Man (in a calm yet pissed off voice): Give me the ring.

Ultra Man: What?

Steroids Man: I said.... give me the ring!

Ultra Man: What the hell is this?

Steroids Man: Give me the smurf ring!!!

Steroids Man reaches over the table and grabs Ultra Man's ring hand and they both struggle until Ultra Man gets up and throws Steroids Man to the floor.

Ultra Man: You're not getting my ring! Nobody is ever stealing my ring again! And what is this all about, are you a super villain again now or something?

Steroids Man: I need it to get married!!!

Ultra Man: Don't be so damn cheap and buy your own ring!

Steroids Man tackles Ultra Man and they wrestle and roll around on the ground knocking tables over and causing a disturbance in McDonalds.

Ultra Man then kicks Steroids Man into the cooking area and calls out on his wrist communicator.

Ultra Man: This is Ultra Man calling the Council of Heroes! Steroids Man has turned evil again, come help me stop him!

Steroids Man over hears this.

Steroids Man: Oh crap! Manager, help!

The Manager: You have to learn to grow up and fight your own battles! I need to conserve my powers for my return!

Steroids Man: Come on, be a friend!

The Manager: Do this yourself, you're smurf Steroids Man! I'm tired of baby sitting you!

Suddenly Steroids Man gets punched to the face and falls around and grabs a hot hamburger patty and throws it at Ultra Man's face.

Ultra Man: MY FACE!!!! IT BURNS!!!

Steroids Man: I'm doing it!

Ultra Man throws more punches at Steroids Man and Steroids Man manages to grab his ring hand and put it on the hot grill! Ultra Man holds his hand and breaths his ultra cold breath on it to cool it down when Steroids Man grabs the ring off his finger!

Ultra Man: Damn it!

Ultra Man turns ultra skinny as he loses his powers and Steroids Man leaves with the ring in hand!

Steroids Man goes outside to see all the other Council Members here and Ultra Man follows outside.

Ultra Man: Stop him! He has my ring!

Polaroid Man: You lost your ring again? What is wrong with you!

Hawk Eyes: Remember the time that child got a hold of it and started destroying the neighbourhood?

Pylon Man: What about that time that prostitute got the ring and we had to fight a SUPER PROSTITUTE?

Invisible Man: Yeah really, why do you have a ring that gives you super powers if you are going to keep smurf around like this?

Ultra Man: Just get the ring!!! .... oh..... my ulcers (takes medication)

Everyone approaches Steroids Man as he puts the ring on.

Half Man Half Speedboat: Oh of course he puts the ring on.

Steroids Man: Guys.... you have to trust me... I need to borrow this ring to save the world... please trust me!

Half Man Half Speedboat: Get him!!

Everyone charges at Steroids Man and one by one he punches them out and stops before Crochet Lady.

Crochet Lady: Why Steroids Man.... why? *tear*

We see a little boy leaving McDonalds crying.

Little boy: Why Steroids Man.... why are you hurting people?

Steroids Man also notices a camera crew for the new station filming this.

Steroids Man: Oh come on!

Suddenly there's cop cars in the distance.

Steroids Man: Crap, I gotta go!

Steroids Man goes and punches an old man and steals his car and drives off as people watching boo loudly and then two cop cars chase after him.

Steroids Man is driving away as two cop cars begin shooting at him.

~~~~

Meanwhile...

Phil is in his office doing some paperwork when Dougette comes in.

Dougette: Phil! I did it! I have a million dollar invention!

Phil: Well that's cool.... however, we are already BILLIONAIRES.

Dougette: Not anymore, not with this!

Dougette holds up a medium sized metal can.

Phil: ...I don't get it.

Dougette: Everyone loves the beach right? But not everyone can MAKE it there!

Phil: What?

Dougette: Let me present to you, "Beach in a can".

As Dougette explains the product she poses and moves her hand under it in a presenting kind of way.

Dougette: Well now you can take the beach with you anywhere!

Dougette dumps the can on Phil's desk and his entire workspace gets covered in sand, rocks, beach shells, broken glass and a living crab.

Phil just stares at Dougette with a very nasty look.

Dougette: I'm a genius.

Phil: Get the smurf out.

~~~~~~

Steroids Man gets a phone call and answers while driving.

Steroids Man: Hello?

Amanda (At her police desk): Hey there.... are you a bad guy again?

Steroids Man: No I'm not! I'm still trying to save the world from The Manager but the cops are after me!

Amanda: I am the cops!!!

Steroids Man: Oh yeah....

Amanda: I have to do my job.... I have to try to stop you.

Amanda hangs up the phone and looks sad and texts Steroids Man a secret message with her cell phone.

"Sorry babe.... I hope ur not mad @ me..... good luck xoxo"

And then another text:

"Plz dont kill any cops"

Steroids Man keeps speeding around the city trying to sneak to the warehouse but can never avoid the cops... now there's like 5 cars after him and a news helicopter.

Steroids Man: HELP!!!!

Suddenly The Manager appears next to Steroids Man in the front seat.

The Manager: Drive into the museum.

Steroids Man: What???

The Manager: DO IT!!!

Steroids Man drives into the museum and begins to run over priceless items.

The Manager: Jump out!

Steroids Man jumps out and the car keeps going. Steroids Man is then instructed to run to the basement where there happens to be a sewer access point.

The Manager: Go down there.

Steroids Man: The sewer?

The Manager: Yes, hurry!

Steroids Man jump into the sewer and The Manager uses his powers to heat the manhole lid and melt it closed so the cops can't easily remove it... also making it seem like Steroids Man couldn't have got into it in the first place. Cops scour the trashed museum and can not find Steroids Man.

Amanda gets concerned but smiles when she receives a text from Steroids Man letting her know he's ok. She will pretend she has no clue what's going on.

~~~~

We see a manhole lift and Steroids Man climb out. He's inside the secret warehouse of The Manager.

Suddenly Drew the zombie is next to him and Steroids Man screams.

Steroids Man: Stop sneaking up on me!!!

The Manager (suddenly appears): Good job Steroids Man, you got the ring!

Steroids Man: Yeah....

The Manager: Now put it in the chamber for the smaller machine!

Steroids Man places the ring inside and the machine glows red and there's small tremors all over town and the sky turns orange and everyone in the world gets freaked out as the world grows darker and scary.

Steroids Man: What will this do?

The Manager: .....nothing.

Steroids Man looks concerned.

All over the world something strange is happening.... in cemeteries the dead are punching their way out of coffins and rising.

Busy intersections are coming to a stop as what appears to be zombies are roaming around... but they aren't hurting anyone.

Amanda is driving home when she sees the eerie orange sky and dead people walking on her route home.

In Antarctica a wall explodes out of a prison and a very evil looking character walks away and into the ice cold water heading towards the warehouse. Two prison guards run outside in thick coats.

Guard: Prisoner X has escaped!

Guard 2: ...that sucks.

Zombies from all over the world appear to be approaching the warehouse.

The Manager: Yes... this is awesome... my army has risen to take over the world!

Steroids Man: What?

The Manager: Ummm...

Steroids Man: What is this machine, what did I just do?

The Manager: That machine? ... it's a coffee maker.

Steroids Man: But I don't see any coffee.

The Manager: It's time for the next step! Take the jumper cables and hook them to the high voltage power-lines outside!

Steroids Man: Oh....

~~

Steroids Man goes outside to hook up the power to the portal machine when he sees the sky.

Steroids Man: Wait a minute... the sky is orange!

The Manager: No it isn't.

Steroids Man: Oh, ok. Whew! I was worried there for a sec!

~~~~~~~~~~

Amanda, Phil, Dougette and the robot are in the living room discussing the days events.

Dougette: This sky is so creepy! What a horrible shade of orange! And there's more dead guys walking the streets than usual!

Amanda: Something horrible is going on.... I'm going to call Steroids Man.

~~

Steroids Man answers the phone while climbing the power lines to attach the cables.

Steroids Man: Hello?

Amanda: Steroids Man, is everything ok? There's weird things happening!

Steroids Man: I know baby... I'll be home soon I just....

The Manager: Hang up.

Steroids Man: What....

The Manager: We have no time for this, just end the call!

Steroids Man: Sorry baby I got to go.... *click*

The Manager zaps the cell phone and it explodes.

Steroids Man: Hey!!!

The Manager: Focus on the job at hand or Amanda dies!

~~

Amanda looks very worried as she closes her phone.

Amanda: Something insane is going on and I don't know what!

Suddenly windows bust open and secret government agents dressed black roll in with guns aimed at everyone. Ted, the head of the FBI enters the room.

Amanda: What is this?

Ted: Let's just cut right to it, Steroids Man has been seen doing evil things... and now... the dead are rising. We know that as his fiance, you can lead us to him.

Amanda: I ... I ... I don't even know where he is!

Ted draws his gun and sticks it right in Amanda's face.

Ted: Stop the games and start talking! This is a matter of GLOBAL security!

A sweat bead rolls down Amanda's brow and everyone looks nervous.... The robot looks around and releases invisible knockout gas into the room... everyone gets sleepy.

Robot: GET DOWN!

The robot knocks Amanda, Phil and Dougette down before they go unconscious and then beats up all the FBI agents. With his friends on the floor, they aren't breathing in any knock out gas but are groggy.

Robot: LET'S GO!!!!

They make their way to the door and another lone FBI agent has a rocket launcher aimed at them.

Rocket Launcher Guy: You guys aren't going nowhere!

Dougette: Eat "Beach in a can" MOTHERFUCKER!!!

Dougette throws some beach sand from a can into the rocker launcher guy's eyes and he falls to the floor in pain as everyone escapes.

Rocket Launcher Guy: SAND!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!!!! IT SMELLS WONDERFUL AND I FEEL LIKE I'M AT THE BEACH BUT IT HURTS SO BAD!!!!

They all get into the car. Dougette gets in the drivers seat and Amanda shoves him over and takes the wheel.

Amanda: I'm driving!

Amanda speeds out of the driveway and is chased by two black vans. Amanda keeps one hand on the wheel and uses the side view mirror to aim her gun at one of the vans, shoots and blows the tire and causes one van to crash into the other and speeds off.

Dougette: Where are we going???

Amanda: We're going to find steroids Man!

~~~~~

We cut to The Manager's warehouse and outside see a bunch of zombies lining up in a big circle around it. Inside we see Steroids Man has hooked power to the gateway machine.

The Manager: Good... now we need the ring again, place it in the slot!

Steroids Man places the ring in the designated spot and the gateway machine which is fueled by multiple power sources activates. We hear loud noises and a large circular component of the gateway machine begins to spin.

The Manager: Good.... good. I have been waiting for this!

We show a progress bar that reads 5%.

Steroids Man: So... when that thing says 100% you'll be able to come back?

The Manager: Yes, finally after all this time I can return to earth and enslave it with my demon army!

Steroids Man: What was that last part?

The Manager: I'm going to enslave your world with my demon army!

Steroids Man: Come again?

The Manager: I'm going to play a guitar song and be your friend.

Steroids Man: Oh, cool!

Looking at the machine which is getting louder and spinning faster ... 10%

The Manager thinking....

I'm going to complete what I tried to do so long ago.... I'm going to bring hell on earth and take extreme pleasure out of killing you and everyone you love Steroids Man!

[Wesley]

This is getting pretty damned exciting! I keep hoping Steroids Man will casually grab the ring and put it on and then be Ultra Steroids Man and punch the Manager into oblivion.

Also, beach in a can. Not bad.

[Clarence]

Beach in a can is the greatest invention ever!

You're at your work desk and it's very boring, dragging work day.... suddenly you pour some beach sand and petrified wood and broken pieces of glass / sea shells on your desk.....

And now you're no longer at a crummy dead end job, you're at the beach!

(Beach water sold separately)