Steroids Man: Yeah... I don't know if I'll ever know who my real parents are...
Amanda: That's so sad.
Steroids Man: As I mentioned before I was basically an abandoned orphan... some drunk guy found me in a car fire and raised me... poorly. That's how I became Steroids Man ultimately because he forced me to take Steroids to win junior gulf tournaments...
Amanda: It's kinda scary how similar our pasts are... I don't know my parents either.... and I was abandoned in a soccer field...
Steroids Man: Specifically a soccer field?
Amanda: All I know is every time I drive by there people only play soccer.
Steroids Man: We are both such tortured souls....
Amanda: It really makes me wonder.... we were both abandoned in such strange places..... and we kinda have a similar birth mark.....
Steroids Man: I told you, my birthmark was from when my fake Father tried to iron my clothes while I was wearing them.
Amanda: Still.... what if we're somehow related.... maybe the same family tried to abandon us both....
Steroids Man: I don't like to think about such things...
Amanda: I think just to eliminate all concern... we should get blood tests.
They hold hands and look at each other with very concerned expressions.
~~~~
Amanda and Steroids Man step into Phil's office. Phil is taking Tylenol and holding his head.
Amanda: Hey Phil... are you ok?
Steroids Man: Why would you ask him that? Now he's going to talk about himself.
Phil: I've been better, you see...
Steroids Man: Here we go....
Phil: ... these computer implants in my head.... well my body has been kinda rejecting them lately... so I'm working on trying to make my body adjust to it.... cause at this point I can't really remove the technology....
Steroids Man: Nobody cares about the words that you are saying.
Phil: *sigh* Well what do you guys want?
Amanda: Are you able to test our blood to see if we're related to each other?
Phil: Yeah, I should be able to help you with that.
Amanda: That's pretty impressive, you can do a lot of things, can't you?
Phil: Well I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I am quite smart.
Steroids Man sighs angrily.
Phil: I'll test your blood, but you shouldn't worry, it's highly unlikely that you're related.
~~~
Phil has to get equipment to perform these tests, he buys the equipment and then takes a vile of Steroids Man and Amanda's blood and runs the tests.
~~~
Amanda and Steroids Man are sitting in the love seat alone in the living room talking and joking when Phil sits down next to them with a very sad look on his face.
Amanda: Hey Phil.... what's up?
Phil: I'm not sure how to say this.... I got some bad news.
Amanda: What is it Phil?
...awkward silence.
Amanda (panicky): What is it??
Phil: I performed the blood tests... and .... they both came back identical.
Steroids Man: What the hell does that mean?
Phil: You guys are related to each other, very closely... quite possibly even brother and sister.
They both gasp and Amanda breaks down and cries.
Steroids Man: No... that's impossible... there's too much of an age difference.
(Steroids Man was born 11 years prior to Amanda, however he is currently 27 and she is 31. This is due to Steroids Man's time travel adventures)
Phil: People can have children very far apart. Even if you aren't brother and sister you are very closely related... it's quite possible you both came from an extremely abusive family and that is why you were both abandoned in such horrible ways.
Steroids Man (very mad): Do the tests again!
Phil: I did the tests... they're conclusive... I'm very sorry.
Steroids Man has a severe roid rage attack while Amanda cries and he picks up a coffee table and throws it at Phil, narrowly missing as Phil runs out of the room.
Steroids Man continues to destroy everything in the living-room while Amanda cries her eyes out. Steroids Man is now kicking holes in the wall exposing the outside.
Amanda: STOP!!!!!!
Steroids Man calms down and sits next to Amanda.
Steroids Man: I'm sorry baby.... it's just horrible news.
Steroids Man tries to put his arm around Amanda and she brushes him off.
Steroids Man: Hey....
Amanda: Noooo we can't do this!
Steroids Man: Let's just talk this through....
Amanda: Talk what through... we're related!! We can't get married.
Steroids Man: We'll do the blood tests again, we'll get a more competent guy to test us and....
Amanda: Come on.... *cries* .... this is horrible but it's not something we can just try to escape from.... this is so bad...
Amanda freaks out and takes her police gun and starts shooting the walls and falls off the couch and to her knees crying. She removes the ring and tosses it.
Steroids Man: NOOOOOOOO
Steroids Man goes to retrieve the ring as Amanda gets to her feet and is a mess.
Steroids Man: Don't do this....
Amanda: We have too... as terrible as it is.... we can't be together.
Steroids Man: I can't live without you at this point...
Amanda goes to leave.
Amanda: This has to end now before it becomes more painful....
Steroids Man: Wait.... I don't want you out of my life *cry* ... we can have a Brother-Sister relationship.
Amanda: There's too many feelings....I can't look at you knowing that I can't have you... knowing who we really are...
Amanda begins to run away and Steroids Man follows her.
Steroids Man: Don't run away from me, we can figure this out!
Amanda: It's over! *cries*
Steroids Man chases Amanda but Amanda gets away... Steroids Man falls back panting and breathing heavily.
Steroids Man: Damn it, why did my sister wife have to be such a good runner?
Steroids Man's life just fell to pieces and he goes insane and destroys a few city blocks.
Steroids Man: This is Phil's fault... he has to die!
Steroids Man goes home and enters Phil's office who's double checking the blood test results.
Phil: Steroids Man... I'm so sorry...
Steroids Man picks up Phil by the throat with one hand and loads up his other arm in a punching stance.
Phil: Killing me isn't going to fix things... it's tragic I know... but this is not the way to deal with it.
Steroids Man drops Phil. Steroids Man falls to his knees crying.
Steroids Man: It's over... what kind of cruel joke is this? How could this happen to me???
Steroids Man prepares to leave and walks away from the mansion.
Phil: Where are you going?
Steroids Man: Who knows.... I just ... need to be away from here.
Phil: Sits down on the love seat... the only thing to survive the destroyed living-room.
Dougette and the robot enters.
Dougette: What... happened in here?
Robot: DOUGETTE -- YOU HAVE QUITE THE MESS TO CLEAN UP IN HERE!
Phil looks up at them very sad.
Phil: Steroids Man and Amanda are gone....
Robot: ARE THEY COMING BACK?
Phil: I don't know.... I really don't know....
Dougette starts crying.
Dougette: This is so sad.... oh no my mascara!!!
Robot: ACTIVATING CRY MODE.......... OH NO... I DON'T HAVE ENOUGH FREE SPACE TO RUN MY CRYING APPLICATION.....
The robot runs out of the room.
Robot: I HAVE TO GO DELETE SOME FILES!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Steroids Man is at a bar, drinking his bottom off talking to another drunk.
Steroids Man: Yup... *hick*... I used to have it all... a beautiful mansion.... an awesome super hero career... and the wife of my dreams... but I blew it all *drink*
Drunk guy: Gee... what happened?
Steroids Man: It turns out I was smurf my sister!
Steroids Man finishes his beer and slams it down and demands another.
Steroids Man: I DEMAND ANOTHER!
Bartender: I don't know... you seem pretty drunk already... I may have to cut you off.
Steroids Man: I'll cut YOU!
Suddenly The Manager projects himself to Steroids Man.
The Manager: There you are! You weren't home and I lost track of you... why are you drunk at 2 PM?
Steroids Man: Why are you such a bring-down?
The Manager: We have work to do, it's time for the next step in building my machine!
Steroids Man: smurf you, I quit!
To everyone in the bar Steroids Man is talking to himself.
Bartender (to clerk): There's something with this guy... he ain't right in the head.
Clerk: I'll get the gun.
The Manager: You can't quit, we have a deal! Don't make me hurt you!
The Manager uses his powers to burn Steroids Man's soul and he stumbles around in pain, breaking things in the bar and knocking things over and lands on a pool table.
Steroids Man: Go ahead ... kill me... I don't want to live if I can't be with her.
The Manager: Of for crying out loud... another Amanda problem? What is it this time, did you ruin her laundry?
Steroids Man: No.... *burp*... she's my sister.
The Manager just looks on with a stunned look on his face... he doesn't know what to say.
The Manager: ..... wow..... just wow.........
Steroids Man is still lying on the pool table and somehow never spilled his beer, he goes to take a sip and spills beer all over the felt when suddenly there's a double barreled shotgun to his face.
Steroids Man: Hello there Mr. Gun.
Bartender: You're going back to hell!
The bartender cocks the gun and prepares to shoot when suddenly the gun flies upwards and the bartender blows his own head off. Steroids Man sits up and gives The Manager a dirty look.
Steroids Man: why did you do that? I don't want to live damn it!
The Manager: But I need you.
Steroids Man: Need this!
Steroids Man gives The Manager a very pronounced middle finger motion and walks out the saloon doors as they flop to a stop.
The Manager: .... now what am I going to do?
~~~~~
Outside the bank there's an ominous looking car parked way too close. Many people are walking around/driving around when the calm is broken by....
*-*BOOM*-*
The car explodes and is thrown into the bank and slides across and glass shatters and people panic and run and all hell breaks loose. A female figure wearing all black swings in off a rope and lands and rolls and bank security approach. This female character wearing all black makes short work of the officers using advanced martial arts moves.
This masked figure who resembles an old member of the former Henchmen's union (See season 1 and 2) approaches the bank vault and sets some charges and moves and the vault explodes and she steals the money.
Police arrive on the scene but are too late.
Officer Jan: What happened here....
Officer Leroy: This is terrible.... what do we do chief?
Officer Jan: I dunno... I wish Amanda were here....
Amanda is out of work because of the Ian incident but is slated to return soon, Jan is filling in for her.
~~~~~~~~
Days go by....
Phil is in his office sorting things out holding his head.... he looks a little more sickly and has dark circles under his eyes. Dougette enters the room wearing a full sequined trench coat and top hat.
Phil: Damn it woman, your attire is blinding and I got a severe headache! *takes more Tylenol*
Dougette: Sorry....
Dougette disrobes revealing her hideous man woman naked body.
Phil: PUT IT BACK ON, PUT IT BACK ON!!!!
Dougette quickly redresses.
Dougette: Still got those headaches huh?
Phil: Yeah..... I'm still trying to get my body to accept my head computer implants...
Dougette: Any word from Steroids Man or Amanda?
Phil: no....
Dougette: I feel so bad for them.... to see a love like that crumble to the ground.... if only she choose me.
Phil: Right....
Dougette: Anyway, I'm going shopping!!!!!
Dougette begins to leave.
Phil: Wait!
Dougette: What?
Phil: will you do me a favour?
Dougette: ....ok
Phil: Will you insult me?
Dougette: ....what?
Phil: I dunno... I just kind of feel like I need to be put down.... hurt my feelings.
Dougette: You're weirding me out little man... I'm going to go now....
Dougette sneaks out of the room.
~~~~~~~~~~
In The Manager's secret warehouse...
The robot is working on The Manager's large portal machine... which kind of looks like a large metal upright doughnut.
The Manager: Ok... now carefully put that panel right there....
The robot: OK MASTER!!!!
The robot slams the panel in so hard that the whole machine vibrates and tips over making a loud crash and causing some pieces to break off it.
The Manager: DAMN YOU!!!!!
The robot: I'M HELPING!!!!
The Manager: GET THE smurf OUT!!!
The robot leaves.
The Manager talks to his zombie friend, Drew.
The Manager: This is terrible.... I need Steroids Man.... nobody else can help me with this.... and I can't find anyone on earth I can communicate too without using too much energy..... My return to Earth may be significantly delayed.... from months to decades....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Steroids Man is walking through town drunk with a full hobo beard on, wallowing in self loathing.
Steroids Man: *cry* I hate myself so bad.... *drink*
Steroids Man kicks a car and it goes flying into a building, he then destroys a few more things until he sees something... a building with flames shooting out of it and a crowd gathered.
Steroids Man: Oh no, it's a burning building on fire!!
Steroids Man joins the crowd to see a crying woman among the gathers.
Woman: My baby!
Steroids Man: Oh no... that woman's baby is going to die... unless..... I save her?
Steroids Man asks this question out loud and the crowd looks at him shaking their head yes.
Steroids Man: Oh man.. this is just like that stupid Spider Man movie where Peter Parker had to save a kid when he doubted wanting to be Spider Man....
(No it's not, it's a very original idea)
Steroids Man runs into the building and gets his hobo beard burnt off and finds the baby and brings him back to his mother safely.
Woman: You saved my baby!
Some guy: You're a hero!
Woman: Oh no, my poor baby is crying.
Steroids Man gets out his keys.
Steroids Man: Here, let jab these keys into the baby's back.
Woman: What!??!
Steroids Man: Trust me, I took a parenting course once and I learned that if you stick a key in the baby's back he stops crying.
The woman runs away from Steroids Man with her baby.
Steroids Man leaves after doing this heroic act and thinks....
Steroids Man: It sucks that the girl of my dreams turned out to be my sister... but I can't use this as an excuse to be evil....... there's only one thing I can do....
Steroids Man gets on a plane and flies to random isolated island somewhere to spend the rest of his life alone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a secret meeting area in the shady part of town... there is a meeting of several bad-guys who are up to no good. The meeting is being run by the latest super villain... Child hands. A Tall man in a red trench-coat with a metal pirate hat and tiny child's hands.
Child Hands: Yes... I have gathered all you villains here to join my newest group.... the DEATH SQUADRANT!!!
There is a small group of villains all here and listening intently.
A villain covered in lettuce with a salad theme cheers.
Salad Villain: YES!!! Let's go killing!
Child Hands: Indeed we will.... we will storm the city and take it over!
Everyone cheers.
Child Hands: Here is an example of the weaponry we will be using!
Child Hands goes to pick up this enormous weapon but is having a hard time holding onto it....
Child Hands: Damn... my hands are so small.....
Child Hands drops the weapon and it blows a hole in the wall.
Child Hands: Anyway... we shall kill everyone in the city and burn it to the ground!
We pan to random people cheering.... Magnet Hands is here.
Magnet Hands: Yes! I can't wait to beat people with my magnets!
The Human Tesla Device: I'm going to shake down buildings!
Salad Villain: BURN THE CITY DOWN!!!
Dougette: YEAH!!!! smurf THIS CITY!!! THEY HAVE NO SHOES THAT I LIKE!!!
The female all black super villain who robbed the bank is here as well cheering.
Child Hands: Kill every woman and child first!
Everyone cheers and begins to grab weapons except for the female villain....
Female Villain: ... I can't do this... it's just too damn evil...
The Female Villain suddenly jumps and does cartwheels and kicks Child Hands in the face and he falls down. This black dressed character beats the crap out of the other villains and knocks them all out and stands next to Dougette.
Dougette: .... are you going to kill me?
The black dressed woman removes her mask... it's Amanda.
Amanda: Doug! What the hell are you doing???
Dougette: I was just having a bad day... I shopped ALL day for shoes and this city has HORRIBLE shoes....
Amanda: So you joined an evil cult planning to destroy the city?
Dougette: I just wanted to feel pretty... or burn down everything.... hey... why are YOU here?
Amanda: I was going to become a super villain again....
Dougette: Again?
Amanda: Yeah... before I became a police officer I used to be quite a bad person... but I turned my life around.... oh no....
Dougette: What?
Amanda: I'm going back to my old roots..... I have to stop before this goes too far! Thank goodness I'm on a leave from work... hopefully nobody knows what I did. I robbed a bank and did LSD and everything....
Dougette just looks at her speechless.
Amanda: I can't do this.... I can't let the rest of my world fall apart just because of the horrible thing that happened with me and Steroids Man... I'm coming back to the mansion.
Dougette: Well... hey... now that you and Steroids Man are related... maybe now you can give more thought to us getting in a relationship?
Amanda kicks Dougette in the face and drops her to the floor and heads home.
~~~~
Phil is working around cleaning up his office and laboratory, he looks a lot better. The robot comes in.
Robot: PHIL! YOU LOOK LESS DYING TODAY!
Phil: Yes, I fixed the problem with my head implants... my body has adjusted to them and I feel 100% better! All my headaches are gone and I feel like I can focus so much better on things!
Robot: AWESOME!!! I STILL THINK YOU ARE A VERY BORING HUMAN THOUGH!
Phil looks over at the blood viles he took from Amanda and Steroids Man.
Phil: I still can't believe what happened with Steroids Man and Amanda.... everything has changed now....
Phil looks closely at the viles of blood and notices something.
Phil: Wait a minute... how come Amanda's vile of blood is so full.... and not opened....
Phil looks at the blood and the data he got.
Phil: Wait a minute.... oh dear.
Robot: OH DEAR WHAT?
Phil: I ummm.... I think I tested Steroids Man's blood twice.... and thought I tested both of their bloods.....
Robot: YOU DID WHAT?!?!
Phil: I.... I did the blood tests horribly wrong (holds head) .... my body was rejecting the implants and giving me terrible headaches... I wasn't thinking clearly.... I think I made a horrible mistake!
Robot: PHIL!!!! YOU SMURFED THIS UP REALLY BADLY!
Phil: ...what?
Robot: THIS IS THE STUPIDEST SMURFING THING YOU EVER DID!
Phil: Why are you talking like that???
Robot: I RECENTLY HAD WORD CENSORING INSTALLED!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Manager is floating around watching town and is kinda lost.
The Manager: I just don't know what to do.... I lost Steroids Man... not that he would be any useful to me now that Amanda is his sister.... maybe I can get Phil to help me.... I'm getting desperate...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amanda comes home.
Amanda: Steroids Man? Are you here? STEROIDS MAN???
Phil enters the ruined living room to greet Amanda.
Phil: Hey Amanda....
Amanda: Where is Steroids Man?
Phil: Nobody knows... we lost all contact with him and he must have ditched his cell phone... because I can't even trace him if I wanted too...
Amanda: I know that we're brother and sister but... after some thought and a mild breakdown/crime spree... I think we should still be in each other's life.
Phil: Here's the thing.... you may want to sit down....
Amanda sits down on the love seat which is all that remains of the living-room.
Phil: I have been very sick lately and because of this it caused a lapse in my judgment.... I am very sorry to have misinformed you both... but I did the blood tests again correctly and you guys aren't related.
Amanda stands up happily.
Amanda: We're not related!?!?
Phil: Yes, I made a mistake..... sorry.
Amanda punches Phil in the throat...
~~~~
Phil wakes up to Amanda reviving him.
Amanda: Sorry Phil... I don't know what came over me... I guess I was just really pissed off at you for potentially ruining me and Steroids Man's lives.
Phil: *choke* I understand....
Amanda: But how will I find Steroids Man now?
The Manager projects himself to Amanda.
Amanda: Oh crap.... you're that demon that Steroids Man is working for... aren't you?
The Manager: I know where Steroids Man is! I will help you find him and get back together.
Amanda: Hey... that's pretty cool! Maybe you're not such a bad guy after all.
The Manager uses his powers to scour the earth and locate Steroids Man... Amanda takes a jet to go to the island where Steroids Man is hiding. This is another jet designed by Phil to be super easy to fly as it's intended for Steroids Man.
Amanda lands the jet and searches the island for Steroids Man.
Amanda (looking around): Steroids Man! Where are you?
Amanda finally finds Steroids Man in a tattered loin cloth talking to a volley ball with a face drawn on it. he looks like a primitive dirty caveman.
Amanda: Steroids Man! I found you!
Steroids Man: Amanda... is that you?
Amanda and Steroids Man hug.
Steroids Man: You found me! But ... why are you here? Now that we're related... I'm not sure if I can stand to be with you and not be able to have you...
Amanda: We're not related!
Steroids Man stands up very happy.
Steroids Man: WHAT?!???
Amanda: There was a mistake with the blood tests, Phil smurf up!
Steroids Man: Phil smurf up!??
Amanda: Phil smurf up!
Steroids Man: Phil smurf up!!!
They hug and dance singing "Phil smurf up" and are very happy.
Steroids Man: I'm going to kill Phil.
Amanda: Let's get on the jet and head home.
Steroids Man: Ok, come on William.
Amanda: William?
Steroids Man is staring at the volley ball which has a face drawn on it, and is positioned so it looks like the face is staring at Steroids Man.
Steroids Man: Come on William, we're leaving the island!
Amanda: That's a volley ball with a face drawn on it!
Steroids Man: Hey now, that volley ball with a face drawn on it helped me when I wasn't with you.... and he serviced me sexually.
Amanda gets impatient and kicks the ball off the island and it bounces and floats down the water.
Steroids Man: WILLIAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE smurf HAVE YOU DONE!??!
~~~~~~~~
Steroids Man and Amanda finally make it home and enter the mansion hugging and kissing and super happy.
Amanda: I'm so glad to be back with you, if anything this experience has made me love you more.
Steroids Man: Me too, I think we definitely belong together... we both went nuts alone.
Phil enters the room with some tang on a tray.
Phil: Hey guys... want some tang?
Steroids Man: Are you serious? Are you smurf serious?
Phil: Yeah....
Steroids Man: You almost ruined our lives and caused us horrible grief and you try to make up for it with TANG?!?!? MOTHERFUCKING TANG?!?!
Steroids Man charges over and Phil cowers.
Phil: Are you going to kill me?
Steroids Man: No... but you're fired.
Phil: Fired?
Steroids Man: You are no longer my Manager.
Phil: But..... I help you with so many things in your life and super hero career.... who could replace me?
Dougette enters the room with high heel boots.
Dougette: Hey guys, what do you think of these sweet boots? I had to travel 200 miles to find them!
Steroids Man looks over at Dougette and then looks at Phil and smiles.
Phil: No... you can't be thinking that.
~~~
Phil cleans out the stuff in his office and walks out holding a box of his belongings... he takes a sad look back and then shuts the door.
Dougette comes next to Phil in a fancy lady's business suit and slams a name plate that has her name on it over Phil's name to now read "Dougette's office"
Dougette hands Phil a mop and laughs and sits in the fancy office chair and leans back, puts her feet on the desk and smokes a cigar.
~~~ end
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