Chapter 83 --> Sexless on Xmas

[Clarence]

It's Christmas time again! Only one day left and is our hero Steroids Man prepared?

Nope.

~~

Steroids Man is in the underground parking driving around with Phil trying to desperately find a parking space.

Steroids Man: Son of a jabberwocky, why is everyone at the mall today?

Phil: Because they're all slack asses like you?

Steroids Man: Shut up computer head!

Phil: You promised you wouldn't draw attention to this big piece of technology sticking out of my head.

Steroids Man drives around and around until he finally finds a parking spot... when someone snatches it right before he can.

Steroids Man: smurf YOU GUY IN MY SPOT!!!!!

Steroids Man starts punching the steering wheel making the horn go off.

Phil: It's cool man, we're in no hurry.

Steroids Man: SHUT UP!!! You and your overly passive attitude is REALLY starting to get to me!

Phil: Alright.

Steroids Man finally finds a parking spot and he and Phil get out.

Steroids Man (Yelling): LOOK HOW smurf FAR AWAY I AM!

Phil: The walk will do us good.

Steroids Man: I'm gonna take some steroids to calm down. (Injects them into his face, back and legs)

Phil: Yeah, that will REALLY calm ya down.

Steroids Man and Phil begin to walk to the mall entrance from the lengthy parking garage when Steroids Man rubs too closely into a car and knocks the side mirror off.

Steroids Man: smurf!!!!

Steroids Man is right in middle of a sea of cars, it's PACKED and some people made their own parking spaces. Steroids Man gets pissed and tries to ram the side view mirror back on but causes more damage.

Phil: Let's just get to the mall.

Steroids Man: DAMN IT!

Steroids Man leaves and knocks a side view mirror off another car.

Steroids Man: smurf!!!!

Steroids Man steps back and knocks off yet another car's side view mirror with his super strength.

Steroids Man: SON OF A MOTHER smurf jabberwocky!!!

Steroids Man screams and punches out another car's driver side door window and then turns around and punches downwards at a roof denting it in and causing the car alarm to go off.

Steroids Man: SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!!! SHUT UP!!!! (Injecting more steroids)

Steroids Man kicks the noisy car high up in the air so it goes flying and grazing the ceiling causing sparks and it to land on other cars. Steroids Man then has a total roid rage attack and punches and kicks and destroys every car in the parking lot. Other shoppers look on in horror and children are crying.

Phil: This is really bad....

Steroids Man: REALLY!??! Because you tried to take over the world last week, all I did was destroy a few cars, so who's the real balloon knot?!?!

Some random kid: You are!

Some Mother: You ruined Christmas!

Steroids Man: smurf all of you!!

Suddenly the mall Santa comes out and he's some cross.

Mall Santa: What the hell are you doing?!!? Get out of here, there's kids here you monster!

Steroids Man: I NEED TO BUY GIFTS!

Mall Santa: Then go to another mall!

Steroids Man: NO!!!!

Mall Santa: These kids came out to see Santa today, not some steroids hopped up monster ruin Christmas!

Steroids Man: I'll show you RUINING CHRISTMAS!!!

Steroids Man screams and runs at Santa and picks him up when all the kids begin to cry.

Some kid: No... don't kill Santa....

Steroids Man suddenly calms down and realizes that for the first time in a long while, he had a pretty serious roid rage attack.

Steroids Man: Ummmm....

Phil: This looks pretty bad.....

Steroids Man: Phil, fix this.

Phil: What?

Steroids Man: Phil, you're my manager you have to help me.

Phil: Ok, fine.

And with that Phil announces to all the car owners some crap about getting rid of the old earth unfriendly cars of the city and will be buying everyone new and more expensive cars... which Steroids Man can afford easily with his insane wealth.

~~

Steroids Man is sitting on the couch next to Phil at home.

Steroids Man: I'm smurf... I ruined Christmas ... all the malls are closed now!

Phil: That's a shame.

Steroids Man: What am I going to do?

Phil: I think you're in a bit of trouble my friend.

Steroids Man: Think of an idea man! You used to have a super IQ.

Phil: I still have a very decent IQ but I'm tired.... these short days are really wearing me down.

Steroids Man: You're ruining Christmas.

Doug enters the room.

Doug: You want a Christmas present? Let me film you and Amanda doing it and you can play it over and over again to show her you care. And then you can do it while watching yourselves do it.

Steroids Man: Get the smurf out of here!

Doug leaves.

Steroids Man *sinking his face into his hands* : I got no ideas, I'm the worst boyfriend ever.

Phil: Fiance.

Steroids Man: What the hell does that word mean????

Suddenly there's a ring at the doorbell.

Steroids Man: I hope that's gifts for all of us!

Steroids Man goes to the door to see the robot has answered it.

Robot: THERE'S SOME KIND OF STRANGE HOMELESS MAN OUT HERE AND HE LOOKS EXTRA HOMELESS!

Steroids Man goes to the door to see Drew, The Manager's zombie assistant guy.

Steroids Man: Oh no... not now.

Drew (creepy zombie voice and glowing red eyes): It's time to help the master...

Steroids Man: NO!!! It's Christmas!

The Manager appears next to Drew as a ghost like red projection.

The Manager: We have a deal Steroids Man, and there's much work to be done to facilitate my return!

Steroids Man: Seriously Man, it's Christmas, give me a break!

There's a long pause.

The Manager: Very well.

Steroids Man: ....really?

The Manager: Yes. You can have your Christmas, for it will be your very last.

Steroids Man: What was that last part?

The Manager: Happy holidays!

Steroids Man: ...ok then *shuts door leaving The Manager and Drew alone outside*

Drew: Master.... ?

The Manager: Don't worry, we still have plenty of time to get him to do our dirty work. Letting him have Christmas will simply boost his morale and make him a more useful servant to my dark cause.

~~~~~~~~~~~

We pan to a door and hear a lot of noise from behind it and hear Steroids Man's voice.

Steroids Man: Oh no... running out of time, I have to figure this out fast! I hope she likes my home made gifts!

Suddenly we hear the doorbell and Amanda come in: Honey, I'm home!

Steroids Man screams and runs out the door as Amanda comes by and he then he locks the door.

Amanda: Hey Steroids Man how wa....

Steroids Man: NOTHING IS GOING ON IN THERE!!!!

Amanda: Anyway, I had a long day at the police station and I missed you.

Steroids Man: I missed you too!

Amanda: Let's go to the bedroom!

Steroids Man: Let's go!

They begin to run together up the stairs.

Steroids Man: You're not running fast enough!

Steroids Man picks up Amanda and she screams cheerfully and he runs to their bedroom with super speed and he throws her on the bed and shuts the door to the audience.

~~~~

Steroids Man is sitting on the couch with Amanda and they are both smoking big cigars.

Phil sits down next to them with a huge glass of water.

Phil: Hey guys... I didn't know you both smoked.

Steroids Man: We always smoke after tickle fight!

Phil spits his water out and Amanda slaps Steroids Man in the head.

Phil: Wow.... you guys have tickle fight often don't you?

Steroids Man: All the time, it's AWESOME!

Amanda: Steroids Man...

Phil: Yeah, we all can hear you through the whole mansion.

Amanda: Can we talk about something else?

Phil: We're all adults here.

Steroids Man: I'm just so happy I found my soul-mate, someone who I can have tickle fight with and nobody dies or gets hurt really badly.

Phil: Well, let's talk for a minute. You guys are getting married soon right?

Steroids Man: Yeah... we don't know for sure when. Amanda was talking maybe May 27th at the earliest cause that's her birthday.

Amanda: And it will give us some time to plan the wedding.

Steroids Man: And hopefully I'll be done helping The Manager build his machine to return from the demon world or wherever he is.

Amanda and Phil: What was that last part?

Steroids Man: Nothing.

Phil: Anyway.... your marriage will come up before you know it, and also your honeymoon.

Steroids Man and Amanda hold hands and smile.

Phil: You want your honeymoon to be special right?

Steroids Man: What are you getting at little man?

Phil: I'm saying, with how often you guys have tickle fight, when your honeymoon comes up it will just be another night of tickle fight... nothing special.

Amanda: hmmm....

Phil: I think it would be in both your best interests to refrain from tickle fight until your special night together. Otherwise it really won't have any meaning.

Amanda: You're right!

Steroids Man (looking shocked): No he isn't!

Amanda: He very much is. I want our marriage and our first night as husband and wife together to be special, let's wait until that night before we make love again.

Steroids Man: What... but.... you.... we can still do other stuff to each other right? Like with our hands and mouths?

Amanda looks over at Phil who's shaking his head no.

Amanda: Let's wait until our wedding night baby, it will be so special and magical!

Steroids Man: Phil?

Phil: Yeah?

Steroids Man: I'm going to kill you tonight.

Amanda: Steroids Man! He was trying to help!

Steroids Man: Yeah, ok... I'm going to go for a walk now.

Amanda: It's snowing pretty bad out there...

Steroids Man: going for my walk.....

Steroids Man goes around very pissed off and takes steroids and destroys 3 major city blocks with his fists and using head butts.

~~~~~~

Phil is in the kitchen sitting down having supper when Steroids Man enters the room.

Phil: Hey Steroids Man, you still going to have your Christmas celebration party you keep talking about?

Steroids Man: Yes..... we are going to do that .... you evil piece of shazam!.

Phil: What was that last part?

Steroids Man: Best .... Manager ever.... definitely not a douche bag....

Phil: Hey, while you're up, could you hand me that shopping bag? I'll just wrap my sandwich in there for later.

Steroids Man (twitchy eye): sure... let's do that....

Steroids Man grabs the shopping bag and puts it over Phil's head and begins to choke him while he kicks and screams.

Steroids Man: Go to sleep... go to sleep forever!!!

Steroids Man continues to suffocate Phil with a shopping bag and then when his body goes limp, Steroids Man picks Phil up and throws him into the fridge and into the counters and destroys the whole kitchen and kicks on Phil, stomping on him, blood is everywhere.....

......

Phil: Steroids Man? Hello?

Steroids Man is in a trance holding the shopping bag.

Phil: Are you going to pass me that shopping bag buddy?

Steroids Man: Yes sorry.... I was having a wonderful dream.

Steroids Man drops the bag on the table and leaves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's Christmas Eve night and everyone is hanging out in the living room talking when Steroids Man comes in.

Steroids Man: Hey everyone, who wants to party on Christmas Eve!

Everyone cheers.

Steroids Man: Ok, there is drinks and all sorts of fun things in the big party room of the mansion! I would like to invite you all individually to this wonderful occasion!

Everyone looks around a little puzzled.

Steroids Man: Amanda, my bride to be, come with me, you're coming to the party!

Amanda: woooooo!

Amanda goes up next to Steroids Man.

Steroids Man: Doug....... come on up buddy, you're coming too!

Doug: Alright, I'm gonna get drunk as smurf!!!

Doug stands next to Steroids Man and Amanda while Phil and The Robot watch on.

Steroids Man: Robot.... get on up here my shiny metal pal!

Robot: I'M GOING TO ROCK OUT TONIGHT!

Steroids Man, Amanda, Doug and the robot are all standing next the door to the party room while Phil looks on sadly.

Amanda: Aren't you.... forgetting someone?

Steroids Man: Of course I am.... Phil?

Phil: Yeah?

Steroids Man: Will you bring the cat over here, he's coming too.

Amanda: Steroids Man!

Phil throws the cat at Steroids Man who catches him.

Phil: There ya go, have fun.

Steroids Man: Ok... I do have one more person to invite....... Phil.........bert our milkman, come on up here!

Some new guy nobody ever seen before comes up dressed in white and with 6 glass bottles of milk in his hand in a case.

Phil: Who the hell is that guy?

Steroids Man: It's Philbert, our milk man, wonderful guy, seeya later!

Steroids Man and everyone but Phil and Amanda enter the large party room.

Phil: I didn't know there were still milk men around this day and age....

Amanda: Phil, just get in here, don't worry about it.

They enter the room and when Steroids Man sees Phil he just gives him this evil look.

Doug: Hey everyone meet Darla!

There is this very scantily clad woman in the room next to Doug.

Steroids Man: Who is that...?

Doug: This is a Shay I found when I went and checked the mail ... oh, by the way Steroids Man, this letter is for you.

Steroids Man opens the letter and reads it.

Steroids Man: "Dear Steroids Man, prepare for a world of pain as I kill you all on New Years Day, sincerely.... Revenge" ???

Amanda: What the?

Steroids Man: Probably just a fan, anyway, let's get drinking!

Everyone gets drinking and begins to party, Phil starts drinking a beer and Steroids Man smacks the bottle right out of his mouth and it shatters to the ground.

Steroids Man: oops!

As the night goes on everyone keeps drinking and Steroids Man keeps sneaking away from the party into his secret room to finish working on Amanda's gifts, one time she catches him.

Amanda: Hey there.... why do you keep leaving?

Steroids Man: No reason baby.... what do you say we go upstairs and have some fun?

Amanda: I'm having fun drinking...

Steroids Man: Let's bang each other!

Amanda: Come on now, when we make love on our honeymoon it will be awesome!

Steroids Man: What the hell am I suppose to do with the rest of these Santa Claus themed condoms!?!

Amanda: I'm going to go grab another drink.

Steroids Man: How many more drinks will it take for you to smurf me???

~~~~~~~~~

The party continues.... and now everyone is getting each other little gifts.

Amanda Gives the robot a new toupee, Phil gives Doug a new leather jacket, Philbert the milk man gives Max the cat some warm milk to drink.... and everyone just keeps getting each other gifts when it comes time for Steroids Man and Phil to swap presents. Steroids Man is sure Amanda is out of the room when this happens, and she's in the bathroom.

Phil: Here ya go Steroids Man, I made you a futuristic laser gun... you can use it to fight crime.

Steroids Man: Oh well that's fun.

Steroids Man takes the gun and crushes it in his hands.

Steroids Man: Wow, that didn't last long huh? What a bummer. Here open mine.

Phil gets handed a box and opens it.

Phil: Wow... it's a new tie... and it's cut in half....

Steroids Man: Here's a card.

Phil reads a Christmas card that has "Merry Christmas Phil" crossed out, and Phil reads the new line Steroids Man put in.

Phil: "Dear Phil, you ruined Christmas for me and you suck major bottom... stop getting involved in other people's tickle fight life you weird little man and go get a mirror so you can make out with yourself because that's the closest you'll ever come to a real relationship.... xoxo"

Amanda returns to the room and grabs a drink and Philbert the milk man comes over.

Philbert: Steroids Man... do I get anything for Christmas?

Steroids Man: Yeah, take this plasma screen TV.

Phil looks really sad.

Doug: Hey guys, look what I got to drink! Everyone gather around, I got Absinthe!! You drink this and you can see a green fairy!

Steroids Man: Alright, give me some of that! Maybe at least the green fairy will smurf me!

Amanda spits out her drink.

And the party goes on for a while and more wacky stuff happens.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Christmas morning >>

Steroids Man and Amanda are under the tree exchanging their Christmas presents.

Steroids Man opens his and is very happy with his gifts, she didn't have to give him a thing he was just happy to have her with him at Christmas. This Christmas they are happily engaged compared to last Christmas when he was poor and living at her place and some guy stole the TV.

Steroids Man (nervously): So.... I guess it's time for you to open my gifts....

Amanda opens her first box to see a picture of them together in a nice frame.

Amanda: I love this! This is the self portrait you took of us when you asked me to marry you... thanks so much! And this frame is nice too!

~~

Phil is in his office.

Phil: Ummmm where did that picture with me getting a diploma from university go???

~~

Steroids Man: There's more...

Amanda opens another gift.

Amanda: What's this? Is this a coupon book?

Steroids Man: Yeah, I made it myself. There's a lot of good ones in there!

Amanda: Free hug, free snuggle, awwww.... there's quite a lot of free tickle fight in here.

Steroids Man: Sorry.

Amanda smiles.

Steroids Man: also one more thing.

Steroids Man leaves and comes back with a long haired black kitty with a white belly.

Amanda: A kitty? For me?

Steroids Man: Yup, I know how much you love black cats ...

(It's a good thing one came outside Steroids Man's window last night and Steroids Man heard it)

Amanda: This is great, best Christmas ever.

Steroids Man: You're ... happy with your gifts?

Amanda: I'm just happy to be with you at Christmas... my fiance.

Steroids Man: There's that word again...

They hug under the Christmas tree and Doug, Phil and the Robot come down and all share Christmas morning as Max and the new cat (they named it Conky) get to know each other too.

Happy Christmas everyone!

[Wesley]

Wait, they decided a week before x-mas to stop having tickle fight? Until my brother's birthday? This is preposterous! I can understand for once why Steroids Man gets so upset!

[Clovvach]

Aww sweet episode one-a my favorites of the new season so far.

[Clarence]

Thanks guys, Merry Christmas!