Chapter 69 --> Parkour Man / 1984 Man

[Clarence]

It's a beautiful day at the park when....

Suddenly we hear sounds of electricity and see sparks coming from nowhere and a vortex opens... a guy steps out holding a device and wearing fancy bright silver clothing. He looks around as the vortex closes.

Time Traveler: Amazing... the past... just as I imagined it! My hand held time machine works!

A few pot head teenagers approach the time traveler.

Pot head kid: Wow man... are you from the future or something? You just came out of a blue circle dude.

Time Traveler: Drat, I can't let the time-line get corrupted...

The time traveler pulls out an out of date looking flashlight and shines it in the teenager's faces and makes strange space ship noises with his mouth and runs off.

Pot head kid: Wow man we just got abducted by aliens. *toke*

~~

Meanwhile out to sea~

Metal Face and his League of Evil are on their biggest yacht yet, as they continue to invade bigger yachts to live in while abandoning their previous ones.

We see the back of Metal Face in the corner and hear him peeing into Steroids Man's Urn. Metal Face zips up his pants and sits down next to his mother and fellow League of Evil members.

Metal Face: You know... peeing constantly in Steroids Man's ashes just doesn't feel like it should...

Linoleum Face: What do you mean, son?

Metal Face: I feel like I'm just peeing in cigarette ashes... I don't think these really belong to Steroids Man!

Viper: Oh my goodness Man, not this again!

Metal Face: I got a feeling he's still alive, I can feel it in my bone!

Viper: You're in denial Man, he's really dead!

Metal Face: Well I need to be sure, that's why I sought out a fellow pirate to help us.

Artichoke Man: So we ARE pirates now?

~Later a cliche looking pirate captain is on the yacht with a very athletic looking shirtless man talking to Metal Face and his men.

Metal Face: So, you can help me?

Pirate Captain: Yeharrr, if your Steroids Man is still alive then Parkour Man here will be able to find him.

Parkour Man: I can find ANYONE and I look stunning when I do!

Pirate Captain: Give me 5 million dollars, and Parkour Man is yours!

Metal Face: Oh ... well ... ummm... I don't really have any money....

Pirate Captain: Then give me that lovely looking woman in the mask over there!

Metal Face: That's my Mom!

Pirate Captain: Aye? Then I'll trade you Parkour Man for your Mother, straight trade.

Linoleum Face: Yeah right buddy! Son, tell him to get off your yacht!

Metal Face: Well... not so fast....

Linoleum Face: What do you mean not so fast?

Metal Face: I really desperately need to know if Steroids Man is still alive.... (To Pirate Captain) I'll do it!

Linoleum Face: what!?!?!

Pirate Captain: Excellent!

The pirate captain pushes Parkour Man over to Metal Face with a slap on the back and takes Linoleum Face off the yacht and back to his pirate ship.

Linoleum Face (Yelling to Metal Face's Yacht): You bastard!!!! smurf YOU!!!

Metal Face is standing next to Parkour Man smiling (Though hidden behind his metal face mask) and with his League of Evil.

Lilac Avenger: I can't believe you just handed your Mother over to that pirate and his men!

Metal Face: It had to be done....

Burdock Man: But everyone knows Steroids Man is dead, you lost your MOTHER over this!

Metal Face: No, this is more important! I have to find out for sure about Steroids Man, I need closure!

Parkour Man: Don't worry, if he is still alive, you'll know!

Metal Face (Turning to his men): Head for land!

Metal Face drops Parkour Man to shore and heads back to sea. Parkour Man provided Metal Face with the receiver to the small powerful camera he wears at all times.

Metal Face sits in the control room of the yacht with a huge TV and watches and waits...

~~~~~

At The Steroids Mansion...

A cop car pulls into the yard and parks. Amanda gets out and lets herself into the mansion.

Amanda: I'm home!

Steroids Man enters the room and gives Amanda a loving hug.

Steroids Man: I love you so much! This is a dream come true!

Amanda: I love you too!

They begin to make out.

###Flashback to the end of Season 5 where Steroids Man just died in the hospital room.

A few doctors try to console Amanda and then per her request leave her alone in the room with the door shut to cry.

After a few minutes has passed she looks at Steroids Man and the silent heart monitor and reality starts to sink in... when suddenly....

The vent cover comes falling down from the ceiling and Phil drops down into the room holding a box.

Amanda: what the hell? Steroids Man's Manager?

Phil: Yes, how long has he been dead?

Amanda: Like 20 minutes...

Phil: Drat... that much lack of oxygen may make him considerably more stupid once I revive him.

Amanda: Huh?

Phil opens this box to reveal a bunch of surgical tools and a heart.

Amanda: What is going on?

Phil: Don't worry about this, it turns out I'm a genius! I've got this figured out.

Phil begins to quickly cut Steroids Man open and replace the heart and then seal him back up...

Amanda: There's no way this is going to work!

Phil completes the speedy operation and then injects Steroids Man with some Steroids and other mysterious substances. After a few minutes Steroids Man begins to wake up.

Amanda: How did you do that?!?!

Steroids Man: I'm ... I'm alive?

Amanda hugs Steroids Man.

Steroids Man: I thought I was dead... but now I feel great, what did you do?

Phil: You now have a very strong rhino heart inside of you... I found a way to make it compatible... also I used to operate on Dr. Bad a lot... this should allow you to use more steroids without any repercussions.

Steroids Man: But before you said there's nothing you can do for me, how come you were able to save me now?

Phil: Let's just say I had a scientific breakthrough.....

Phil looks away as if something is up and we flash back to something that happened in Phil's office from the finale of Season 5.

Phil takes his coffee and goes back into his office.

From inside the office we see Phil enter the room and drop his coffee.... the room is glowing red and making a creepy noise.

Room: OOOOOOoooooooooooOOOOOoooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Phil: What the hell?!

Demonic Voice: PHIL!!!!!!

Phil: What .... who..... what's happening?

Demonic Voice: LISTEN TO ME!!!

Phil (nervously): Ok....

Demonic Voice: GOOD.... I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT FOR ME!!!!

Phil listens as we zoom into Phil's eyes and large pupils and see a silhouette of a shadowy figure with horns.

Phil: What do you want....

Demonic Voice: Steroids Man must not die... he is far too important!

Phil: what does that have to do with me?

Demonic Voice: Listen very carefully to my instructions and you can save his life....

Phil: But...

Demonic Voice: DO IT OR ELSE!!!!!

Room: OOOOOoooo!!! OOOOOOoooo!!! OOOOOOOOOOOoooo!!!

The room grows more red and evil.

~~~Back to Phil, Steroids Man, and Amanda in the hospital.

Amanda: I'm so glad you're alive!

Steroids Man: I'm so glad I get to see you again!

Amanda: Does this mean we can finally be together now?

Steroids Man: Yes but... does everyone think I'm dead?

Phil: It's all over the news.

Steroids Man: Excellent... I want it to stay that way.

Amanda: Huh?

Steroids Man: My biggest fear was that I would lose you as a result of being a super hero.... I don't want to be a super hero anymore!

Amanda: What are you going to do?

Steroids Man: Let's let the world continue to think I'm dead, and then we can live in peace.

Amanda: If that's what you really want to do!

Steroids Man: I just want to be with you now, you're the only thing that matters to me! I can't have the fear of losing you hold back our relationship anymore!

{And so Steroids Man pretended to be dead while being wheeled to the morgue at which point Phil intercepted and pretended to deliver him to a funeral home (But actually took him back to the Steroids Mansion). Phil took Doug's cigarette ashes and put them in the urn and staged a phony funeral to make the world believe Steroids Man was dead. To make it extra legitimate Steroids Man's will was carried out and Amanda and Phil each got half the money, and Amanda bought the Steroids Mansion and moved in}

~~Back to present

Steroids Man: I'm so happy!

Amanda: Me too, life is great and I think I'm getting closer to that promotion I was talking about!

Phil enters the room.

Phil: Oh hey guys.

*Ding Dong the door bell rings.

Steroids Man: I'll get it!

Steroids Man opens the door.

Steroids Man: Hey there, I'm Steroids Man come on in!

Steroids Man invites the stranger into the house, it's some mysterious man wearing futuristic clothing made mostly from tin foil and holding a strange device.

Phil: WOW! So much for pretending to be dead...

Steroids Man: shazam! I forgot!

Time Traveler: Ummmm.... hello everyone.

Steroids Man: Are you a Mormon?

Time Traveler: No... I'm actually here to gather information about this time line, this mansion looks nice so I thought I would stop in.

Phil: What?

Time Traveler: I'm from the future!

Steroids Man: The future?!? Tell me about me, Steroids Man, what legacy did I leave behind?

Time Traveler: I never heard of you before.

Phil: Ok are you seriously buying this? Time travel is not possible.

Time Traveler: Oh yeah?

The time traveler opens a vortex using the hand held time machine device and then closes it.

Phil: Whoa... that... actually seemed pretty legitimate.

Time Traveler: I told you, I'm from the future!

Suddenly something drips on the time travelers head.

Time Traveler: What the hell...

Everyone looks up to see Doug is waxing the second floor banister, using an absurd amount of wax.

Steroids Man: What the hell are you doing up there??

Doug: I'm waxing the banister!

Steroids Man: Why are you using so much smurf wax!?

Doug: Why are you such an bottom face!?!?

The time traveler just looks on very confused.

Doug: You complain because I don't do enough janitor work, and then when I do you freak out at me in front of guests! Why do you play these MIND GAMES WITH ME!

Steroids Man: How dare you raise your voice to me!

Doug: smurf YOUR FACE!!!

Steroids Man: Go to your room!

Doug: I'm already on my way!

Time traveler: Anyway... I'm surprised how modern this mansion is... it's very shocking.

Phil: Wait, if you're really from the future, won't this interaction alter the time line?

Time Traveler: Yes, but I plan on erasing your memories of this event later.

Amanda: What the hell is going on?

Phil: How will you erase our memories?

Time Traveler: With this! (Holds up flashlight)

Phil: That's an old flashlight... what the hell year are you from anyway?

Time Traveler: I'm from the horrifying and bleak future of 1984!!!

Everyone just bursts out into roaring laughter, with Steroids Man actually falling on the floor laughing.

Time Traveler (Angry): What the hell is so funny?

Steroids Man: Man... it's 2011... you're in the future!

Time Traveler: DAMN IT!!! I thought I was in 1911........ awww crap!

Phil: And YOU invented a time machine?

Time Traveler: Screw you all! I'm never time traveling again! I'm going to go live on an island somewhere.

The time traveler walks away and leaves his time machine behind.

Amanda goes out to the door holding the time machine and yelling at the mysterious time traveler.

Amanda: Hey buddy, you forgot this!

Time Traveler: Just destroy it, it's more trouble than what it's worth! Oh no... my self esteem problems... I'm going to relapse hard this time, the future better have good alcohol!

{The mysterious and emotionally disturbed time traveler would find himself dead less than 2 weeks later in a hammock, from alcohol poisoning}

Amanda: wow... that was random as hell. (Amanda hands Steroids Man the time machine)

Phil: What are you planning on doing with that?

Steroids Man: I may just hold on to it... why not?

Phil: Just make sure you be careful with that because time travel could be dangerous... if something went wrong or if that fell into the wrong hands the results could be devastating!

FORESHADOWING!!!!

Steroids Man: Yeah, I'll probably be careful.

Phil: Ok then. (Leaves the room)

Steroids Man just throws the time machine into a closet with a bunch of linens and the cat gets in and plays with it.

Steroids Man (to Amanda): So where were we?

Steroids Man and Amanda begin to make out again.

Amanda: What do you say we take this into the bedroom?

Steroids Man: I can't... doctor Phil says I need to wait a bit longer for my body to completely adjust to my new rhino heart.

Amanda: What a shame!

{Steroids Man and Amanda still haven't had tickle fight yet.... and Steroids Man still hasn't figured out how exactly he'll have tickle fight with her without killing her horribly}

~Later that night

It's rainy and stormy and outside we see the shirtless Parkour Man standing in front of the mansion.

Parkour Man: Metal Face, I am at the mansion!

We see Metal Face is watching from inside his yacht, the storm is even worse in the sea making the other members of the League of Evil nervous.

Metal Face: Get in there and confirm if that bastard is really dead!

Parkour Man: Yes, prepare to be AMAZED!!!

Parkour Man jumps over the fence from the ground and does a bunch of amazing flips and twists and gets on top of the Steroids Mansion's roof in the most elaborate way possible.

Parkour Man then breaks inside and climbs on a bunch of ledges in the master hallway entrance-way and sees Doug and Steroids Man talking.

As Parkour Man's camera makes contact with Steroids Man the signal to Metal Face's yacht is lost due to the storm and the TV turns to static. An image of Steroids man only appears on Metal Face's TV screen for a fraction of a split second... only Metal Face seen the image and it lasted for what seemed like an eternity to him.

Metal Face: HE IS ALIVE!!!!

Artichoke Man: I didn't see anything!

Covered Bridge Man: Me either!

Metal Face: I saw him... I swear to you, I saw him standing right before my own eyes....

Lightning hits the yacht and Metal Face almost craps his pants!

Burdock Man: Can we focus on the storm right now?!??!

Meanwhile Parkour Man watches Steroids Man talk to Doug from high up on the ceiling when he notices his camera beeping. The signal is lost.

Parkour Man: Hello? .... Metal Face? ... Are you there? Ah, screw it, I'll just go home and upload this video to YouTube.

Parkour Man jumps on the chandelier making a huge noise and getting Steroids Man and Doug's attention.

Steroids Man: What the hell?!?!

Parkour Man: Steroids Man! I'm going to post this video on YouTube and show the world that you are still alive! I bet I get a million views in the first day! I'll be a YouTube celebrity!

Parkour Man leaps from the chandelier to a window ledge then to a statue as he makes his way down from the 5 story tall ceiling. Finally Parkour Man finally reaches the overly waxed banister on the second floor. He slips while jumping from the banister and does a perfect reverse double flip with a full twist then falls down and busts his head on the floor. He's dead.

Doug and Phil look at the mysterious shirtless man who just basically killed himself.

Steroids Man turns back to Doug

Steroids Man: Anyway, as I was saying, you simply HAVE to get softer toilet paper for the bathrooms! Those other toilet paper rolls tear my bottom apart and I can't go to the grocery store because I'm dead!

Doug: Ok ok, just get over it already!

Steroids Man: Sorry, but I'm really irritated and I have super hemorrhoids! And please clean that dead guy off the floor.

Doug: This janitor job sucks!

~~~Steroids Man goes into Amanda's room late at night stark naked and covered in oil (to make him look sweaty and sexy) with a surprise he thought up that he thought would entice her.

Steroids Man: Oh Amanda?

Amanda: Yes?

Steroids Man: PARKOUR!!!

Steroids Man jumps in the air and grabs onto the door frame and tears it out of the ceiling and then does a roll and smashes into her dresser causing it to collapse.

Steroids Man: *cough* What do you think of my sweet moves?

Amanda: ... Goodnight.

~~end

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Please leave me a comment!

[chex]

Metal Face: I got a feeling he's still alive, I can feel it in my bone!

*snickers*

Steroids Man: What the hell are you doing up there??

Doug: I'm waxing the banister!

Steroids Man: Why are you using so much smurf wax!?

Doug: Why are you such an bottom face!?!?

LOVE Doug!!

[Clovvach]

Dude! Parkour Man was awesome! I love how he died, I can see it perfectly, this episode was good after all...

except for maybe the fact that you reincarnated Steroids Man, I thought you said you were going to try a whole season with him dead.

[Clarence]

No he was never dead, this was always my intention, I just had to make sure nobody figured it out.

[Wesley]

Rhino hearts are pretty big.

[Clarence]

Yeah but Steroids Man is very big --

So... how happy is everyone that Steroids Man and Amanda finally get a chance to enjoy life together?

[Wesley]

they should practice safe tickle fight.

[Clarence]

I'm sure they'll figure out a way past that situation sooner or later.

but come on people Steroids Man and Amanda finally made it! I thought everyone would be so happy about this!

[Clovvach]

Hehehe

69





It's one of my favorites though, a lot of stuff going on, but not my absolute FAVORITE, it just ranks pretty high. :D

[Clarence]

Well hopefully I can get ya higher!

[Clovvach]

It's hard to make lots of "MY FAVORITE" ones, because favorite-ness has a lot to do with what happens in previous episodes.

What I like in an episode:

Usually if it marks the finale to a builds up, that's pretty cool
lot's of really ridiculous situations/humor
Quirky storyline.
Lots of different stories going on all at once that intertwine with each other in one way or another (watch "The Terminal" if you want examples)
^ if it has all of these, then length too.

One of my favorites: remember that one where Steroids Man was like a bounty hunter or something, and he fought ninjas in the dark, while an old lady looked for flashlights in a dildo cabinet?

Instant classic. My absolute FAVORITE.

[Clarence]

Yeah, you're probably right about the Ninjas

also thanks again to Zot who really enhanced the Parkour Man experience.

[Clarence]

Man, thanks to Zot again, he really made the Parkour Man Death scene come to life in an amazing and hilarious way!