Chapter 119 --> GPS From Hell

[Clarence]

~~about a week ago~~

Steve is driving and Amanda is in the front passenger seat.

Amanda: You're driving in circles!

Steve: I'm smurf lost!

Amanda: We're going to miss the movie!

Steve: smurf!

Amanda: You're not even on the right side of town! We've been to this theater many times before! You have no sense of direction!

Steve turns off the road and is in a large gravel pit.

Amanda: Where the smurf are you going now!?!?

Steve: I don't know! I think this is a short-cut!

Amanda: What the hell are you basing that on!?!?!

Steve: Desperate hope!

Suddenly Steve drives down a large pit and they both scream as Steve loses control of the car and crashes at the bottom. They are ok but just shaken up.

Steve: shazam!!

Amanda: I can't smurf believe this!

Steve: I'm so sorry baby!

Amanda: I love you Steve, I really do, but I can't handle you getting lost and almost killing us every time you drive us somewhere!

Steve looks very sad.

Amanda: I'm buying you a GPS.

Steve: I can make up letters too! I'm getting you a WBK!

Amanda: No silly, I'm getting you a global positioning device.

Steve has a blank look on his face.

Amanda: I'm getting you a device that tells you how to get to places so we don't get lost and end up in random gravel pits!

Steve: ohhhhhhhhh.....

~~~~~~ back to present ~~~~~

Steve, Amanda and Phil are in Phil's office looking over documents.

Amanda: So we all agree then?

Phil: I think he's the best choice from this list anyway.

Steve: Me too. *sigh* Alright, I'll call him tonight.

~~~~

Steve is drunk off his bottom with a list of heroes and phone numbers and is eating pizza. Steve takes his phone and dials.

Steve: Hello? ....... Am I speaking with the Texas Tornado? ....... Hey there buddy ....... right, right ....... So I'm here to ask.. if you want to be the hero who replaces me! ....... right ....... yes, that would be great! ....... and we're not going to have any issues with your hat, right? ....... good, good ....... oh you don't have a car ... shazam! ....... I need to pick you up?

Steve looks pissed off and takes a large drink.

Steve: Fine, give me your address and I'll try to find you! ...... (Steve takes down the address) ..... Ok Texas Tornado, I'll see you tomorrow.

Steve hangs up the phone and sits back in his chair and turns on the TV.

Steve: How the hell can you be a hero and not have a vehicle?

~~~~~

The next day, Steve is in the car getting ready to leave the driveway.

Steve: Oh yeah, I better turn on my GSP.

Steve turns on the GPS and plays with it for a minute to learn how to use it, he then puts in the address he got in the phone call last night.

Steve: Ok, let's go get the Texas Tornado!

GPS: ^^Turn right on Steroids Boulevard^^

Steve: Oh yeah, I made them name this street after me.

Steve leaves the driveway and begins his trip.

GPS: ^^Turn left on Henderson Drive^^

Steve: Will do PS3!

Steve continues to follow the GPS and ends up approaching a red light.

GPS: ^^Turn left on Tamarra Street^^

Steve: Ok, I like this! I don't have to think!

Steve stops right at the front row of the left turn lane at the red light and waits.

GPS: ^^Make a left turn on Tamarra Street right now!^^

Steve: Ok... well... I have to wait for the red light....

GPS: ^^MAKE THE TURN RIGHT NOW!!!^^

Steve: shazam!!!!

Steve immediately plants his foot on the gas pedal without thinking and makes a wild left turn and two other cars swerve off the road as Steve speeds down the street.

Steve: Why the hell did you make me do that?

GPS: ^^Drive faster!!^^

Steve: No, I'm going the speed limit!

GPS: ^^Do you want to get there or not???^^

Steve drives faster but isn't happy about it.

Eventually Steve ends up behind the truck which paints the lines on the roads. Steve is on a road which has 2 lanes on either side. Steve is on the left lane behind the truck which is painting the lines to his right. A worker is sitting on the back of the truck placing pylons down as the white broken line gets painted in. All the other cars driving are on the right side of the 2 lane stretch zooming by as Steve is stuck behind the slow moving truck painting the lines.

Steve: shazam!, I need to get in that other lane but this balloon knot is placing pylons in my way! Why didn't you warn me about this RPG?

Steve can't take being behind this slow moving truck painting the lines anymore so he sees a gap between the pylons marking the fresh paint and moves into the right lane slowly. The guy on the back of the painting truck is pissed.

Worker: Hey! What the hell!?

Steve: Huh?

Worker: You drove right into the paint! You drove RIGHT into it! Don't you know what the pylons are for??!

Steve: What the hell was I suppose to do?

Worker: You WAIT! We work hard to paint the lines not to have people like you RUIN IT!!

There are cars behind Steve honking.

Steve: DAMN IT!!!

Steve speeds off and is pissed.

~~~

After a VERY stressful drive, Steve finally makes it to the destination.... a scary looking house that is full of bullet holes.

Steve: This can't be right.... PBS, did you lie to me?

Suddenly out of nowhere a guy in a gray costume and mask jumps into the front passenger window and gets in the car with Steve. This guy is LOADED with guns.

Steve: Who the smurf are you??!

Shotgun Harry: It's me, Shotgun Harry! Remember? From the super hero auditions?

Steve: Ok but what the hell are you doing here?

Shotgun Harry: You called me last night.

Steve: No I didn't!

Shotgun Harry: You did, you sounded pretty drunk too.

Steve: I talked to the Texas Tornado last night!

Shotgun Harry: You talked to me, remember? You just kept calling me the Texas Tornado.

Steve: Right! Because I thought I was talking to the Texas Tornado! That call wasn't meant for you!

Steve thinks back for a second and realizes that the list he was using listed Shotgun Harry right above Texas Tornado... he was looking at Shotgun Harry's phone number by mistake.

Steve: I drunk dialed you by accident! You didn't clue in when I kept calling you the Texas Tornado? You didn't even correct me!

Shotgun Harry: I thought it was your pet name for me or something.

Steve just freaks out and has a jazz hands attack.

Steve: WHY THE smurf WOULD YOU THINK I WAS CALLING YOU TEXAS TORNADO AS A PET NAME!!?!?!?!!

Shotgun Harry: Listen Jimmy, I use pet names, I figured you would too.

Steve: GET THE smurf OUT OF MY CAR!!!

Shotgun Harry: No!

Steve: What do you mean no?!?!?

Shotgun Harry: I quit my job today to become your replacement!

Steve: I don't care!

Shotgun Harry: Well I got nothing left to live for then.

Shotgun Harry takes out one of his many guns and points it at himself.

Steve: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?!?

Shotgun Harry: I'm ending it.

Steve: Damn it fine, you can replace me!

Shotgun Harry: Sweet!

Steve: Just don't smurf this up!

~~~~

Steve is using the GPS to guide him back to the mansion as he drives with Shotgun Harry.

Shotgun Harry: Sweet GPS.

Steve: Yeah ... it's suppose to be top of the line... my wife bought it for me.

GPS: ^^Turn right on Andrew Street^^

Steve: This doesn't seem like the way to my place.

GPS: ^^Arriving at Friendly's Convenience Store^^

Steve pulls into the convenience store and is very confused.

Steve: What are we doing here....

GPS: ^^Now rob it^^

Steve: What?

GPS: ^^Rob the convenience store, NOW!!!^^

Steve: No!!! I'm not doing that!

Shotgun Harry (holding up a gun): Don't worry Jimmy! I got this shazam!!

Shotgun Harry runs into the convenience store with two guns drawn.

Steve's heart is beating very fast and starting to hurt.

Steve: I'm getting the hell out of here!

GPS: ^^Don't move an inch!!^^

Steve looks very scared and clutches his heart.

Steve: What the hell is going on!??!

~~~~~

Steve comes home with Shotgun Harry and bags and bags of potato chips. Everyone in the mansion is here to greet them.

Steve: Hey everyone... I got The Texas Tornado.

Everyone looks on confused as this very scary man with guns.

Phil: That's not the Texas Tornado.

Steve: No, this is Shotgun Harry... Texas Tornado is just his pet name.

Amanda: What the...

Steve: Hey Texas?

Shotgun Harry: Yes Jim?

Steve: Let me introduce everyone to you.

Everyone looks very confused.

Steve: This is my wife, Amanda.

Shotgun Harry: Hello Shirley!

Steve: This is my manager, Phil.

Shotgun Harry: Hey there Big Pants.

Steve: ...my janitor Dougette.

Shotgun Harry: Man Face.

Steve: And some robot.

Robot: My name is Trent!

Shotgun Harry: Hello Kathy.

Amanda looks so confused.

Dougette: Why did you buy so many bags of chips?

Steve: ... I was really hungry?

Amanda: Ummm... Steve can I talk to in private for a minute?

Steve: Ok.

Shotgun Harry: Sweet! Let's DO this!

Amanda: No, just Steve.

~~~~

Amanda and Steve are alone in their bedroom.

Amanda: What the hell is going on? That's not the Texas Tornado!

Steve: You want to know what the hell is going on?

Amanda: Yeah...

Steve: I'll tell you what the hell is going on! I thought I called the Texas Tornado, but called this balloon knot by mistake.

Amanda: So just kick him out.

Steve: I tried that, he quit his job for this and threatened to shoot himself if I didn't hire him.

Amanda: What the smurf....

Steve: And guess what? That GPS?

Amanda: Yeah?

Steve: It's evil!

Amanda: What are you talking about?

Steve: It's making me break the law!

Amanda: How so?

Steve opens his mouth and is about to explain the convenience store robbery but stops himself because it may piss off Amanda too bad.

Steve: ...just trust me, it's evil and I HATE it!

Amanda looks very sad.

Amanda: How can you hate it.... *sniff* .... I bought it for you, it was a nice gift!

Steve: I don't hate it baby, I just don't trust it.

Amanda: What does that even mean?

Steve: Let me show you!

~~~~

Steve is taking Amanda for a quick drive.

GPS ^^Please kindly make a left turn at the next set of traffic lights when possible^^

A smiley face appears on the GPS screen.

Steve: ...what the smurf.

Amanda: See? The GPS is working fine.

Steve: Ok.... I don't know what the hell is going on!

Amanda: Are you stressed baby?

Steve: I don't know what the hell is going on other than I need a drink!

Amanda: I think you're stressed, let's go home and have tickle fight!

Steve: Ok.

Amanda: ... on one condition.

Steve: ...what?

Amanda: You keep my GPS which I bought you as a love gift and use it every time you drive while thinking of me.

Steve: I am going to get so drunk tonight....

As Steve drives home he once again finds himself behind the same truck painting the lines on the road.

Steve: SON OF A jabberwocky!!

Amanda: Whoa... what?

Steve: Line people!

Amanda: Line people?

Steve: Yeah, you know, the smurf line people! They're smurf balloon knot!

Amanda: .... you need to get laid so bad...

~~~~~

Steve is on top of Amanda giving it to her hard in bed while drinking a bottle of wine.

Amanda: OHHH YESS!!! smurf ME HARDER!!!!

Steve: YESSSSSSS!!!!

Amanda: YESSSSSS!!!! OHHHH YESSSSSS!!!

Ted: Hey!

Amanda and Steve both scream bloody murder and roll out of bed and fall on the floor stark assed nude and stand up covering with blankets.

Amanda: WHAT THE smurf!!?!?!!?

Steve (clutching his heart): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!??!!

Ted: I need to talk to you about your replacement.

Amanda: Wait a minute... Ted?

Ted: That's right! I'm the head of the FBI and saved you from your ex-boyfriend, Ian. Remember that?

Amanda: Yeah, but what the hell are you doing interrupting our amazing tickle fight?!

Ted: It didn't look that amazing.

Steve (drinking): What the HELL do you WANT?!?!?

Ted: I'm not happy with the hero you picked to replace you. A lot is riding on you picking the right super hero because he is also going to represent our country!

Steve: WHY DON'T YOU JUST CALL WHEN YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT THESE THINGS???!?!

Ted: Oh..... well if you prefer phone calls.

Steve: OBVIOUSLY I PREFER PHONE CALLS TO YOU BARGING IN ON ME DURING tickle fight!!

Ted: Alright, well expect a stern call from me later!

Ted runs and jumps out the window ... after a brief second a helicopter is seen flying up past the window with Ted driving.

Steve: Amanda... I need to retire... like really soon!

Amanda: I know babe.

Suddenly Steve's cell phone rings and he answers it.

Ted: I need to talk to you about Shotgun Harry.

Steve: DAMN IT!!!! I'LL MAKE IT WORK OK!?!?!?

~~~~~~

Amanda is in the living-room talking to Dougette and the robot who are cuddling.

Amanda: So what are you guys up too?

Robot: OH, WE ARE HAVING THE CRAZIEST ADVENTURE THIS WEEK!

Dougette: It's BEYOND crazy and SOOOOO awesome!

Amanda: Tell me about it!

Dougette: You know, there's really no time.

Suddenly gun shots are heard from the bathroom and everyone goes to check it out. Everyone is outside the bathroom door and hears the shower running.

Steve (knocking on the door): Is everything ok in there?

Shotgun Harry: Yup!!! Just taking a shower!!!

*BANG!!*

Steve: Ok, that's it!

Steve rams the bathroom door hard and it falls in and Steve moves the shower curtain over.

Steve: What the smurf!!!

Shotgun Harry is covered in soap suds in the running shower as he rubs soap and guns all over his body.

Shotgun Harry: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!?!

Steve: What are you doing with the guns?

Shotgun Harry: I'm taking a shower what does it look like?!?!

Steve: With the guns??!?!

Shotgun Harry: Yes! I do everything with my guns! How do you clean your guns?

Steve is gasping for air and leaves clutching his heart.

~~~~~

Amanda and Steve are talking outside.

Amanda: Are you ok? I'm really worried about you!

Steve: I'm ok... I just really want to drink but I can't because I'm about to drive.

Amanda: Ok, well take it easy and don't forget to use my GPS.

Steve gulps hard.

~~~~

Steve is driving with Shotgun Harry getting ready for a day of field testing the new hero.

Shotgun Harry: Do you mind if I smoke in the car?

Steve: I really don't care. Let's just get you trained to replace me and get this over with!

Shotgun Harry takes out a cigarette and puts it in his mouth, he then aims the gun at the cigarette and out the window at the same time.

*BANG!!!!!*

Steve swerves all over the road.

Steve: WHAT THE HELL!?!?!??!?!

Shotgun Harry: What's wrong Jimmy.... just lighting my smoke.

Steve: YOU LIGHT YOUR SMOKES WITH A GUN!?!?

Shotgun Harry: I told you, I do everything with a gun.... hold on, I got something in my ear.

Shotgun Harry begins to clean out his ear wax with the tip of his gun.

Steve is getting concerned because he can't do steroids and he can't drink right now and his chest pains are getting worse.

GPS: ^^RUN OVER THAT WOMAN^^

Steve: What.... NO!

Shotgun Harry: Your GPS is INTENSE!

Steve: I'm turning this damn thing off. Don't tell Amanda or I will kill you!

Steve turns off the GPS.

Steve: Whew.

Suddenly the GPS comes back on.

GPS: ^^That wasn't a smart move, Steve!^^

Steve swerves all over the road again.

Steve: Ok!!! That's it!!! I'm getting rid of you once and for all, I don't care how Amanda feels!

Steve pulls and pulls at the GPS with one hand while driving with the other barely keeping control of the vehicle.

Steve: Why won't you come off?!?!?!

GPS: ^^GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME!!!^^

Steve lets go of the GPS and keeps driving as Shotgun Harry looks on confused.

Steve: WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!?

GPS ^^You're going to do everything I say, or else!^^

Steve: Or else what?

GPS: ^^I'll show Amanda this video^^

On the GPS screen a video of what Steve said only moments ago is played where he says "I don't care how Amanda feels!".

Steve: No.... (clutching heart) ... that's taken out of context!!!!

Shotgun Harry: Are you ok Jimmy?

Steve: What is going on.....

****

Cut to William the evil scientist in his secret lab talking into a microphone.

William: If you don't want Amanda to see that video... you'll rob a bank!

Steve's voice from a speaker: Damn it!

William presses a mute button and laughs an evil laugh, we pan out to see a shadowey figure watching from the background who's hooked to machines. We can't really make him out at all.

Shadowy Figure: This is awesome!

William: We are going to ruin him, take all his money and then when you're at 100% you will kill him!

Shadowy Figure: I can't wait!

(Reminder: Professor William is the son of the guy who invented the super soldier serum which turned Dave into Maverick. Maverick murdered William's Father but William believes Steroids Man did it as the police lied to him. He spies on Steve every day looking for ways to ruin his life and seen an opportunity to swap his GPS with his evil GPS creation in the night)

******

Steve is driving and crying.

Shotgun Harry: Don't worry, with my guns we can rob banks no problem!

Steve: *sob* I really don't want to do something evil.... I worked so hard to become a hero! I just want to retire and start a family with my wife *cries*

Shotgun Harry looks at Steve and feels really bad.

Shotgun Harry: We're not going to rob that bank!

Steve: *cry* But the KFC is blackmailing me!

Shotgun Harry: Let me show you what I think of Mr. GPS!

Shotgun Harry takes his gun and shoots the GPS and it deactivates. It hangs off the window with a big gun shot hole through the screen.

Steve: You.... you did it! You defeated the evil TBS!!

Shotgun Harry: Does that mean you finally like me Jimmy?

Steve: Like you? I LOVE you! You just proved you have what it takes to be a hero!

Shotgun Harry: So you'll show me the ropes and all that and you're cool with me replacing you?

Steve: Yes!!! I can finally retire!

Steve reaches over and hugs Shotgun Harry very tightly.

Shotgun Harry: You're not driving!!!!

Steve: OH shazam!!!!!

Steve crashes into an abandoned brick building and writes off the car.... they emerge from the twisted wreckage, injured but not terribly.

Steve: *cough* ... *cough* ... shazam!... the car.... are you ok?

Shotgun Harry: Yeah... but that sucked.

Steve: Well... I only got one problem left... how do I explain what happened to the machine to Amanda?

Shotgun Harry: You mean the GPS?

Steve: Yes.

Shotgun Harry: hmmmm... I got an idea!

Shotgun Harry tells Steve the idea!

Steve: You're a smurf legend! You seriously saved my life. You know what? Your training is done man, I'm retiring tomorrow!

Shotgun Harry: Sweet!

~~~~

A tow truck with Steve's wrecked car enters the mansion driveway and Amanda runs out screaming.

Amanda: WHAT HAPPENED?!?!?!

Steve and Shotgun Harry exit the tow truck looking a little roughed up.

Steve: Everything's fine baby.

Steve and Amanda hug.

Amanda: What happened?

Steve: I was looking at the P... SG thing while driving and it distracted me... I drove right into a building!

Amanda: OH crap!!! I'm so sorry!!!! This is all my fault!

Amanda hugs Steve tight and he winks at Shotgun Harry.

Amanda: I'm so very very very sorry! I'll never make you use a GPS again and will give you the best make-up tickle fight ever!

As Amanda is hugging Steve she looks over to see the GPS in the mangled car.

Amanda: Hey...

Amanda stops hugging Steve and goes over and looks inside.

Amanda: Why does it look like the GPS has been shot at?

Steve (getting very nervous): Ummmmm....

Amanda: What's going on???

Shotgun Harry (cleaning his ear out with a gun): Man I have a lot of wax build up..... *BANG!!!!!*

Shotgun Harry blows his own head off and blood and brains spray all over Amanda and Steve.

Steve (clutching his heart): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH .... MY HEART.... CAN'T BREATHE....

Steve collapses on the ground and is lifeless.

Amanda kneels down and tries to revive Steve.

Amanda: STEVE!!!!!

Steve does not respond.

Tow Truck Operator: Ummm... this may be a bad time... but nobody actually paid me yet.