Chapter 94 --> Finding Myself

[Clarence]

Dougette is in her office dressed all business like playing with dominoes when the phone rings. Dougette answers and holds a cue card.

Dougette: Hello, this is the Steroids Man amazing super hero residence......?

...

Dougette: You're calling on behalf of Unicef? How ya doin?

...

Dougette: Oh... you want some money... I see... I thought you called just to be my friend... but I see how it goes...

...

Dougette: Ok, fine. I'll give you 12 dollars.

...

Dougette: Hey now, that's a big number, don't be greedy!

...

Dougette: So what if we're rich? That doesn't mean we have to give you a crap load of money!

...

Dougette: You know what little man, you're being greedy. We're offering you 12 dollars, that's better then nuttin.

...

Dougette: No, YOU don't care about children. If you cared about children you would accept the 12 dollars and not risk losing it ALL.

...

Dougette: You know what? Go blow it out your bottom!!!

Dougette hangs up the phone angrily and rips it out of the phone jack and stuffs it in his office drawer and locks it.

Steroids Man comes in.

Dougette: Hey what's up P-Diddy?

Steroids Man: I need to shave but threw all my shaving equipment at stray cats in a fit of violence.

Dougette: *sigh* You're lucky I'm always here to help you out of a jam.

Dougette opens another desk drawer and rummages through it and retrieves a hammer and hands it to Steroids Man.

Dougette: Here, hit yourself in the face with this.

Steroids Man: ...what?

Dougette: It's a pretty fun way to shave, just hit yourself in the face with this hammer until your stubble falls off. When I was a man I did it all the time.

Steroids Man (happily) : Ok then.

Steroids Man begins hitting himself in the face with the hammer making loud clanging noises when the hammer contacts his face bones until he falls down on his knees in pain. His face is all swollen up and bruised and he looks up at Dougette.

Steroids Man (With bloody teeth flying out of his mouth and mumbling): How do I look?

Dougette: Very professional!

Steroids Man stands up and cheers.

Steroids Man (Very mumbly and blood pouring out his mouth): I'm going to hit the town!

Steroids Man begins to walk out of the office and then collapses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Steroids Man and Amanda are on the couch having breakfast. Amanda is in her police uniform as she heads back to work today after her month long sabbatical.

Steroids Man: Thanks for these egg omelet things they are great!

Amanda: No problem baby!

Phil comes in wearing a business suit and an apron and a feather duster and begins dusting things in the living room.

Phil: This is so humiliating...

Steroids Man finishes drinking a large glass of chocolate milk.

Steroids Man: Hey Phil, this glass is dirty!

Steroids Man whips the glass at Phil's head and it shatters and Phil holds his head in pain.

Steroids Man laughs hysterically and Amanda chuckles.

Phil: You can't be throwing glasses at me!

Steroids Man: You're such a self centered baby.

Dougette enters the room with a man dressed up as a clown. She has her arm wrapped around his.

Steroids Man: Why is there a clown here?

Dougette: There's something I've been keeping from you guys... but it's time to come out of the closet.

Amanda: huh?

Dougette: I'm a clownmosexual.

Dougette and the clown begin to violently make out when Amanda stands up.

Amanda: Well that's my sign to get the hell out of here. Off to work I go!

Steroids Man and Amanda bid farewell and she drives her police car off to work.

Steroids Man (to Dougette): Please don't bring clowns in here... clowns creep me out.

Dougette: I can't help it, I've got a scratch that only a clown can scratch, right Bleedy?

Bleedy (The clown): Yes master.

Suddenly the robot enters the room.

robot: GOOD MORNING FELLOW HUMANS.

Everyone gives him a very unenthusiastic hello.

robot: I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU ALL!

Suddenly a second robot comes out.

Robot: I MANAGED TO BUILD AN EXACT REPLICA OF MYSELF.

Robot 2 (Extra loud): HOW IS EVERYONE ON THIS CALM AND PEACEFUL MORNING????

Steroids Man puts his coat on.

Steroids Man: Well I guess that's my sign to leave, so long jerk faces.

Steroids Man leaves.

Dougette (To robot): No... there can't be two of you... that's far too annoying.

Robot (pointing to clown): IF YOU GET A smurf BUDDY, THEN I SHOULD GET A smurf BUDDY!

Dougette: You mean you're going to.... this is odd....

Phil looks around at the man who is now a woman that stole his job, the weird creepy clown and the two loud and annoying robots, also that he's wearing an apron and holding a feather duster with blood dripping down his head.

Phil: ....what happened to my life?

~~~~~~~~

We hear sirens in the distance and at the bank Bert and Ernie run to their get-away car holding large bags of cash and guns and drive like mad as a police car chases them.

The chases runs through the city and it gets CRAZY and the robbers manage to keep avoiding police officers or running them off the road.

Amanda is at her desk overhearing this on the police scanner.

Scanner - They're heading down towards the police station!

Amanda jumps out the window and into her car lickety-split and as the robbers pass by she chases them with her sirens blaring.

Bert (driving): Damn it honey... why did you tell me to go this way, BY a police station!

Ernie: Sorry baby!

Amanda chases them out of the city and in far off back roads.

Amanda: Damn these guys are good, but they're going down today!

Amanda is very familiar with this area and skips down a back street.

Ernie: I think we lost her!

Suddenly Amanda appears in front of them and t-bones them into the woods and goes to make the arrest with her gun aimed.

Amanda: GET OUT OF THE CAR!

Amanda: Bert and Ernie exit the vehicle with their hands in the air and Amanda cuffs them.

~~~

Back at the police station everyone cheers.

Officer Jan: I can't believe you caught the infamous Sesame Street bank robbers!

Officer Rufus: They have been on the run FOREVER!

Amanda: Did you get those stupid costumes off them yet?

Jan: Yes, they're in the cell and ready for you.

Amanda: Good. So far this has been quite the fun day back!

Amanda goes to the cell holding the bank robbers. An older man and woman. They are out of costume and wearing very skimpy clothes (It's hot in that costume)

Amanda: You have quite the reputation, don't you? Now I have a lot of questions to ask....

They look up and Amanda notices something.

Amanda: What... what is that?

Amanda sees a strange mark on the woman's exposed cleavage.

Amanda: That birthmark... it looks just like mine.

The robbers look at each other confused.

Amanda looks them over and notices a disturbing family resemblance.

Amanda: Have you.... ever had any children?

The female robber suddenly looks visibly upset.

Amanda: ...have you???

The woman starts sobbing and the man looks away.

Amanda: ANSWER ME!

Male robber: What does this have to do with us robbing banks?

Amanda: Have you ever abandoned a baby girl in a soccer field?

The woman screams in shock and sits back further in her seat and the man stands up and takes a few steps back.

Officer Jan over hears Amanda's bizarre questions and comes over.

Jan (To Amanda): Is everything OK?

Amanda (To robbers): Are you my parents?

Jan (To Amanda): Maybe you came back to work too soon....

The female robber is in tears and the man is choked up too.

Man: We're not answering any questions.

Amanda (To Jan): I want to do blood tests.

Jan: I'm starting to wonder if you....

Amanda: DO IT!

~~~~

Steroids Man is sitting on the couch playing video games when Amanda comes home and hangs up her police jacket and hat on the hook.

Steroids Man: Hey baby! How was your day?

Amanda: Terrible....

Amanda sits down next to Steroids Man.

Steroids Man: One sec.

Steroids Man presses a few more buttons on his controller then puts it down and looks at Amanda.

Steroids Man: What's wrong?

Amanda: I found my parents...

Steroids Man: What?

Suddenly a vacuum comes on and we look over to see Phil vacuuming the living room unaware of Steroids Man's and Amanda's conversation.

Steroids Man: PHIL! TURN OFF THAT smurf VACCUUM!

Amanda: GET THE smurf OUT OF HERE!!

Phil turns off the vacuum.

Phil: Sorry guys... just trying to fit into my new job... and you know... clean.

Amanda: Clean somewhere else!

Phil begins to wrap the lengthy vacuum cord around the vacuum.

Steroids Man: *sigh* Can you PLEASE move faster?

Phil finishes wrapping the cord up and begins to walk out of the room.

Amanda: MOVE IT!!!

Steroids Man: So... what happened?

Phil comes back in.

Phil: I forgot my extension cor.....

Steroids Man gets up and walks fast towards Phil who runs away and then Steroids Man sits back with Amanda.

Amanda: I met my parents...

Steroids Man: Wow, that's amazing! I'm so happy for you!

Amanda: They abandoned me....

Steroids Man: So did mine... I wish I knew MY family....

Amanda: I know... but right now I want to talk about my situation.

Steroids Man: Ok.

Amanda: They're terrible people... hardcore criminals.... they didn't want me... they're evil.

Steroids Man: That crazy sucks.

Amanda: ... is that... can you try a little harder to console me?

Steroids Man: Sorry baby, just this makes me wonder who my family is.

Amanda: We both have the same situation ok?

Steroids Man: Not really because... you just found your family.. I want to find mine.

Amanda: Ok, well we can focus on that later, right now I really want to talk about my situation, as I just found out my family never wanted me!

Steroids Man: Do you think... mine wanted me?

Amanda: You're such an bottom!

Amanda gets pissed and kicks the TV over and it breaks and she storms out of the room.

Steroids Man sits back very sad.

Steroids Man (Yelling): PHIL!! TV!!!

Phil gets a TV out of the TV room (for when Steroids Man destroys the TV) and begins to install it.

Phil: I'm starting to see why we paid Doug so much for this job... these TV's are heavy.

Steroids Man: Yeah...

Phil: So how did you destroy this one? Another classic roid rage?

Steroids Man: Amanda did it.

Phil stands up.

Phil: What....

Steroids Man: She found her parents... and I guess they suck really badly.

Phil: Did you comfort her?

Steroids Man: No... I started talking about my problems.

Phil: Wow.... you should go try again.

Steroids Man: You're right.

Steroids Man gets up and kicks the new TV over and it busts, he then goes upstairs to find Amanda.

Phil: *sigh*

The robots come in bickering.

Robot: HOW COME YOU NEVER HAVE tickle fight WITH ME ANYMORE?

Robot2: I TOLD YOU, I'M TIRED OF YOU!!

Robot: COME ON BABY, I STILL HAVE THE MOVES.

Robot2: YOU'RE TIRED AND WORN OUT, I'M GOING TO BUILD A BETTER ROBOT TO....

Phil: Guys stop.... come on.

The original robot storms out of the room.

Phil (To robot2): You guys are having some serious problems huh?

Robot2: YOU DON'T KNOW THE 50% OF IT!

~~~~

Steroids Man goes into Amanda's room to find her face down in bed crying.

Steroids Man sits down and rubs her back and unhooks her bra.

Amanda: What the smurf??

Steroids Man: Sorry... I get really horny when I'm upset.

Amanda: YOU'RE upset???

Steroids Man: Yeah... your whole situation is just REALLY reminding me that I have no parents and how alone I am.

Amanda just looks at him speechless.

Steroids Man: Right right, we're here to talk about you. Let's go.

Amanda: You don't care!

Steroids Man: Yes I do... wait... I got it!

Amanda: What...

Steroids Man: I need to find my family too so I can pay attention to you! I should start by going into the woods and going on a soul quest. Then I can find myself.

Steroids Man looks over to see that Amanda is pushing him out of the room.

Amanda: Ok have fun, buy.

Amanda shuts the door and we hear locking noises.

Steroids Man: yeah... that takes me back.

~~~~~~~ The next day ~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man is loading his jeep up with goods.

Steroids Man (To Dougette): Should I bring guns?

Dougette: I don't think so.

Steroids Man: But there's bears out there.

Dougette: No, not this time of year.

Steroids Man: Really? Seems like they would just be waking up from their sleepy thing.

Dougette: No you're fine.

Steroids Man: Ok, I'll leave the guns home.

Dougette: Here, take these.

Steroids Man: Pepperoni sticks?

Dougette: Yeah, stuff meat in your pockets and all over your body so you can grab a quick snack when you're hungry.

Steroids Man: Good plan!

Steroids Man drives off for the deep forest while Dougette and Bleedy the clown wave.

Suddenly they look over as something strange.

Dougette: 4 robots???

There are 4 robots in pairs facing off at each other. Robot and robot3 and robot2 and robot4.

Robot: I HAVE MADE A FAR BETTER ROBOT THAN YOU!

Robot2: No, I MADE THE BETTER ROBOT!

Robot: HE PLEASURES ME IN WAYS YOU NEVER COULD!

Robot2: YEAH? WELL MY ROBOT DOESN'T CRY IN BED AS MUCH AS YOU!

Dougette: Guys.... this has to stop. As the new manager I have to step and....

Dougette gets distracted as Bleedy the clown starts to rub his face on her shoulder.

Dougette: Not now Bleedy!

Robot2: THE MAN/WOMAN CREEPY THING IS RIGHT, THIS HAS TO END!

Robot: INDEED IT DOES..... AND THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO SETTLE THIS.

Robot2: ROBOT DUEL!!!

Robot: WITH EACH OF OUR TEAMS OF TWO WE SHALL BUILD MORE ROBOTS AND ENGAGE IN THE ROBOT FIGHT OF THE CENTURY!

The robot and robot3 leave together as the robot2 and robot4 leave together.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man is deep into the wild forest trying to find himself.

Steroids Man (Yelling while walking): Mom??? DAD??? WHERE ARE YOU!

Steroids Man finds a small rock and overturns it.

Steroids Man: Mom?

Steroids Man continues to walk around sad and depressed.

Steroids Man: Oh... I'll never figure out who I am.

Suddenly a wild bear comes over and stands on his hind legs and growls posed for attack.

Steroids Man: Grandpa?

The bear mauls Steroids Man trying to get at the meat in his pockets hungry from hibernation and Steroids Man wrestles it to the ground and gets it in a UFC arm bar.

Steroids Man: TAP!!! TAP!!!!

The bear moans in pain.

Steroids Man: TAP OR I SNAP!!!

~~~

Steroids Man has a camp set up and a fire ready to cook some food.

Steroids Man: I can't wait to eat!

Steroids Man drops the huge 500 pound grizzly bear on top of the fire and it goes out.

Steroids Man: Damn it!!! Why does everything I do go so wrong? I have such a beautiful mind!

Steroids Man goes to bed hungry and crying.

~~~

Late at night Amanda talks to Phil.

Amanda: Oh... I'm worried about Steroids Man.... it's like 1 AM and he hasn't come home.

Phil: Do you know where he went?

Amanda: Well... he was going to go on a self journey through the woods... but I thought for sure he would be bored and come back by now.

Phil: You let Steroids Man go in the woods alone?

Amanda: Well...

Phil: Amanda, I seen this man get lost in the meat department at the grocery store. I literally had to go down there and rescue him.

Amanda: Oh no....

~~~

Steroids Man is getting cold at night lying on the ground next to a dead bear.

Steroids Man: Mom... Dad... why have you forsaken me?

Suddenly The Manager appears.

The Manager: Might I ask what in the smurf you're doing?

Steroids Man: I'm trying to find myself you jackass!

The Manager: Look there you are. Now go home.

Steroids Man: I'm not going home until I find out who my parents are and why they abandoned me!

The Manager: Would it help if I told you about your parents?

Steroids Man: You know my parents?

The Manager: Yes... I used to have tea and crumpets with them all the time.

Steroids Man sits up like a happy child.

Steroids Man: Really? What were there names?

The Manager: Steve ... and Stephanie....

Steroids Man: What were their last name?

The Manager: ..... Stephens.

Steroids Man: But how did you know them?

The Manager: I don't know... I was their banker.

Steroids Man gives The Manager a dirty look.

Steroids Man: You're smurf with me, aren't you?

The Manager: Obviously.

Steroids Man: Damn it, who are my parents for real?

The Manager: How am I suppose to know?

Steroids Man: Use your Sith lord powers and find out!

The Manager: I can't travel through time and magically find your answer.

Steroids Man looks sad.

The Manager: Just deal with it and come help me build my machine!

Steroids Man: No... I'm going to stay right here until my parents show up!

The Manager: Fine then, you'll get bored soon enough and help me. Or your wedding will never happen.

The Manager disappears.

~~~

Dougette goes outside with her boyfriend, Bleedy the clown to see something INSANE.

Dougette: I see something INSANE!!

Bleedy the clown is groping Dougette violently.

Dougette: Not now Bleedy!

There are 16 robots all fighting in front of the steroids mansion lawn... motor oil everywhere.

Dougette: Stop it! Stop it all at once!

Robot9: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE ROBOT!!!

Suddenly one of the robots rip a large piece of metal off the other robot and it lands in the clown and blood begins to squirt out at a tremendous rate.

Dougette: NOOOOO!!!! He's a hemophiliac!

Dougette holds the dying clown in his arms and embraces him while she gets covered in blood and while robots kill each other in the background.

Dougette: Don't you die on me!

Bleedy the clown weekly raises a finger up to indicate "wait a minute" and then gets a balloon and signs for her to blow it up. Dougette blows up the balloon while crying.

Bleedy takes the balloon and shapes it into a heart.

Dougette: I will cherish this forever!

Dougette takes the balloon heart and the clown dies in her arms and the balloon bursts.

~~

Phil is tossing broken TV's into a dumpster when Dougette approaches crying while combing her hair in a hand held mirror.

Dougette: Phil! You got to help me!

Phil: What?

Dougette: There is a horrible horrible and weird thing going on outside.

Phil: Well you should probably do something, huh?

Dougette: I need YOU to fix it!

Phil: But I'm just the janitor.

Dougette: Cut the crap and help me!

Phil: You wanted the Manager Job, so do your job.

Dougette: Fine.

~

Dougette goes back to the robot warzone and sprays them with a spray bottle normally used for the cats.

Dougette: While I'm out of ideas.

Dougette watches as the robots destroy each other... after a bit only one robot survives and emerges from a pile of wreckage.

Robot: IT IS OVER.... I AM VICTORIUS!

Dougette: Are you the original robot?

Robot: NO... I AM THE TWELVTH ROBOT!

Dougette: Whatever..... man what a mess you guys made.....

Dougette has a big smile on his face as he sees robot parts and destruction all over the place.

~~

Phil is sitting down having a break when Dougette comes in.

Dougette: Come here, I need you.

Phil: I'm not helping you with the robot situation.

Dougette: Oh that's taken care of, but come here.

They go outside and Phil sees the mass devastation.

Dougette: Here, clean this.

Dougette hands Phil a really bad push broom with most of the bristles missing.

Phil: But...

Dougette: You wanted the job, so do the job.

Dougette leaves happily.

Phil: I never wanted this job!!!

~~~~

Steroids Man is in the woods... still trying to figure out how to cook the bear... he's beating it with a flaming stick and when the flame goes out he gives up.

Steroids Man: I'm going to die out here....

Amanda (In the distance): Steroids Man?

Steroids Man: Amanda?

Amanda: Steroids Man, I found you!

Steroids Man and Amanda hug and kiss passionately.

Steroids Man: Are you still mad at me?

Amanda: I'm just glad you're alive!

Steroids Man: How did you find me?

Amanda: Phil tracked your cell phone.

Steroids Man: Hey, I'm sorry I was so selfish.... I guess I was jealous or something because you met your parents and I didn't met mine.. I don't know...

Amanda: It's ok.... I rather wish I didn't meet my parents. I talked to them and they want nothing to do with me, but they will be serving a LENGTHY term in jail.

Steroids Man: Let's go home. And we'll do whatever you want to do or whatever will make you feel better!

~~~

Steroids Man and Amanda head home to see Phil cleaning up a lot of metal.

Amanda: What the....

We now see Dougette removing the wallet from the dead clown and rummaging through it. Steroids Man and Amanda look at him blankly.

Dougette: What? He owes me 20 bucks!

~~~~~


~~~~~~

Steroids Man is at the secret warehouse. It's all black and with mirrors where the windows should be facing in and strange red lighting illuminating the room.

In the center of the room is a large metal structure. It's in the shape of a upright circle that you can walk through. It's very solid and very high tech. This is the portal machine that will be used for The Manager's return.

Also in the room is another strange cylinder like structure that glows.

The Manager: Good.... VERY good.

Steroids Man: So... are we done?

The Manager: We're very close. VERY close.

Steroids Man: So what now?

The Manager: You need to rejoin the council of heroes.

Steroids Man: Oh yeah, I haven't heard from those guys in a while.

The Manager: You need to get back with them for the next part of my plan.

Steroids Man: Oh... wait.... am I going to have to steal Ultra Man's magical ring again?

The Manager: Yes. It's a unique power source perfect to operate my zombie resurrection machine.

Steroids Man: What was that?

The Manager: Nothing.

Steroids Man: Did you say Zomb...

The Manager: Nope.

~~~