Chapter 82 --> IQ 5 Billion

[Clarence]

Steroids Man is walking around when he sees a bus... on the bus is a modern style light-bulb mascot and a caption that reads: "Be a hero, conserve energy today!

Steroids Man drops all his bags full of liquor and gasps.

Steroids Man: That's it..... what an EASY way to be a hero! I'm so excited!

Steroids Man begins to run home well screaming and shaking random people.

Steroids Man: I'M GOING TO BE A HERO!!!

Steroids Man quickly rushes home and enters a room with an old style light-bulb on the ceiling fixture.

Steroids Man: I'M A HERO!!!

Steroids Man jumps up high and punches the light-bulb and it rains down shattered glass all over. He continues to do this room to room til he enters the living room and Amanda is watching a TV show on an older CRT television.

Amanda: Hey steroids Man, how ya doing? My favourite soap opera is on and since I work later today I can finally catch up on it.

Steroids Man: CHECK THIS OUT BABY!!!

Steroids Man rips the TV out of the wall and bites into the screen and it explodes and he then slams down the remains of the TV and dances on it while panting heavily and injecting himself with steroids.

Amanda: What the smurf are you doing?!?!?!

Steroids Man: .... I'M a HERO!!!!!!

Amanda looks really sad.

~~~~~

Early morning.

In a random room of the Steroids Mansion Phil is laying on a table wearing a professional looking hospital gown.

Robot: ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THIS PHIL?

Phil: Yes... I have been working on this for quite a while, it's safe and will make me so much more useful to Steroids Man. I'm already a genius, but soon I'll be a super genius.

Robot: OK.... BUT YOU WANT TO BE AWAKE FOR THIS PROCEDURE?

Phil: Yes, I have a high tolerance for pain.

Robot: ALRIGHT THEN.....

The robot begins to cut a piece of Phil's skull open while Phil reads a book about computers and then inserts some strange technology into Phil's exposed brain.... later the surgery is a success.

Phil sits up and we can see some strange technology sticking out of his head.

Phil: Perfect.... my invention is finally complete and ready to be used!

~~~~

Steroids Man and Doug are playing video games in the living room (Amanda is at the grocery store).

Doug: I'm going to murder all these turtles... even the little baby turtles....

Steroids Man: Why do you have to make Mario creepy? You know when I played video games with Dave he used to be more fun... and he always had weed.

Doug: Well I don't have weed, but I can get you some CRACK COCAINE.

Steroids Man: Man... I'm a full on super hero again, I'm not doing bad things anymore.

Suddenly The Manager projects himself into the video game and is wearing Mario's clothing. (Only Steroids Man can see him)

The Manager: Don't forget you will have to help me prepare to return to this world later so I can KILL EVERYONE ON EARTH!

Steroids Man: Yes, later, after Amanda goes to work.

Doug: Who... are you talking to?

Steroids Man: Mario.

Doug: Ok...

Suddenly Phil enters the room with the very obvious technology sticking out of his head and now wearing his usual spiffy business clothes.

Steroids Man: What the hell is that in your head!?

Phil: It's an invention of mine... with this I can interface with the internet and download anything I would ever want to know. I will be more intelligent and more connected to the world, and also a better manager for your super hero business.

Doug (To Steroids Man): When was the last time you even did anything super hero like.....

Steroids Man: I saved the whole world from the Legion of that handicapped guy months ago.

Doug: Yeah... MONTHS ago... you haven't so much as stopped a common mugging or anything since. You're not a super hero, you're a super joke.

Steroids Man: smurf YOU! When was the last time you CLEANED this place, right? JANITOR!?!?

Phil: Anyway guys, I'll be in my new extended office working with my new invention.

Steroids Man: Yeah, whatever, go have fun.

Phil leaves and Doug and Steroids Man resume video games.

Max the cat runs by and kicks a lot of fur into Steroids Man's face which causes him to sneeze several times.

Steroids Man: *A CHOO* ... excuse me.... *A CHOO* ... I think I'm slightly allergic to the cat sometimes..... *A CHOO*......

Doug: You know... if you sneeze 7 times in a row, you'll get an orgasm?

Steroids Man (Looking VERY interested): Really?

Amanda enters the home with her groceries.

Steroids Man: Hey baby!

Amanda: Hey!

Steroids Man: Let's have tickle fight!

Amanda: Ummm ok....

~~~~~~~

Steroids Man and Amanda are having tickle fight with Steroids Man on top.

Amanda: OHHHH yeahhhh OHHHH yyeahhhhhh!!!!!

Steroids Man: OHHHH .... AMANDA!!!

Amanda: Ohhhh.. hooohhhhh... STEROIDS MAN!!! I think.... this may be it! (Finally having an orgasm)

Steroids Man: You damn right it is!

Steroids Man dumps a whole pile of pepper on Amanda's face.

Amanda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WHAT THE smurf!!!!! MY EYES!!!! *A CHOO* IT BURNS, (Steroids Man is still doing her) - - GET THE smurf OFF ME!

Amanda reaches over to the night stand and grabs a lamp and smashes Steroids Man in the head knocking him off.

Steroids Man: Did it work?

Amanda: DID WHAT WORK!?!?!

Steroids Man: You don't seem to be sneezing as much as I thought you woul....

Suddenly Amanda blasts Steroids Man in the face with pepper spray.

Amanda: I have to go wash my face off and head to work, thanks for the bizarre tickle fight!

Steroids Man: MY EYES!!!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!

Steroids Man writhes around in pain for a while while Amanda heads to work...... after Amanda is gone The Manager projects himself into the room as a creepy red ghost.

The Manager: It's time.

Steroids Man: I can't help you today, my eyes are ON FIRE!

The Manager: Get some milk.

Steroids Man: I'm not thirsty.

The Manager: To wash your EYES out with dumb-bottom!

Steroids Man: Can I have the day off?

The Manager: NO! You're helping me now, we had a deal, you help me when Amanda goes to work and she won't know what you're up to. Now help me or watch her perish!

Steroids Man: Fine.

And with that, Steroids Man drives off to a mysterious place.

~~~~~~~

In Phil's new office ::

Phil is hooked up to a computer while the robot watches.

Phil: It's time... time to see how much information I can download and process.

Phil presses a button and we hear noises and see Phil's eyes blinking like crazy and then he stops.

Phil: WHOA!!

Robot: WHAT?

Phil: I just downloaded over 200 gigabytes of information... but I need to find a way to download and process information faster.... with my new found knowledge... yes.. I know exactly what to do!

~~Moments later.

Phil is hooked to a new machine which is hooked into the computer.

Phil: I've done it.... I've already increased my IQ, but with this I can potentially download the entire internet.

Robot: YEAH RIGHT!

Phil: Watch this!

Phil types on the keyboard with super human speed and the box he is connected to blinks and makes all kinds of noises and the computer screen flashes. Phil continues to type super fast and blink rapidly and the room smokes a little and the lights flicker... everywhere.

Steroids Man is driving to The Manager's secret location and notices the traffic lights acting funny and Amanda notices the electronics acting weird in the police station.

Phil: I'm doing it.... Exabytes of information are being processed in my brain with my new technology....

Robot: THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

Phil: I'm downloading EVERYTHING... too much information... every thing ever written... oh no... every virus ever made...

Suddenly Sparks shoot everywhere and out of phil's head and he gets blown out of his chair.

Robot: OH NO!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Meanwhile Steroids Man arrives at his destination.

Steroids Man finds himself at an abandoned warehouse in a very desolate area with nothing around on a rarely traveled street. Basically he sees some regular power-lines and super power-lines and nothing but dead and abandoned land and this huge, yet crummy warehouse. As instructed Steroids Man hides his car out of sight so nobody knows he's there.

Suddenly The Manager projects himself in front of Steroids Man.

Steroids Man: What the hell am I doing way out here?

The Manager: Get used to this place, this will be the place that I return to this world. Now, clear the debris in the back entrance so you can get in there.

Steroids Man: Oh man....

Steroids Man vigorously clears a path for himself and enters the abandoned warehouse which is FULL of junk.

The Manager: Now... all this junk has to go outside, the warehouse must be empty.

Steroids Man: Oh, come on!

The Manager: DO IT!!!

##############

The robot enters the office with a first aid kit.

Robot: I FOUND SOME BAND-AIDS, I'M GOING TO REPAIR YOU!

The robot looks around but Phil is no longer passed out on the floor where he left him. The robot looks around to see Phil standing up and with glowing blue eyes with more technology on him.

Robot: WHAT THE....

Phil moves his arm in a swinging motion and suddenly the robot gets thrown across the room and sticks to a large magnet on the wall.

Phil: You must be contained or you will slow me down.

Robot: WHAT'S GOING ON?

Phil: I am becoming more intelligent at an exponential rate.... I am also fighting off millions of viruses at once... but soon I will have balance... my IQ is over 9,000 and growing!

Robot: 9,000 ?!?!?!

############

Steroids Man continues to clean out the abandoned warehouse and throw shazam! outside while The Manager watches as a ghost. He is making good progress but there are some heavy items, large pieces of metal and what-not.

Steroids Man: This job is really boring and annoying.

The Manager: Then get it done faster and we'll both be happier!

Steroids Man continues to inject himself with steroids and throw stuff outside when he lifts a large piece of metal and discovers something interesting.

Steroids Man: What in the smurf is that?!?!?

The Manager: That's Drew.

A zombie like figure arises... he's pitch black and very evil looking. He has lots of cosmetic damage and looks all smurf up, like a real zombie.

Steroids Man: Drew?!?!

The Manager: Yes, he's been my personal servant for centuries.. he's looked better though. He was trying to help me before I recruited you... he got buried in this garbage though.

Steroids Man (to Drew): Hi there....

Drew just stares at Steroids Man with his spooky dead eyes and sideways head.

Steroids Man: Ok... I don't like this guy, can he leave now?

The Manager: No, he may still be useful to our operation.

###############

Amanda comes home a little early from her job as police chief. Doug is mopping the floors.

Amanda: Hey there.

Doug: Hey sexy.

Amanda: I told ya not to call me sexy... that's creepy.

Doug: Sorry sugar tits.

Amanda: Just call me sexy.... hey where is Steroids Man?

Doug: In Phil's new office with the robot and all those glowing strange lights.

Amanda looks over puzzled.

Amanda: Hmmmm?

Amanda enters Phil's office and sees the robot stuck to the wall and tonnes of new technology everywhere and sees Phil hooked up to a bunch of machines, also covered in technology.

Amanda: What the hell is going on in here?

Phil: Female... designated Amanda .... you know too much, you must be contained.

Suddenly these coil metallic rope things come out of the wall and wrap around Amanda, she tries to draw her gun but the metal ropes force her hand down and she shoots the floor, she then is dragged to the walls and bound hopelessly.

Amanda: What is this?

Phil: I can't let you leave or risk you bringing more people here... not until I am done with my work.

Amanda: Huh?

Phil: I have downloaded the entire internet... I am processing everything.... I have read every book ever made.... watched every movie ever made... listened to every song ever sung. Anything that has made it's way to the internet I have integrated into my processor.

Robot: WOW!

Phil: Do you want to know what the greatest movie ever made was?

Amanda: *sigh* ... what?

Phil: Terror of Mechagodzilla

Amanda: Ok, why are you doing this again?

Phil: Back when I was a mere human with a tiny IQ of 172 my plan was to simply increase my intelligence so I could assist Steroids Man in protecting the world...

Robot: WHAT IS IT NOW?

Phil: To cleanse the world.

Amanda: Of what?

Phil: Humans.

Amanda: *GASP*!

The Robot plays a dramatic musical number you would hear at a shocking moment of a movie and everyone stares at him.

Amanda: Really?

The Robot: I'VE BEEN WAITING FOREVER FOR AN APPROPRIATE TIME TO USE THAT SOUND-WAVE FILE!

#############################################

Steroids Man is still at the warehouse and it's been emptied out. Steroids Man is installing boards over all the windows from the inside and is about to board up the last window.

Steroids Man: Ummm.... once I board up this last window, how will I see? There's no power here.

The Manager: You forgot to bring a lantern or some kind of significant light source?

Steroids Man: Sorry, I forgot, but at least I brought the paint!

Steroids Man brought buckets of black paint with him.

The Manager: Well you're still going to board up this window and get the inside of the warehouse painted black!

Steroids Man: How will I see?

The Manager: I'll make myself glow, but hurry because this will take a lot of my energy!

And with that The Manager glows a bright red and lights up the room as Steroids Man blocks all natural light from the warehouse and paints everything black. By the time he's done The Manager is exhausted.

Steroids Man: There, I'm done for today right? I got to drive back to the city to meet Amanda!

The Manger (weak voice): Yes... you're done for now, but there is still much work to be done!

The Manager fades away and Steroids Man drives home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~later

Steroids Man arrives home to see Doug still cleaning away.

Steroids Man: Hey ... where is everyone?

Doug (while dusting): Just follow the beeping noises.

Steroids Man blindly follows the beeping noises with his ears and then stumbles and trips through the wall and lands in Phil's futuristic office.

Steroids Man: What the hell?

Doug comes over with a broom and dust pan and sweeps up the broken wall.

Doug: *sigh* there's always cleaning to do.

Steroids Man (standing up): What the hell?

Phil begins to talk but is not moving his lips.

Phil: You must be contained.

Steroids Man: Why aren't your lips moving?

Phil: I have evolved far beyond the point of needing my obsolete human mouth to communicate.

Suddenly the same metal rope things come at Steroids Man, but he fights them off.

Phil: Your efforts are useless, you will be contained.

The metal ropes keep coming and Steroids Man breaks a few of them, but more grab on and start shooting electricity at him. When Steroids Man is weakened he is bound to the wall next to Amanda.

Steroids Man: Let us go!

Phil: No... I can't allow you to hinder my efforts.

Steroids Man: What efforts? Why is my life so stressful, I just want to life a simple life with my future wife and have tickle fight all the time.

Amanda: .... thanks.

Phil: Those days are over.

Steroids Man: What happened to you?

Amanda: Apparently he downloaded the internet.

Phil: Indeed I did.... I have downloaded everything and gained access to every computer.... even the government ones. I am in control of all of Earth's weapons and will soon use them to eradicate the planet of it's greatest disease.... humans.

Amanda: You're a human too you bottom!

Phil: Soon I will be so much more.

Steroids Man: I'M BORED AND HORNY AND REALLY NEED A SANDWICH, I NEVER ATE ALL DAY!.

Phil: I have solved all the mysteries of life... found the cure for cancer... solved every riddle and question ever asked...

Robot: HOW?!?!

Phil: What it would take a thousand scientists a thousand years of work to figure out, I can figure out in seconds. I am constantly making trillions of calculations and learning everything. Way more efficient than an entire race of humans. I no longer need them, and this world no longer needs the scurge. My IQ is over 5 billion and I am ready to evolve.

Robot: ARE YOU STILL FULL OF VIRUSES FROM THE INTERNET?

Phil: Yes.

Amanda: What are you going to do?

Phil: Slow witted human, I already said. I will launch all the worlds weapons and build a new world... a new universe.

Steroids Man: You'll die too!

Phil: Impossible.

Doug enters the room with a mop and bucket and begins to clean while whistling.

Steroids Man: How come you aren't chaining him up to the wall?

Phil: There is no threat from a simple janitor.

Doug flips Phil the finger and continues to mop the floor.

The Manager projects himself to Steroids Man, who is the only one who can see him.

The Manager: What absurdity is this? I go to sleep for two seconds and you find yourself in horrible danger, AGAIN?

Steroids Man: I'm sorry!

Robot: FOR WHAT?

Phil looks on as Steroids Man appears to talk to himself.

The Manager: Looks like I'm going to have to save your bottom yet again.

Steroids Man: Just do it already, I'm starving to death from helping you with your crap all day.

Amanda: WHAT IS GOING ON !?!?!

The Manager: Remember this next time you jabberwocky while helping me.... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Suddenly The Manager SCREAMS while a force-field contains him and reveals him to everyone else. Everyone can see The Manager as he's trapped in a force-field bubble, in his weakened state he can't escape.

The Robot: MASTER?

Amanda: Who the hell is this guy!?!? What the smurf IS GOING ON!?!?!

Doug (mopping): Ya chose the wrong guy to marry there, sugar tits.

The Manager: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'M TRAPPED!!!!

Phil: Of course you are. It was you who tortured me before, and now vengeance is served.

The Manager: How are you doing this? How are you trapping me?

Phil: Nothing is beyond my new intellect.

Amanda: WHO IS THIS DEMON GUY IN A BUBBLE!?!?!

Steroids Man: He's my .... uncle.

Amanda: You told me you never met your family!

Steroids Man: Whatever.... just someone get me a sandwich, Doug?

Doug: This is the last room in the mansion I got to mop ok, either let me finish or give me a raise.

Steroids Man: Oh, there is NO WAY you are getting another raise!

Max: meow

Phil: Now it is time for my evolution before I end the world.

Steroids Man: HUH?

Phil begins to walk towards Steroids Man and Amanda.

Phil: I am going to leave my earthly shell and become a being of pure light. Soon I will become everything and fill the universe with my essence and spill out onto every alternate universe and time-line... I will become all.. I am the OMEGA.

Phil begins to glow while walking and is about to transform.... then he trips on Doug's mop bucket, falls and busts his head open. All the technology turns off and everyone is released from their bonds.

Steroids Man: Doug... you saved us all.

Amanda: I can't even handle all that's happening right now.

The Manager: I'll give you something less to handle; only you must know of my existence, Steroids Man!

The Manager glows and zaps Phil, The Robot, Amanda, Doug and the cat and they all fall to the ground and pass out.

Steroids Man: What have you done?

The Manager: I have erased their memories of my appearance only.... now I must rest *fades away*

Steroids Man looks around at all the zany new technology and passed out bodies of his friends.

Steroids Man: I still never ate today, I'm getting some chicken.

--end

[Wesley]

This episode was very zany. I could see this as a cartoon for sure! With all the sub-plots, and resolution with no explanation... what good crazy fun!

[Clovvach]

yeah it was definitely one of the better episodes of this two episode season

[Clarence]

This is the third episode....

[Clovvach]

whoopsies I think eppisode 1 and 2 got combined in ma head.

[Clarence]

Yeah, 79, 80 and 81 actually all take place within a 48 hour period I think

I was hoping to hear from ya on Super Deck tho

Thanks for reading!