Chapter 143 --> Dave's Not Here, Man

[Clarence]

The gang (Steve, hyper Pregnant Amanda, Samantha, Weed Man and Max) find themselves at a fast moving river they found on their first morning on the mysterious planet they dubbed "Cokima".

Steve has lost his shirt in a morning fire he made and everyone has very torn up clothes without even spending a full day on this mysterious planet yet.

Steve is playing with his cell phone while holding it high in the air.

Amanda: ... baby?

Steve: I'm trying to get reception!

Amanda: But...

Steve: What did I tell you about ruining my desperate wishful thinking???

Weed Man: I'm so desperate for weed .... I can't believe I smoked my whole supply!

Weed Man looks down at a piece of driftwood near the raging river.

Weed Man: Hmmmmm...

Amanda: What are you doing??

Weed Man: Let's see if this gets me high!

Amanda: Don't smoke that, it's driftwood!!!! It's going to be dry as hell!!!!

Weed Man lights the driftwood and breaths in deep and holds it for a second while looking in agony.

Amanda: ... are you ok?

Weed Man exhales a lot of smoke and begins coughing his bottom off!

Weed Man: That SUCKED!!!

Amanda looks over at Steve while Weed Man gets it together.

Amanda: Oh no... what are you doing?

The shirtless Steve has now removed his pants and is tying his pant leg bottoms into knots.

Steve: I seen fish in that river! I'm going to catch some food!!

Steve kneels down and holds the top of his pants open in the fast moving water and after a minute a fish swims in and he pulls the pants out!

Steve takes out a fish and holds it tight and looks at it.

Steve: Look! Alien fish!

Steve examines the fish closely....

Steve: This is crazy ... this alien fish has little muscular arms .... how strange!

Suddenly the fish wriggles out of Steve's hands and punches him in the eye with his tiny arm and falls back into the river and escapes!

Steve: WHAT THE smurf WAS THAT!?!?!?

Amanda: Calm down baby....

Steve starts freaking out and kicking sand and rocks around and punching trees and yelling at the sky.

Steve (To the sky): WHAT IS THIS PLACE!!?!?! TELL ME!!!!! ANSWER ME NOW!!!!!

Samantha points at the water and everyone looks over to see Steve's pants floating away and disappear in the heavy stream.

Steve: COME ON!!!!! REALLY!!??!

Amanda (holding hand over eyes in embarrassment): Son of a jabberwocky, Steve... please don't lose your underwear next!

Steve: I'm not losing anything!!! This planet is stealing them from me!!!

Weed Man focuses on Max who's very enjoyably eating plant life close to the water.

Weed Man: GIVE ME THAT I WANT TO SMOKE IT!!!

Weed Man runs over and shoves Max out of the way and begins ripping random plant life out of the ground and smoking it by lighting it with his robot hand finger lighter.

Steve and Amanda look on very concerned while Amanda holds her belly.

Amanda: I know you want to explore this planet more baby ... but this baby is due any time now ... we need to find a place to stay for a while!

~~~

Later they all enter a cave that Steve spotted from the river and they all hold up in there as bad weather appears to be coming in.

Steve: Yup ... it's clouding over and the wind is picking up...

Amanda is lying on a bed of leaves and etc with Samantha by her side inside the cave. She is really worn out looking and way too pregnant. Meanwhile Max is outside of the cave and close by eating up all the plants around.

Amanda: OH ..... I shouldn't have walked so much or gotten into a space adventure when so pregnant!

Steve: I'll go gather up some food before this storm hits! Take care of her, ok Dave?

We look over at Weed Man who just is holding his head in his hands and his hair is a mess.

Steve: .... Dave?

Weed Man looks up and is crying.

Weed Man: This planet sucks.... I hate it just as I hate all life....

Steve: Ummmmmmm

Steve kneels down and whispers to Amanda.

Steve (whispering): Are you going to be ok with Dave while I get food real quick ...

Amanda (whispering): Yes.

Steve (whispering): I'm worried he might go weird ... like the last time he was off weed .... (Episode 128 - The Real Dave)

Amanda: (whispering): Me too .... but I'm too worn out and about to burst so get food ... and Dave is in no condition to do it ... you're the only one who can get us food so we don't starve to death tonight.

Steve: (whispering): Ok ... but if Dave gets weird you stab him with this unicorn horn from last night's meal and yell for me, ok?

Weed Man: I can hear you guys, you know that right?

Steve and Amanda look at Weed Man very surprised.

Weed Man: Yeah ... I have super soldier hearing. Part of my super soldier powers.

Steve: You never mentioned that before!

Weed Man: You never asked!

Awkward moment....

Steve: Ummmmm....

Weed Man: Just go get some food, I'm not going to go crazy without weed!

Steve: Ok, I'll be RIGHT back!

Steve goes out into the woods and uses the Mighty Man Ring to get extra strength for hunting.

Weed Man begins to remove his costume.

Amanda: What are you doing?

Weed Man takes his costume completely off and is now only wearing boxers with a little weed leaf pattern. As Weed Man has removed his costume, he will be captioned as Dave going forward.

Dave: I made this costume while smoking lots of weed ... and it has the essence of all the weed I have ever smoked....

Dave begins to tear a strip off the costume and roll it tight and smoke it.

Amanda looks on concerned.

Amanda: .... how's that working for you?

Dave: If I smoke my whole costume I might get a tiny buzz......

Amanda: ...are you seriously going to .... smoke your entire Weed Man costume just for the slight chance of getting a very tiny buzz???

Dave (coughing): Hells yeah!

Amanda (thinking): Please hurry Steve...

Outside Steve hunts in his underwear wearing the magical ring.

Steve: There's one!

Steve sneaks up on another delicious pink unicorn like alien. The unicorn alien turns around and looks very cute.

Steve: Oh gosh ... why does the only source of food around here have to be so adorable???

The Unicorn's eyes begin to glow as it transmits it's thoughts.

Unicorn (VERY cute voice): I liiiike you.....

Steve grabs the unicorn by the horn with one hand and begins punching it's face in with the other until it'd dead.

Steve then falls to his knees and cries but has to being home supper to his overly pregnant wife.

Steve later comes home with the dead unicorn to see Dave also in just his underwear.

Steve: Ummm ... what happened to your costume?

Dave: I smoked it!

Steve: O..... k.......

Dave: Yeah, and guess what? It didn't do shazam! for me!

Dave gets mad and punches a hole in the cave with his super strength.

Amanda and Steve look on shocked as Steve places the unicorn corpse inside the cave. Samantha hugs Amanda while Max continues to eat and eat.

Dave: .... sorry guys. I'm cool.

Steve: Anyway .... the clouds are getting darker and darker. I'll need to get firewood and stuff ..... and we will have to push further in the cave and cook supper by the entrance so the fire doesn't get rained on.....

Dave: Who made you the captain of all this?

Steve: .... what?

Dave: Nothing .... sorry ... carry on.

Steve: Are you SURE you're ok???

Dave: Yes... I haven't had weed since last night but I'm ok ... I just need to distract myself ... look ... I'll play with these rocks.

Dave picks up some rocks and accidentally crushes them.

Dave: smurf!!!

~~~

As the day progresses and gets more and more overcast and windy, Steve spends hours gathering firewood and things and comforting Amanda. By now almost all the THC has left Dave's system since he smoked his last joint last night.

Amanda (on her back): .... my water just broke....

Dave: I'm BORED!

Steve: You know, you really SUCK without weed! You know that right?

Dave stands up.

Dave: You guys suck! I'm remembering the part of my life now before weed and meeting you guys! I was destined to become a great lawyer! Now I'm stuck in a cave on a weird planet with you two boring jerks!

Steve: Please .... let's figure this out after I give birth to my second kid!

Dave: What about my kid? No kids for me because you smurf me over!

Dave begins to leave.

Steve: Where are you going??

Amanda: Don't leave!!! We need you!!

Dave (turning and looking back): What do you mean you need me?

Amanda: We need your lighter hand thing to start the fire so we can eat and stay warm tonight ....

Dave: You don't need ME! You just need my ability to make fire! I guess you guys are smurf huh?

Dave leaves and Steve and Amanda are stunned! Steve looks down at his wife who's about to give birth and holds her hand.

Steve: ... I need to go get him .... we need to be able to make a fire tonight....

Amanda (crying): ... I know....

Steve: Hold the baby until I get back, ok?

Amanda: How do I do that???

Steve: Just pretend you're holding a really big shazam!!

Amanda: Wha....

Steve interrupts her with a kiss and runs off after Dave as a concerned Samantha and Max stay by her Amanda's side.

Amanda: Oh ... hurry Steve! This baby isn't waiting around!!!!

~~~

Steve chases Dave into the woods and into the storm! High winds and heavy rain and thunder cracks and lightening bolts!

The two brothers meet ... still wearing only their underwear....

Dave: Get away from me!

Steve: Please ... let's talk about this.

Dave: No! I'm not the high Dave that you like, I'm the real lawyer Dave who is a major balloon knot! I hate EVERYTHING! I hate what my life has become thanks to you! I should be on Earth helping sue people!!

Steve: Come on buddy ... brother...

Dave: I'm none of those things! I'm just the guy who makes the fire up on this planet and that's it!

Dave puts his real hand over his robot hand.

Dave: Let's see if you still bother with me when I destroy this hand!

Steve: NOO!!!!! You wouldn't!!! You wouldn't be able to make fire and you would die too!!!!

Dave: Aha! You do just want my fire!!!!!

In the distance Steve can hear Amanda screaming in labor.

Steve: Ok, shitty situation! Right now with my wife giving birth I do have to make sure you don't get away with the lighter hand so we can cook food and keep warm! You have me over a barrel here!!!

Dave: You'll have to fight me for it!

Steve: What.....

Dave: Come on tough guy! My super soldier strength versus your magical ring!

Steve: I don't want to fight you.

Dave: Fight or starve without fire!

Steve: Son of a B....

Steve puts on his magical ring and makes a fist that he promises to himself he won't open so as not to lose the easy to lose ring and runs at Dave!

Dave: Yes! Now things are getting INTERESTING!!!

They begin to trade blows as the storm rages on all around them! They appear to be evenly matched with Dave's super soldier powers and Steve's Mighty Man ring powers!

Punch! Thunder crack! Kick! Punch! Thunder crack! Jab! Drop kick! Lightening bolt! Power bomb! Back kick! Stone Cold Stunner! CHOKE SLAM!!! People's elbow! Poke to the eye!

Steve: Son of a jabberwocky that's cheap!

Dave: The only thing here that's cheap, is how cheap your grave is going to be when I bury you!

Steve: .... wow that's lame. You need to work on your witty remarks....

Dave: Get choked!!!

Dave beginning to strangle Steve and Steve reaches out and strangles back!! They break off and then begin pushing on each other's shoulders in a stand-off.

Dave: AHHHHHHHHHH!!

Dave headbutts Steve and he gets rocked ... Steve comes back with a headbutt of his own and Dave gets rocked!

Bam! CRACK! POW!

Headbutt after headbutt after headbutt, back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until each of the brothers are dazed and confused with bloody heads in the heavy storm.

Dave looks seriously messed up and is covered in blood with bloody messed up hair and stumbles around looking very disoriented.

Steve: Now's my chance!

Steve does a spectacular running and leaping headbutt and comes crashing down on Dave who gets flattened HARD into the mud!

Steve looks down at his best friend and brother while breathing heavy.

Steve: Finally ... now to just take that robot hand...

Steve reaches down to remove Dave's lighter hand when Dave surprises Steve and grabs the ring!

Steve: What?!?

Steve gets weaker and Dave does an up kick from the ground sending Steve flying into a tree! Steve hurts his back on the tree and lands in a sitting position in the mud while Dave stands up!

Dave has an extra evil smile on his face as he slowly puts on the ring!

Steve: No!!!!

Dave puts on the ring and grows larger in size and looks very evil!

Dave: The power!!! I am unstoppable!!!

Steve looks at Dave who is overjoyed with his new power! Steve feels very defeated as he sits injured under a tree and in the mud ... still hearing his wife's labor screams in the distance.

Dave: This ends now!

Dave goes over to an ENORMOUS boulder and picks it up over his head! He begins to walk over to the beaten down Steve while carrying this large boulder over his head with an evil smile.

Dave: Let's see you get out of this!

As Dave gets really close and still holding the rock over his head, Steve pulls a unicorn horn out of his underwear and stabs Dave in the heart and rolls really far away!

Steve watches from a distance ... Dave still holds the large rock over his head and looks down as this sharp unicorn horn is stabbed deep into his heart ... his arms buckle ... the giant boulder falls on top of Dave and he gets FLATTENED! Just after Dave gets crushed, the boulder rolls off him revealing a bloody mess .... Dave also loses his magical ring and it rolls off towards Steve.

Steve puts the ring on to get his strength back as he's quite injured and walks over and looks sadly down at Dave.

Dave is sitting lifeless in a big crater that was created after crushing himself under a giant boulder. Steve looks closely and sees the robot lighter hand is still intact.

Steve: My poor brother ... bloody and crushed and stabbed in the heart with a unicorn horn ....

Steve is about to have a moment of silence but then remembers he needs to hurry back to Amanda!

Steve reaches down very carefully with his magical ring finger but then gets nervous and switches hands. He goes to grab at Dave's robot hand by using his ring-less finger...

Steve: Come on....

Steve tugs at Dave's robot hand trying to remove it -- SUDDENLY -- Dave grabs at Steve's non-ring hand tight with his real hand.

Dave: I'm not done yet!

Steve: Son of a jabberwocky! Why not?

Dave: Super solider powers, remem....

Before Dave can finish that sentence, Steve uses the hand that isn't being being gripped by Dave and grabs Dave's arm and swings him high in the air out of the crater and slams him down into the ground on another spot creating a new crater!

As Dave tries to get up Steve catches him from behind! Dave is now in a sitting position while Steve catches him in a head lock from behind!

Steve: STOP IT NOW!!!! GIVE ME THE FIRE STARTER!!!! PLEASE!!!! DON'T BE AN bottom!!!!

As Dave is getting choked out from behind, his arms are still free ... he grabs at his own robot hand and begins to crush it with his real hand.

Steve: STOP IT!!!!!

Steve begins to choke him out harder!

Dave: We're all going to die on this planet! I'm going to be sure of it!!!

We hear the robot hand begin to make creaking and breaking noises as Dave crushes it with his real hand ... the storm grows more violent and we still hear Amanda screaming in the distance... things are getting more desperate!!!

Steve: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Steve loses it and channels all the powers of the Mighty Man ring and .... rips Dave's head clean off killing him instantly!!!!

Steve jumps up and screams in misery as Dave's body collapses ...

Steve takes a second to focus back on the task at hand and removes Dave's robot hand and lights it to confirm it still works.

Steve: ....what have I done?

Back at the cave Amanda is covered in sweat and breathing heavily ... the baby is coming ... now!

She looks over to see Steve enter ... very upset and looking defeated.

Amanda: Baby .... what happened.... ?

Steve looks up sadly and holds up Dave's robot lighter hand.

Amanda looks very sad but then focuses on the baby.

Amanda: I know this is all terrible ... but this baby is coming, RIGHT NOW!!!

Steve: Don't worry baby, we'll figure this out!

Samantha and Max look scared.

Steve: Samantha, sweetie? Go and play with the kitty over there and don't watch this, ok?

Samantha turns around and hugs Max while Steve attempts to help his wife give birth to his second child.....

(horrible and traumatizing birth scene skipped)

Steve holds a baby in his arms as Amanda smiles a weak smile.

Steve: Look at it .....

Amanda: I know ....

Steve: ... it's a penis!

Amanda: ....

Steve: Finally .... a boy...

Amanda: ... we need to name him....

Steve looks sad and happy at the same time.

Steve: ..... David.

Amanda smiles.

Steve: We're naming it David.

As Steve's new larger family share in this happy yet sad moment .... we zoom out from the cave and the storm and the whole planet and to the stars in the sky .... some stars form the shape of Dave's head smoking a joint and he has a smile on which shines bright.

After the storm clears we show a large fire burning and the silhouette of Dave's corpse....

Steve and Amanda look on and give their last respects and disappear into the woods in the background to explore the rest of the planet.....

R.I.P Dave A.K.A Weed Man