Chapter 141 --> Space Brawl

[Clarence]

In space we see an alien ship zoom through the skies at lightspeed .... pan inside:

We show what appears to be an alien jail cell with energy bars keeping the prisoners inside.

Inside we see the frail Ultra Evil Man on the left wearing old clothes and hooked to an IV. He is sitting down and has his gun drawn at his cell mates: A drunk Steve, a very pregnant Amanda, baby Samantha, high Weed Man and a confused Max the cat.

Steve: Where the hell are we and what's going on!?!?!

Ultra Evil Man: We're on a space ship .... my people have come back for me!

Amanda: Your people?

Ultra Evil Man: Yes, didn't you notice they all wore similar rings to mine? They are my people .... I'm not from this planet ... my home planet was destroyed. When I was a kid I was sent to earth in a space craft designed for a midget ....

Steve: Yeah, I don't care. If you're one of those alien guys then why are you in this cell with us?

Ultra Evil Man: Because you screwed things up by stealing my ring and they didn't recognize me!!

Suddenly they all look over as a door outside the cell area lowers and Superb Man walks in with Omega Man who's holding a device.

Weed Man: Hey guys.

Superb Man: Hello .....

Omega Man: I'm ready to scan them.

Superb Man: Start with that guy.

Omega Man begins to scan Steve.

Omega Man: Ummmm .... how does this work now ...... let's see ..... yup, he's not one of us.

Superb Man: He's not? Hmmmm..... try the one in the green costume.

Ultra Evil Man: Come on!

Omega Man (After scanning Weed Man): No ... he's not of our kind either.

Superb Man looks at Ultra Evil Man disappointingly.

Superb Man: Ok ..... scan the skinny weak guy.

Omega Man scans the pathetic and unhealthy looking Ultra Evil Man and the machine beeps positively.

Omega Man: I don't believe it but ... yup ... he's one of us alright.

Superb Man: Wow ... who would have guessed. Alright let's get you out of there.

Superb Man presses a button on a wall panel outside of the cell and energy bars go away.

Ultra Evil Man walks outside as Steve, Amanda and Weed Man look on confused.

Superb Man: Here's your ring back.

Ultra Evil Man takes the his precious ring back and puts it on and immediately bulks up to his more traditional size and looks a lot better, despite he's still wearing poor looking clothes which are now too small.

Ultra Evil Man: Finally! I got my ring back! I've missed how it feels to have these awesome powers!

Ultra Evil Man rips his IV out.

Omega Man: Sooo.... what about these other Earthlings? Should we beam them back down or blow them out into space or what?

Ultra Evil Man looks at them with an evil smile and presses the button which causes the energy bars to return on the cell, trapping them again!

Ultra Evil Man: Let's just keep them ... these particular humans have been a great bother to me ... I will want to torture them!

Superb Man: Ok, whatever, but first off let's all go to the space meeting room ... now that the 5 of us are FINALLY united we have much to discuss.

Ultra Evil Man joins Superb Man and Omega Man and they leave the prison area leaving everyone else alone and trapped.

Steve: So does anyone know what's going on?

Amanda: I know that we got to figure out a way out of here!

Steve: And do what? Apparently we're in space ... in a space ship! We're in an episode of friggin Star Trek or something!

Amanda: Well let's try something! Maybe we can find an escape pod or something!

Weed Man: Oh man.. I saw Star Wars a few times ... I can totally get us out of this jam!

Amanda: Awesome!

Weed Man sits back and does nothing.

Weed Man: Just let me smoke this joint first.

~~~

At the space meeting room, Ultra Evil Man now reunited with his ring, joins the 4 other aliens of his kind all bearing magical rings:

~ Mighty Man ~ Large and dirty bulky man with a thick brow that looks kind of stupid in a brown costume.
~ Invincible Man ~ Well built man in black and silver suit but looks kind of sad.
~ Omega Man ~ Mysterious shadowy figure in red and black costume.
~ Superb Man ~ Tall, well groomed, confident looking, well built guy in a gold costume smoking space tobacco out of a pipe.

Ultra Evil Man is still wearing his very crappy and worn out Earth clothes.

Ultra Evil Man : So .... got any extra uniforms I can wear?

Invincible Man: No.

Superb Man: Anyway, today is a glorious day for us! The five of us are all finally united!

Omega Man (To Ultra Evil Man): But how come you didn't take over the Earth?

Ultra Evil Man: Huh?

Superb Man: Yes, that is a good question. We all took over the inhabited planets we landed on. In fact, we're headed to my planet of Superbopalis right now ... but yet your planet was not enslaved by you at all.... in fact it appears you didn't accomplish anything down there.

Ultra Evil Man: ....what are you talking about?

Superb Man: Ok ... were you hit really hard in the head or something as a kid? Instructions were left with you on the midget space ship you landed with! You ended up with a time machine and everything to manipulate your planet's timeline at your will!

Omega Man: Yeah, we all got different things. I got a climate control device to mess around with my planet's weather.

Mighty Man: I got really big club to beat people on my planet!

Ultra Evil Man: I had a time machine but it only had enough juice for one use ... and I wasted it.

Superb Man: What about the small space ship you landed in? It had instructions for you to take over the planet and rejoin us!

Ultra Evil Man: Ummmmm...... I remember there were video games on that thing ... I played them while growing up in the woods before finally leaving to join society and become an Earth Super hero ... now bad guy ..... Anyway, I played the video games on the ship until the ship batteries died and I just abandoned it.

Superb Man: So you never accessed the files that tell you about us or anything???

Ultra Evil Man: No ..... ummmm ...... so what's the story?

Omega Man: This guy is the worst!!!

Ultra Evil Man: Well I remember bits and pieces but ... help me out I was only a kid at the time just like the rest of you!

Invincible Man: Well we all watched the explanatory videos left on our tiny space ships and sought each other out! You were the last one of us we found!

Superb Man: Our planet and all of our species except us 5 were destroyed by an enemy race decades ago! This enemy race destroyed all our spaceships except for 5 which were designed for midgets .....

Omega Man: We're all brothers! You're the first born, Ultra Man, with Superb Man being last.

Superb Man: The king of our planet, our Dad, sent us away when we were kids to different inhabited planets on these midget ships as we were the only ones who could fit.

Omega Man: Moments after we were sent away ... our home world was blown up by the enemy planet and we were the only ones who got off it alive!

Superb Man: He gave us each a magical ring and a cool name and we were suppose to conquer the planets we landed on and find a way to ultimately reunite!

Invincible Man: Yeah, the plan was to have us each have a planet under our control so we could combine the resources of the 5 planets to rise up against the enemy race that destroyed ours!

Mighty Man: Yeah!

Superb Man: But best of all ... was to get these 5 rings together!

Ultra Evil Man: What happens when all 5 rings are together?

~~~ back to the space ship jail cell behind energy bars ~~~

Amanda: Do they realize we can hear everything they're saying? They're only in the next room with the door open!

Steve: Do they realize they're boring as shazam! and nobody cares what they're saying?

Amanda (whispering): Dave .... how's it going down there?

Dave is laying on his back looking and reaching into a removed wall panel and peeks out.

Dave: Well... I ripped out a bunch of wires .... but we're still in here.

Amanda: Crap ... keep trying.

Samantha starts to cry.

Amanda: There, there baby, everything is alright.

~~~ back to space meeting room ~~~

A robot is going around serving the human-like aliens beverages.

Robot: Anyone want anything else?

Invincible Man: No thanks Ro-butler.

Ultra Evil Man: .... ro-butler?

Superb Man: Yes... only the best for us! Nothing like having a robot butler wait on you all day!

Ultra Evil Man: Anyway ... back to the magical rings we all have. I always thought I had a one of a kind thing... but you all have em too....

Superb Man: Yes, in this room are all 5 magical rings ever made! Each one gives a super power ... but sadly also provides a weakness...

Ultra Evil Man: I see .... I have many unique super powers and strengths .... but I find I have a lot of health problems ....

Invincible Man: I can't be hurt and am basically indestructible! I can also do this....

A golden force-field forms around him.

Invincible Man: But I also suffer from extreme depression .....

Omega Man: I have all sorts of awesome and mysterious dark powers, such as mental teleportation and mind control .... but I get confused a lot ....a very lot....

Mighty Man takes off his ring and begins to speak in a highly intelligent manner.

Mighty Man: My ring simply gives me the most superior strength of all ... but wearing the ring seems to make me very stupid.....

Mighty Man puts the ring back on.

Mighty Man: But I can smash things!!!!!

Superb Man: And finally there's me. I have similar powers to you Ultra Man .... only superior and with more range.

//pause//

Ultra Evil Man: And you have a weakness too like all of us, right?

Superb Man: Oh yes, see this?

Superb Man shows his elbow to everyone.

Ultra Evil Man: ... no

Superb Man: Well wearing this ring gives me a rash on my elbow.

Ultra Evil Man: ...

Superb Man: It doesn't hurt or anything .... and it's hard to notice unless you really look for it.

Ultra Evil Man: Anyway, you said something about something happening if all 5 rings are combined?

Superb Man: Yes... when the rings were first created around the time our planet was blown up, they wern't charged enough for this to work ....

Ultra Evil Man (growing impatient): For what to work already?

Superb Man: Well, if they're all combined now then the one who wears all 5 rings at once will gain powers that go beyond the imagination!

Omega Man: Yes ... wearing all 5 rings would give you the ability to make anything you can conjure up in your mind a reality!

Invincible Man: Powers of a God!

Superb Man: Yes... the one who wears all 5 magical rings of power will become .....

Dramatic zoom in.

Superb Man: THE LORD OF THE RINGS!!!

Ultra Evil Man drops to his knees and rolls around on the floor and busts a gut laughing his bottom off while the others look on confused.

Invincible Man (to Superb Man): What the hell is wrong with this guy?

Ultra Evil Man grabs on to the meeting table and pulls himself up while wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes.

Ultra Evil Man: Sorry guys ... we have this movie on Earth you see and ....

Superb Man: Shut up.

Invincible Man: You really suck, Ultra Man!

~~~ back to cell ~~~

Amanda looks across the room to the button that controls the energy beams trapping them.

Amanda: .... if there was only some way we could get to that button.

Weed Man gets up and looks over.

Weed Man: Oh .... is that all we need to do? Stand back, I got this!

Weed Man aims between the bars at the button across the room and swings his arm back and forward releasing his robot hand! His robot hand flies across the room and presses the button and they're free!

Steve: Sweet!

Weed Man goes over and grabs his robot hand and puts it back on as they get ready to escape!

Steve: Come on Max!

The kitty follows.

~~~ back to meeting room ~~~

The 5 ring bearing alien brothers are all now standing around the meeting table looking more intense.

Superb Man: So .... now that we're all on the same page ... it's time to discuss who gets to wear the 5 rings and gain the ultimate power!

Everyone's eyes move back and forth on each other around the room.

Invincible Man: It should be me! I am the best one here!

Mighty Man (removes ring just to say this sentence): It should be me! I am the most intelligent one here and would make the most of it!

Ultra Evil Man: Well I'm the first born! I should get them all!

Omega Man: A fact you only found about moments ago!

Superb Man: I am the youngest and most awesome and attractive. I should get it!

Ultimate Evil Man: High on yourself much?

Invincible Man: Perhaps a competition of some sort .... would sure lift my spirits!

Superb Man: I think we all know that there's only one real way to figure this out.

Everyone looks at each other and nods.

Superb Man: So let's begin.

Immediately - they all begin to beat the supreme shazam! out of each other! Teeth and blood and rings go flying all over the room as they all share Ultra Evil Man's lack of being able to keep their rings on their fingers.

As the fight breaks out, Invincible Man's bloody and ring-less body goes flying out into the hall right next to our heroes!

Amanda: AHHHHHHHH!

They all look into the room to see an epic battle ensuing!

A ring rolls next to Steve's foot and he picks it up and looks at Weed Man.

Steve: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Weed Man: Let's smoke 15 bongs and play Super Mario?

Steve: No... let's kick some bottom!

Weed Man: Sweet! A real life video game!

Steve: Stay safe Amanda! We're going to beat up these space jerks and get back home!

Steve puts on the ring and with Weed Man they enter the fight with the aliens who are scrambling to grab their rings. Invincible Man begins to crawl back into the room looking for any ring he can find.

Amanda: Not so fast!

Amanda goes over and kicks the crap out of Invincible Man while Samantha watches from a safe distance.

Steve (while choking out Omega Man): Baby! Don't fight people when you're so pregnant!

Amanda: Sorry!

Suddenly Superb Man kicks Steve across the room and his ring flies off!

Weed Man: I'm coming!

Weed Man begins to fight Superb Man while Ultra Evil Man deals with Mighty Man. Ultra Evil Man and Mighty Man take turns throwing each other through walls until Mighty Man's ring falls off and rolls across the floor into the hall.

Ultra Evil Man: Damn it! Get back here ring!

As Ultra Evil Man goes after Mighty Man's ring, Steve manages to get Omega Man's ring and put it on and they battle!

Ultra Evil Man: I'm so sick of you getting in my way! Even in smurf space!!!!

They exchange blows and both lose rings! Ultra Evil Man stumbles around and manages to find Invincible Man's ring while Steve is still ring-less!

Steve: Oh crap!

Weed Man: I'm coming!

Suddenly Superb Man tackles Weed Man and they bust through a wall!

Ultra Evil Man (towering over Steve): Now ... with the powers of THIS ring I'll kill you!

Ultra Evil Man delivers a powerful downwards punch at Steve but before he can land it he's suddenly kicked through a wall!

Steve: What the ... who saved me?

Steve looks over to see his daughter, Samantha is wearing Mighty Man's ring and standing up happily.

Samantha (removing pacifier): Daddy?

Steve: Good girl. Now give Daddy the ring and go out with Mommy and Max ok?

Out in the next room Weed Man has defeated Superb Man and holds up his ring.

Weed Man: Sweet. Let's see what happens when I put this on.....

Ultra Evil Man: I don't think so pal!

Ultra Evil Man snatches the ring and kicks Weed Man through 2 more walls!

Ultra Evil Man now places the ring on his finger and now is wearing the rings of Superb Man and Invincible Man.

Ultra Evil Man looks down at the now skinny Superb Man and kicks his face in until Superb Man is bloody and Ultra Evil Man's cheap sneakers are covered in blood.

Ultra Evil Man: Come back from THAT pretty boy!

Steve is checking on Amanda, Samantha and Max.

Amanda: Look out behind you!

Suddenly Mighty Man begins to choke out Steve from behind while wearing Ultra Man's ring.

A beat up and ring-less Invincible Man goes to grab a ray gun off the wall when Ultra Evil Man stops him.

Ultra Evil Man: Sorry brother ... but I would rather be a lone child!

Ultra Evil Man beats Invincible Man to death to ensure he doesn't come back as a threat and gets covered in more blood.

Ultra Evil Man (looking crazy and covered in blood): Yes.... what a great day for ME!

Omega Man manages to find his own ring back in the wreckage of the meeting room.

Omega Man: Oh no.. this whole fight is really confusing me.... but I got to get those rings....

Weed Man: Stop right there guy!

Omega Man: Out of my way!

Weed Man: Sorry man, I don't think any of you dudes should use these magic ring things... you're all like really evil.

Omega Man and Weed Man slug it out while Steve fights off Mighty Man.

Mighty Man: That's my ring you got there, give it back!

Steve: No!

They exchange more blows and Steve pushes him through a wall and follows and begins to fight in the same room as Weed Man and Omega Man.

Ultra Evil Man watches from the entrance admiring his two rings.

Ultra Evil Man: Come on ... someone drop a ring already so I can get it!

Suddenly Weed Man punches out Omega Man and his ring falls off and rolls across the room. The now skinny Omega Man crawls to the ring which rolls until it's stopped by Ultra Evil Man's foot.

Omega Man looks up.

Omega Man: Oh no....

Ultra Evil Man: I'll be taking that.

Ultra Evil Man puts on the ring now giving him 3 rings. He then kills Omega Man by stomping on his neck so hard he gets decapitated.

Ro-butler goes up to Amanda.

Ro-butler: Beverage?

Amanda: .... no thanks.

Weed Man goes to help Steve fight Mighty Man! Mighty Man is still using Ultra Man's ring and this makes the already unstable Ultra Evil Man even more crazy. Ultra Evil Man watches and zooms in on the ring and then attacks! Ultra Evil Man jumps and charges at Mighty Man and smashes him through multiple walls of the ship!

Weed Man and Steve watch through the sparks of the hole in the spaceship wall as Ultra Evil Man horribly murders Mighty Man and takes his ring back ....

Steve: Shoot, Ultra Evil Man just got his ring back ..... I think that means Ultra Evil Man has all the rings now except this one ... (Mighty Man's ring) ... also I feel stupider.

Weed man: Ummm....

Steve: We should probably get the hell out of here!

Steve and Weed Man join Amanda, Samantha and Max in the hall.

Amanda: what's going on?

Steve: Ultra Man ... he has most of the magical rings! Let's get the hell out of here!

They all begin to run.

Amanda: We have to find an escape pod or something!

They contunie running down the hall and notice the ship is in bad shape from the fight ... sparks and flickering lights and etc ... then ....

BOOM!!!

Ultra Evil Man busts through a wall wearing 4 magical rings and blocks the path of our heroes! He looks extra scary and menacing, super bulky and glowing with power and covered in the blood of his 4 dead brothers!

Ultra Evil Man: Give me the ring or I'll kill you all!

Steve: Ummmm... wouldn't you kill us anyway?

Ultra Evil Man: Yes, but if you give me the ring ... I'll kill you nicer.

Steve: No.

Ultra Evil Man: I need it! Once I have all 5 I will be able to do ANYTHING I can imagine! Like a genie!!!

Amanda: This is so smurf up and I'm having pregnancy hunger pains! I need ice cream!

Suddenly Ro-butler comes up to Ultra Evil Man with a tray of beverages.

Ro-butler: Space Tang?

Ultra Evil Man: ROAR!!!!!

Ultra Evil Man kicks Ro-butler across the hall and he lands next to our heroes looking very damaged!

Amanda: .... are you ok?

Ro-butler: CLEARLY NOT!!!! I'M DYING MY TITS OFF DOWN HERE!!!!

Ultra Evil Man: YOU GUYS ARE NEXT!!!

Steve: Come on Dave ... let's try to fight this guy and get it over with!

Weed Man: Alright ... level 15, here we go!

Amanda: You really treat life like a video game, huh?

Steve and Weed Man charge at Ultra Evil Man and they all exchange blows! Steve is trying very much for his ring not to fall off! As they fight they tear up the space ship even more!

Steve: Crap ... if we keep this up we will all die!

Ultra Evil Man: Not me! I live FOREVER!!!

Steve and Weed Man continue to team up on Ultra Evil Man and Ultra Evil Man drops a ring in the shuffle! The ring disappears into a crack in the floor!

Ultra Evil Man: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Ultra Evil Man gets pissed and begins to access new powers with his 3 remaining rings! He begins to shoot energy beams all over as Weed Man and Steve dodge and the ship takes more heavy damage! Amanda, the kid and the cat cuddle up in the distance worried!

Suddenly, Weed Man delivers a sweet kick to Ultra Man's chin and another ring flies off and gets lost!

Ultra Evil Man: Son of a jabberwocky!

Ultra Evil Man kicks Steve across the room and he lands next to Amanda! His ring falls off and he's knocked unconscious! Amanda cradles Steve!

Amanda: STEVE!!!

Weed Man: It's all up to me ...

Weed Man inhales deeply on a joint when Ultra Evil Man punches him down! In the process ... he loses his second to last ring!

Ultra Evil Man: Son of a jabberwocky! I hate these rings! I only got one left! Why are the most awesome rings ever so easy to lose!?

Weed Man: Take this!!!

Weed Man kicks Ultra Evil Man across the room and his final ring flies off and is lost in the debris! Ultra Evil Man flies right into an exposed space pipe of some kind that impales him through the chest!

Ultra Evil Man is now ring-less and pinned against the wall and looks down at his grievous injury .....

Ultra Evil Man: Crap ... I'm probably not coming back from this one.

Ultra Evil Man collapses against the wall with blood dripping out of his mouth. Weed Man celebrates by lighting a joint with his robot finger lighter then joins Amanda and them.

Weed Man: Is he ok?

Steve sits up and appears dazed.

Steve: I think so ...

Little Samantha comes over and hands Steve the ring of Mighty Man that fell off.

Steve: Awww... thanks. We should try to find the other rings ... maybe it could help us out of this.

Weed Man: Yeah, the guy said all of them together make you a genie or something ... you could wish us home!

Suddenly the very damaged ship begins to shake like they're in a earthquake! The magical ring battle has really taken it's toll on the space ship!

Steve: Oh shazam!! Something is happening! We got to find those rings!

Weed Man: They could be anywhere! There's wreckage everywhere!

Amanda: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Steve: Really? Screaming?

Amanda: Try to find the rings!!!! I'm pregnant I can't die on a spaceship somewhere!

Suddenly a cracked screen comes on and features a very ugly woman. Like seriously ugly.

Woman on screen (scraggly voice): There's no time ....

Steve: Who are you!?!

Woman on screen: I'm the ship's computer.

Steve: Really?

Woman on screen: Yes.

Steve: But ... in all the space shows I've seen ... the space ship's computer is pretty and young ... you're an ugmo.

Weed Man: Yeah, you're hyper ugly.

The woman on the damaged screen looks very cross.

Woman on screen: Well... I WAS going to save you from the moon we're about to crash into in less than 2 minutes....

Steve: Moon!!?

Amanda: Save us from the moon! You're beautiful!

Woman on screen: On one condition .....

Steve: ANYTHING!!!

Woman on screen: Make out with me ...

Steve: What?

Woman on screen: It gets very lonely being an ugly space computer ... I just want to experience .... romance.

Steve: Ummmm ... Amanda ... is this ok?

Amanda: I DON'T GIVE A smurf IF YOU FULL ON smurf SOMEONE TO GET US OUT OF THIS BUT GET US THE smurf OUT OF THIS!!!

Steve goes and awkwardly positions his mouth on the screen and makes out with the computer.

Steve: Ok ... I did it, now save us please!

Woman on screen: More tongue....

Steve: COME ON!!!

Woman on screen: Fine ... seeing as how the crew is dead .. who cares. I can teleport you all to a planet near by that supports life.

Amanda: Can't you just steer us away from the moon we're about to crash on?

Woman on screen: No ... I'm tired ... and don't want to live anymore. Take it or leave it, less then a minute until impact now.

Amanda and Steve look at other with a sense of desperation.

Amanda: Fine ...

Suddenly a beam of light surrounds them. In a jungle like setting, a beam of light flashes and Weed Man, Steve, pregnant Amanda, Samantha and Max appear. They look up to see the space ship in the distance approach the close moon.

Amanda: .... there goes our only way home .....

Steve hugs Amanda as she tears up and they all watch as the space ship slowly crashes into the moon and explodes.

Steve: .... well we're smurf.