Chapter 89 --> Pepperoni

[Clarence]

At Terrible Teresa's secret hideout!

Terrible Theresa is wearing a cool black costume with weapons on it and opens up a strange metal briefcase to reveal a glowing green light.

Terrible Theresa: Yes, now that I have this plutonium, I will be the greatest FEMALE super villain ever!!!

Steroids Man: Not so face you evil scum queen! Your days of being evil and wearing sexy black leather are OVER! (whispering) Go AWAY erection!!

Terrible Theresa: You'll never stop me, I don't have the weaknesses of a MAN!

Steroids Man kicks her between the legs.

Terrible Theresa: OUCH!!! MY PUSSY!!!!

Terrible Theresa falls to the ground in pain.

Terrible Theresa: Henchwomen *choke* .... ATTACK!!

A bunch of women dressed up in cool costumes all approach Steroids Man with fighting stances on and steroids Man, one by one, kicks them all between the legs while they writhe around on the floor in pain.

Steroids Man: I hurt a bunch of women! I'm the greatest hero ever!!

Steroids Man goes over to the plutonium stick and picks it up with his bare hands and sniffs it and licks it.

Steroids Man: This HAS to be the plutonium I was looking for!

...pause

Steroids Man: I better double check.

Steroids Man starts gnawing on the stick of plutonium like a dog bone.

Steroids Man: Yup, definitely tastes like plutonium to me!

Steroids Man looks around and notices something strange.

Steroids Man: Hey cool, everything looks green for some reason, I feel like I'm in the Matrix!

The Manager projects his ghostly presence to Steroids Man.

The Manager: You FINALLY got the plutonium I needed!

Steroids Man: Sure did! Catch!

Steroids Man throws the plutonium at The Manager but it goes right through his ghost body and lands in the sewers and Steroids Man looks down to see it wash away.

Steroids Man: Oh right, I forgot you're a ghost. My bad.

The Manager is fuming mad and zaps Steroids Man in the soul and he writhes around in pain screaming and kicking.

The Manager: You are literally getting stupider!!!! I hate you!!!! When I come back to this world I'm going to BEAT THE shazam! OUT OF YOU!!!

Steroids Man is still rolling around the floor in pain.

Steroids Man: OUCH!!!!! ... CAN WE CALL IT A DAY NOW .... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH .... I WANNA GO HOME AND ... OUCH!!! WATCH MY FAVOURITE SOAP OPERA.... *cough up blood*

~~~~~

Steroids Man is home playing video games with Doug, who this week has a unicycle where his missing leg used to be.

Phil is also with them nursing a headache that never went away since he woke from his coma. And the robot has spent all day trying to kill himself by jumping off a bridge into the water... sinking to the bottom and walking back to shore and jumping off the bridge in a loop all day failing to realize this will not work.

Max and Conky kitty cats are chilling out sleeping.

Steroids Man: What a nice day to kick around and play video games.

*ding dong*

Steroids Man: Hey, it's the door, I wonder who that can be?

Steroids Man opens the door to see Dave dressed in his traditional hippy clothing but with wild crazy hair. His eyes are half shut and he appears to be very stoned and relaxed.

Steroids Man: Dave?!?!

(Audience applause)

Dave: Yeah Man.... I'm super high and I'm pretty sure Maverick won't be coming out today... I thought I would hit this place up for some video games and pizza and weed like old times, man!

Steroids Man: Hell yeah, come in!

Dave comes in and sits on the couch between Doug and Steroids Man with Phil on the single seater.

Dave: What you guys playing man he he he

Steroids Man: Call of duty.

Dave: Oh no man... there's too many buttons... we need to get wacked out of our mind and play SUPER MARIO!! 4 buttons man, I'm telling you.

Doug: Man this guy is smurf high.

Phil: Who..... is he?

Steroids Man: Oh man, Dave and me go way back, so many memories.

##Flashback to:

Dave and Steroids Man high and playing video games on the couch.

~~~ move to

Dave and Steroids Man on the cough wacked out of their minds playing video games.....

~~~Now we see

Steroids Man and Dave in front of the couch super high and playing video games.

~~Back to present.

Phil: Do all your flashbacks with Dave involve getting high and playing video games?

Steroids Man: Welll... mostly yes.

Dave: Well here's another one to add to the list (Pulls out a super bong and a duffel bag of weed)

Doug: Sweet! Let's get baked!

Dave: .... and order a pizza!

Phil orders a pizza while Doug, Steroids Man, and Dave pass around bong hits. Even the cats are getting high and running to their cat dishes.

Dave: Hey .... you in the snazzy suit (Phil) ... take a hit of this shazam! man it will change your WORLD!

Phil: No, I don't condone drug use! (takes more Tylenol)

Steroids Man (to Phil): Still got that headache eh? heh heh ... looks good on you balloon knot tickle fight ruiner.

Dave (To Phil): Man.... seriously... one hit of this and your headache will go away!

Phil: I guess I may have too... this headache is killing me and lasting forever!

Phil takes a hit and passes the bong around, when it makes it back to Phil he's in his boxers with dark red eyes laughing his bottom off.

Phil: Yeah man, this is some sweet sweet weed!

*ding dong*

Steroids Man: Hey.... did you guys hear that?

Doug: Is the phone ringing?

Phil: No man it's a cash register.... I used to be a cashier.

*ding dong*

Dave: Man ... you guys should totally answer the phone *bong hit*

Steroids Man: I don't think we own a phone.....

Max jumps on Dave's lap and Dave blows a pile of weed smoke in his face.

Max purrs and rolls around happily.

The door bell noises now become loud knocking noises.

Dave: Hey, somebody is playing the drums man... and they really suck.

Phil: You don't know nothing, this is the greatest music I ever heard.

From door: THIS IS THE PIZZA GUY, IS ANYONE HOME?!?!

Steroids Man: Oh shazam!!

~~

We cut to the pizza guy outside and in front of the door, the door opens and a waft of weed smoke billows out of the doorway and rises up and gets some low flying pigeons stoned and they start making love to each other.

Pizza Guy: Holy crap man, what's going ON in there?

Steroids Man: I left a pizza in the oven.....

Pizza Guy: Oh.... well here's the fresh pizza you ordered.

Steroids Man: Cool.

*long pause and silence*

Pizza Guy: Pay me.

Steroids Man: Right...... I get it now.

*longer and more painful silence*

Pizza Guy: Seriously, give me money.

Steroids Man reaches into his pocket and gives the pizza guy a fist full of 100 dollar bills.

Steroids Man: Keep the change... buy yourself a coffee.

Pizza Guy: SWEET!

The pizza guy runs off and is super happy with his $3000 tip.

Steroids Man brings the pizza in and places it on the table and opens the box and sits down. Everyone stares at it in awe. smoke is all over the room.

Dave: This ....pizza ... is epic .... *bong hit*

Doug: Oh my.... this pizza.... do you guys even see this?

Phil: heh heh heh ... yeah ..... totally... this pizza .... it's where it is. *bong hit*

Steroids Man: This pizza really speaks to me............. it's sexy.

Dave: Guys check it out, look at this piece of pepperoni!

Dave points to a piece of pepperoni that stands out on the pizza.

Doug: That's trippy man *bong hit*

Steroids Man: That pepperoni... it's so ROUND.

Phil: It's like a perfect circle... I wonder how that happened?

Doug: Dude... guys.... the pepperoni isn't covered by anything.

Dave: What does that even mean!?? *bong hit from two separate bongs*

Doug: Like the pepperoni.... there's no cheese or anything on it.... it's just THERE.

Steroids Man: I'M FREAKING OUT *bong hit* and *steroid injection*

Phil: I wonder.... I wonder how they decide what pepperoni to put on what pizza ... like is it art or just magic?

Dave: I want to know where THAT piece of pepperoni came from man.... like ... is it from space or....

Doug: This pepperoni.... it's magnificent.... it's the greatest single piece of pepperoni ever cut *cries*

Phil: I think this needs to be documented *takes pictures*

Dave: This pepperoni man .... *bong hit* ... what a pepperoni.

Steroids Man: Pepperoni is GOOD hehhhehehha ha hahh heh heh

Doug: It's so true I never thought about it before.

Phil: This pepperoni is SOOOOO red!

Doug: I want to keep it man... I want it sooo bad.

Steroids Man: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAaahaha haahahha

Phil: This pepperoni..... it's so in the middle of the pizza.

Doug: This is the greatest thing that ever happened.

Steroids Man: HAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA

Doug: *weeping deeply* This pepperoni is so beautiful ... I can't even look at it.

Phil: I can look at it... it's all I ever want to see again for the rest of my life *bong hit*

Dave: Man..... did I ever tell you about this ... this piece of pepperoni I have right here man what a piece of pepperoni.

Doug: It looks so savory and succulent.... like a painting that was created just for me.

Phil: I want to live on that pepperoni guys, I mean it. I can built a house there.

Steroids Man is still laughing uncontrollably.

Doug: Can I live there with you guys?

Dave: Man, let's all live there. Can I put a swing set on it?

Phil: Can you imagine if we lived on a piece of pepperoni ..... *bong hit* .... every morning would smell so delicious.

Doug: I want that smell!

Dave: We could grow WEED on it *bong hit*

~~~~hours later~~~~

Dave: Man... this pepperoni.... it just breathes life into the pizza.... it gives it so much potency.

Phil: This pepperoni looks so meaty... like a bunch of meat.

Doug: It's such a clean cut of meat!

**Suddenly the Manager projects himself and reveals himself to everyone!

The Manager: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!

Everyone looks up with red blood-shot eyes.

The Manager: You guys have been talking about the pepperoni for like 3 smurf hours now and haven't even so much as taken a slice of pizza to eat! How smurf high are you guys?!??!

Dave: Hey I remember you.... you're skipper from Gilligan's Island!

Steroids Man is laughing his bottom off and drool is coming out of his mouth, Doug is in a total trance with the pepperoni slice and Phil is in his underwear looking at his hands in disbelief.

The Manager: Ok, I want some of that shazam!.

Dave: Help yourself man.

The Manager: I can't enter your world.... but I may be able to open a small portal for you to throw a joint in.

The Manager exhausts a lot of his power to open a small portal which Dave throws a joint in. The portal closes quickly and The Manager has the joint. The Manager can't enter our world, but he can open only super tiny portals to take things into his. Like that tray at the drive through lane at the bank.

~~~~~later

The Manager is sleepily floating above the room looking down and the rest are lazily relaxing on the couches.

The Manager: Man, I can tell you... I've been around for thousands of years, and I have NEVEr.... and I mean NEVER seen a piece of pepperoni THIS awesome!

Phil: This is what I'm saying guys, we need to call Guinness!

Doug: No.... let's start our OWN Guinness!

The Manager: I like it.

Steroids Man: I'mmmmmm soooooo high.......

Doug: Me too man... I can't feel any pain... watch this!

Doug starts stabbing himself in the good leg with a butter knife.

Doug: See, nothing!

Dave: I'm telling you guys... this is the best weed in the world!

The Manager: I think you're right!

Dave: Man, I bet you could cut your whole leg off and not feel a thing!

Doug: I think you're right, let me try!

Doug slowly cuts through his whole remaining leg until it falls off and blood is everywhere.

Doug: You're right! I cut my leg clean off and feel nothing! *bong hit*

Steroids Man: Ok guys, I think we waited long enough, I'm grabbing a slice of pizza.

Steroids Man grabs the slice with the famous pepperoni on it and eats it off the tip of the pizza.

Dave: YOU MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF shazam!!!!!!

Steroids Man: Pardon?

Dave (standing up): YOU DIRTY mister friendly-SUCKER balloon knot smurf DOUCHE-BAG!!! WHAT GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO TAKE THAT PEPPERONI!!!?!?!?! WHAT?!??!?!?!

Steroids Man: Ummmm....

Dave rips off his outer layer of clothes to reveal an army costume and looks extra crazy and grabs a machine gun from his weed duffel bag and aims it at Steroids Man. He has once again become his split personality: Maverick!

Maverick: I'M GOING TO KILL THE shazam! OUT OF YOU!!!!

Maverick holds the machine gun right at Steroids Man's face while shaking nervously...

Maverick becomes Dave again.

Dave: No... I can't ..... damn it... I have to go before I kill again!

Dave begins to leave.

Steroids Man: Want some pizza for the road?

Dave turns back and aims his gun and shoots all around Steroids Man without hitting him and then leaves angrily.

Steroids Man: Good old Dave.

~~~~Later that night Steroids Man is in bed snuggling with Amanda. She has been working extra hours at the police station and this bit of distance has actually been helping their relationship.

Amanda: I'm so glad to be in bed with you after a long hard day.

Steroids Man: I'm glad to have you, you complete me.

Amanda: Goodnight babe!

Steroids Man: goodnight.

They fall asleep in each others arms in the silence of the night....





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LOUD SCREAMING and Steroids Man and Amanda wake up wide eyed looking at each other.

Doug: MY smurf LEG!!!!!! OH smurf ME!!!! THE AGONY!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[Wesley]

Good old Dave. I guess if you have to have a duffel bag full of something, weed and a machine gun would be better than dirty laundry.

[Clarence]

Yes, I wanted to have him stop by and have a nice experience this time. Just like old times.

Ok... but really though, I had to make 21 episodes this season so I could get to the magic number 100 ... this was a filler. But the only one, I promise!

Also

What does everyone think of the female super-villains?

[Wesley]

Once they heal from their crotch kicking, I would like to see more of them.

Also, I didn't want to ruin anything, but nobody anywhere has a rod of plutonium, uranium, or whatever. The stuff is always in a containment vessel.

That being said, this is obviously a fun comic story, and not intended to mimic reality.

[Clarence]

Yeah, but it's more fun. Steroids Man is still on his quest to get the plutonium. Will he ever get this machine built or will the Manager get so frustrated he will just give up on ever trying to return to earth?

Anyway, as for this episode let me tell ya.

I had a lot of fun writing it. I think I wrote it like faster than any episode ever. It just flowed for me.

I remember a school teacher telling us about some people who ordered a pizza and got so high all they could do was talk about the pepperoni on the pizza and never ate it. Clearly the basis for this epsisode. It made me happy to be writing Dave again, I now realize I miss that guy a lot!

I have had all the episodes of season 7 figured out for a while but this one... man.. I had no idea what I was going to do for the longest time. The only idea I had was to have Steroids Man and the robot get into an arguement and beat each other up for an episode.... I was right out

[Wesley]

I like the way it turned out. A thought occurred to me just now. There have been so many minor villains that have been defeated by Steroids Man, there could almost be enough for another group dedicated not just to being evil, but to the destruction of Steroids Man!

[Clarence]

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[Clarence]

I tried to write an episode about a new villain named "Spam Man" but he was far too annoying and I had to delete the episode and punch my computer in the face!!!

[Wesley]

This episode seems to attract more spam than any other.

[Clarence]

I was thinking that too actually, why is that???

It's one of the most pointless episodes I ever wrote.