Chapter 110 --> Porno Doomsday

[Clarence]

At the Steroids Mansion, late at night... a creature is lurking in the kitchen.

We see a shadowy figure open the fridge and look inside... it's mostly beer.

Stranger: Yes... good, this will be the best haul of the night!

The Stranger starts taking beer bottles out and sticking them in a large black sack when suddenly the lights turn on and we reveal Steroids Man at the light switch.

Steroids Man: Time for my secret 3 A.M. drinky-poo ... wait who the hell are you?

Stranger: Oh crap!

Steroids Man approaches as the thief drops beer bottles in panic and Steroids Man steps on one causing him to roll across the kitchen and fall into the stove. Steroids Man falls in such a way that the corner of the stove sticking out hits him hard in the temple and knocks him out.

Stranger: I got to get this beer and get the hell out of here!

The stranger turns the kitchen light back off to continue his heist under cover of darkness when the light comes back on.

Stranger: Oh, now what....

Amanda: Time for my secret 3 A.M. cocaine sniffing contest with myself while eating waffles.... wait... who are you?

Amanda looks at the beer stuffed in sack.

Amanda: Criminal! You're under arrest.... oh wait... I'm not a cop anymore... but I'm still going to hurt you!

Amanda approaches the criminal but as beer has been spilled, the floor is slippery and she slips and crashes into the fridge, which then falls on top of her.

Amanda: Crap I'm trapped!

Stranger: And that's my cue to exit.

As he begins to leave...

Robot: TIME FOR MY SECRET 3 A.M. ROBOTIC tickle fight WITH THE HIGH TECH COFFEE MACHINE!

Stranger: A robot?

Robot: GASP!!! A HUMAN!!

The stranger panics and throws a beer bottle at the robot which shatters and gets beer all over him.

Robot: NOOOO... BEER.... ALCOHOL ABSORBING INTO MY CIRCUITS... *HICK* .... LET'S TAKE OFF OUR CLOTHES AND PARTY!!!!

The robot gets robo intoxicated and falls down and lands on top of the fridge further weighing down Amanda.

Amanda: smurf!!!

The stranger grabs the beer sack and begins to head out the window when Dougette catches him. Dougette is standing at the top of the stairs while he is at the bottom.

Dougette: Stop right there!

Stranger: No!

The stranger jumps out the window.

Dougette: Damn it, my element of surprise has mysteriously vanished!

Dougette starts to run down the stairs.

Dougette: Oh no.... robot leg cramp!

Dougette falls down the stairs damaging his robot legs and robot arm.

Dougette: No... my robot arm... I just learned how to masturbate with you! ... so much for my secret 3 A.M. activity tonight...

~~~~~~~~~~~

Later everyone is in the living room nursing their wounds. There is an open laptop in the coffee table with Phil on it.

(After the events of the previous episode, Phil was downloaded from the robot into a new laptop)

Phil: So...... let me get this straight... you all got your asses kicked by a random burglar last night?

Amanda: Seems that way....

Phil: Didn't you guys all defeat The Manager last week? A super demon from hell?

Steroids Man: This was no ordinary burglar, this was a super burglar! Maybe it's another Manager reincarnation!

Phil: No... trust me, The Manager is dead, we watched his final essence get obliterated.

Dougette: Than who WAS that guy?

Phil: I researched various news websites and discovered he is just a petty beer thief. He breaks into places, steals beer exclusively and leaves. And he's very bad at it, he has been caught 3 times before and..... wait.... new information available... yes. Ok. He just got arrested thanks to the assistance of an elderly couple.

Steroids Man, Amanda, Dougette and the robot just have their jaws drop.

Dougette: Dude, we suck.

Steroids Man: Man.... I mean.... I feel so exposed!

Amanda: Me too actually....

Steroids Man: If someone like that can break in here.... than really anyone can.

Robot: WHAT IF A MORE SERIOUS VILLAIN GOT IN HERE! WE ARE NAKED!

Phil: We need a security system. Might I offer a suggestion?

Steroids Man: I suppose so...

Phil: Allow me to re-install monitors all over the mansion and be connected to everything. We can add cameras all over and I can watch all areas inside and outside. We can also install weapons and lock down areas that I can control to ensure your safety. As I'm a computer now and no longer require sleep, I can be constantly aware of danger and you guys will always be safe.

Everyone looks at each other and they all seem a little weary of this idea.

Phil: It will cost a pretty penny, but I think your safety would be worth it.

Steroids Man: I don't know.... why don't we toss around some other ideas?

There's a long painful silence and nobody has any better ideas. Suddenly a crash noise is heard from another room and everyone is panicky and on edge.

Dougette: INSTALL IT! INSTALL IT! INSTALL IT!

(BTW it was the cat)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With Phil's access to Steroids Man's insane wealth, he hires security companies and computer companies to begin work on the mansion. Trucks of workers come by and begin working installing monitors to display Phil and also security cameras and doing networking and etc etc.

~~

Steroids Man is on the couch watching pornography while drinking as all these workers keep walking around and ripping holes in walls and doing stuff.

Steroids Man: How many damn people are going to be here?

Suddenly this very large black man who looks super jacked and wearing all black walks over towards Steroids Man while holding on to a lap top. He's holding on to it in a way that it's open and facing out so Phil can talk to people. This black guy is very intense looking.

Steroids Man: Who the hell is that?

Phil (Being held by black guy): This is Rufus, he's my new body guard and he also helps carry me around so I can direct these workers here.

Steroids Man: Hi Regis.

Rufus just gives Steroids Man a dirty look.

Phil: Show him what you can do.

Rufus goes over to a couch and picks it up and rips it in half like a piece of paper.

Steroids Man: You could have got me to do that job.

Phil: You threw me in a lake once!

Steroids Man: You were asking for it.

Phil: How?

Steroids Man: You should leave now.

Steroids Man continues to drink and watch porn films.

~~

The workers continue to rip the mansion apart and we see a monitor and security camera installed in every room. Also new thick metal doors that slide down and up to open and weapons being installed everywhere.

The workers go into Dougette's room. She is wearing a skimpy nighty.

Worker: Hey there, is it ok if we work on your room now?

Dougette: Go right ahead you big strong guys!

Worker: Ummm... ok.

Some workers come in and begin to run wire and etc.

Dougette: I love watching you big strong sexy guys work!

Dougette goes over to the door and shuts it and locks it from the inside with a key and then sticks the key up her butt hole.

Dougette: Oh no, we're all locked in here, I sure hope you boys don't take advantage of me!

Worker 2: NEVER!!!!

Dougette gets pissed and rips her clothes off.

Dougette: Oh no my clothes fell off, I sure hope none of you slip and fall into my vagina!

The guys begin frantically working faster and faster to get the job done as this naked man/women with robot legs and a robot arm torments them.

Dougette: Somebody rape me already!!!!

Dougette begins to knock them down and rip their clothes off as they all fight to get away.

Worker: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!!

Suddenly the door busts open to reveal Rufus holding on to Phil. A little compartment on Phil's laptop opens up and shoots a dart at Dougette.

Dougette: Tranquilizer?!?!? Really.... uggg....

Dougette passes out.

Phil: Sorry about that guys, back to work!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man is on the couch drinking and watching dirty movies when the workers begin to leave.

Phil: Thanks again everyone!

Rufus and Phil leave the room as all the workers are now gone too.

Steroids Man takes a tall drink of beer and suddenly the monitor behind him comes on.

Phil: I'm back!

Steroids Man spits his beer and an old tooth out.

Steroids Man: No....

Phil: Yup, there's a monitor for me in every room and all the security devices are set up!

Steroids Man looks around at all the changes without leaving the couch.

Steroids Man: Everything is all metal now... it looks all sterile and cold.. like your personality.

Phil: Well the important thing is now we are all secure. No threat will ever get past me!

Steroids Man: So... you're done the whole house already? It only took one day?

Phil: No, it was a week of solid work around the clock thanks to our generous payments.

Steroids Man: A week has gone by?

Phil: Yes. You have been drinking and watching porn for a week.

Steroids Man looks really upset.

~~

With the new security in place the housemates all look around at the changes.

Dougette: This sucks.

Amanda: I hate it.

Robot: THIS PLACE IS SO SEXY NOW!

Phil: Also, everyone has their own high powered personal computer in their bedrooms.

Dougette: Really?

Phil: Yes.

Dougette: Can we do anything with these computers?

Phil: They are top of the line and we have a very powerful internet connection ... so yes.

Dougette: Sweet! *runs off*

~~~

Dougette is at the computer downloading all sorts of nasty things.

Dougette: This is the best computer I have ever owned!

~~~

Steroids Man and Amanda are in their room laying in bed. Steroids Man rolls over on his belly exposing his back.

Steroids Man: Hey baby, can you do my nightly steroids injections into my spine for me?

Amanda: *sigh*

Steroids Man: You know I can't do these myself!

Amanda: You're the worst.

Steroids Man: I love you baby.

Amanda: I LOVE YOU!!!

Amanda jams the steroids into his spine as Steroids Man screams.

Steroids Man: OH YES!!!

~~~~

As the days go by, they all do their thing ... until one day...

Dougette is downloading shazam! loads of porn and printing off pictures and everything. Suddenly a large wall monitor comes on to display Phil.

Phil: Hey ... Dougette....

Dougette: Leave me alone! This is my personal time!

Phil: You have been downloading a lot of porn.... I didn't even know there was this much porn on the internet.....

Dougette: Did you give me this computer to have fun or what?

Phil: Yes, but everything is connected to me and I'm processing a lot of viruses and ....

Dougette comes over and rips the flat screen monitor off the wall and hurls it out the window.

Dougette: Anyway, back to my porn fest!

~~~~~

Steroids Man, Amanda, The robot and Dougette are all home when ...

Suddenly indestructible metal walls begin to come crashing down around all the Mansion's exits and windows!

Steroids Man: Ahhhh!!!

Amanda rushes in very out of sorts, sweating and shaking.

Amanda: What's going on? WHAT IS IT?!?!?!? OH NO, OH NO, OH NO!

The Robot: WE'RE TRAPPED IN HERE!!

Dougette joins everyone else in the living room.

Dougette: Guys!!! I think the beer thief is back!!

Steroids Man: Phil, what's going on?

Everyone watches the living room monitor as Phil comes on the screen.

Phil looks really crappy! Usually he's displayed with his traditional look revealing his head and just the top of his tie.

This time his tie is gone and his dress shirt is opened and wrinkly. He has a stubble, his glasses are half off and broken and his hair is a total mess and looks like it's very dry / not washed.

Amanda: ....Phil?

Phil: Yeah.... this is Phil.... how is everyone?

Steroids Man: Good.... why did you block all the exits?

Phil: What do you mean?

Steroids Man: The doors and windows leading out are blocked.

Phil: Oh. I didn't know that happened .... let me fix it.

Suddenly the can opener turns on in the kitchen.

Phil: There, it's fixed.

Steroids Man: No it's not!

Phil: Oh.

Dougette: Are you ok?

Phil: No. There is a lot of porn inside my files ... many viruses ... they seemed to have merged into one super virus more powerful than any virus that has ever existed. I'm trying to battle it but ... asses.

Robot: WHAT?

Phil: Men's asses. I love me some men's asses.

Phil twitches and begins speaking normally again.

Phil: Sorry, like I said, huge titties all through-out my system.

Steroids Man: Ok this is weird, I'm getting out of here!

Steroids Man begins to punch and kick at the metal door but it doesn't have hardly any effect. Suddenly an electrical current is shown flowing through the door and it shocks Steroids Man with high voltage and he goes flying across the room.

Steroids Man is laying on his back with smoke coming off him.

Amanda: Steroids Man!!!

Amanda starts kicking him in the chest really hard.

Dougette: What are you doing?

Amanda: I'm trying to start his heart!

Steroids Man sits up and gasps loudly.

Robot: SO -- YOU ARE MALFUNCTIONING BECAUSE DOUGETTE DOWNLOADED TOO MUCH PORN?

Phil: That appears to be the dildo.

Everyone gives Dougette a dirty look as Dougette appears to be laughing.

Steroids Man: What the smurf is so funny?

Dougette: sorry guys... I recently discovered that if I lick at the roof of my mouth, towards the back, it tickles.

We see Dougette with her mouth closed and some movement at the mouth region of her face and then she starts laughing again.

Amanda: For smurf Steroids Man, this is all your fault!

Steroids Man: My fault?

Amanda: I just wanted to live alone, these clowns are going to kill us!

Robot: YOU TURNED INTO A jabberwocky EVER SINCE YOU GOT MARRIED!

Amanda: smurf you robot, do you want to throw down!?

Robot: ANY TIME - ANY PLACE jabberwocky!

Steroids Man: Stop it guys! Being locked in here is just freaking us out is all, that's all it is *sweating*

Dougette: hahahahahahaha

Steroids Man: STOP LICKING YOUR MOUTH!!!!

Suddenly a gun comes out at the wall and begins shooting. Everyone gets down as Steroids Man gets shot a few times and the robot goes over and destroys the gun.

Amanda: Phil!

Phil: What, is something buttocks?

Amanda: Why are you shooting at us?

Phil: I have no idea what you're PENIS PENIS PENIS - LARGE TITTIES - ANAL PLEASURE - AMPUTEE PORN!

Steroids Man: What the smurf have you been downloading Dougette?

Dougette: Listen, I have a very broad porno palette. I like a little of everything.

Phil: HARDCORE BONDAGE - BESTIALITY - JAPANESE HENTI - STEROIDS tickle fight!!!!

Everyone looks at Steroids Man.

Steroids Man: Ok ... one of those was mine, but the rest was Dougette!

Phil: Guys... you better run before I give you a golden shower!

Steroids Man: What?

Suddenly more guns come out of the walls and begin shooting as everyone panics and runs.

They all go into the dining room and metal doors slam down.

Dougette: We're trapped in the dining room!

Suddenly a door opens in the wall and a flame thrower comes out and shoots fire. Everyone ducks.

Amanda: We're going to die!

Robot: I GOT AN IDEA!

The robot rips the floor apart to create a hole to the basement.

Robot: EVERYONE FOLLOW ME!

They all crawl under the flame thrower and fall into the hole in the dinning room floor and arrive in the basement injured.

Dougette: Now what?

Suddenly the robot twitches and begins talking in Phil's voice.

Robot Phil: Listen to me everyone.

Dougette: Everyone run, Phil has taken over the robot!

Robot Phil: I'm on your side! I'm Phil's backup inside the robot and I'm not infected with the virus!

Amanda: We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

Dougette: I wish DeShaun was still living here!

Amanda: Why?

Steroids Man: Who the hell is DeShaun?

Dougette: Because the black guy always dies first in any horror movie I have ever seen. It's hard to tell where we stand without a black guy.

Suddenly Rufus, Phil's black body guard falls through the ceiling covered in blood and is clearly dead.

Dougette: We're doomed!

Robot Phil: We have to make it to the control room!

They run to the control room where there is a a bunch of buttons and control panels and a monitor display with infected Phil.

Phil: What are you guys doing inside my vagina?

Robot Phil: We're going to try to fix you!

The robot plugs a cord into the main computer controlling all of the mansion.

Robot Phil: Oh no... the oxygen system has been cut.... there's only a half hour of breathable oxygen in here at best.

Steroids Man: Let's just smash this computer up!

Robot Phil: NO!!!! If you do that then we will never be able to get the doors open or the oxygen restored, you will all die!

Amanda: WHAT THE smurf DO WE DO ALREADY?

Robot Phil: We have to try to eradicate the virus in the system.

Phil: NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!

Dougette: hahahahahahahahh!!!

Amanda: STOP LICKING YOUR smurf MOUTH!!!

Robot Phil: Listen everyone... I can't go into the computer to fight this virus because if I become infected then you all will die.

Steroids Man: So what do we do?

Robot Phil: I'm going to have to connect you directly to the digital world to fight this virus.

Dougette: What?

Robot Phil: The three of you will have your brains connected to the computer. You will enter the digital world and try to beat the virus monster in a fight.

Steroids Man: This sounds retarded.

Dougette: We're trapped inside a bad episode of Star Trek!

Amanda: How do we get in there? I'm ready to kick some bottom!

Robot Phil: I'm going to have to jam the prong end of these cords deep into your ear so it interfaces with your brain.

Dougette: That sounds painful....

Suddenly the robot jams a cord into Amanda, Steroids Man and Dougette's ears as they scream and their eyes shut.

Robot Phil: Good luck everyone!

Phil: They will never get past my nipples!

Robot Phil: Shut up!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We show a strange setting... a blue background and the floor looks like a grid or a mother board. Amanda, Dougette and Phil are here but are in 3D.

Steroids Man: We're inside the computer?

Dougette: Trippy.

Amanda: We have to look for the porno virus and kill it to save us all.

Steroids Man: Ok.

They look around giant circuit towers and strange things inside the digital world. Then they see a figure destroying the motherboard and tearing down circuit towers.

Steroids Man: There it is... the porno virus......

They all gaze upon it... a large blob that is covered by breasts with nipples exposed.

Amanda: That's it, let's destroy it!

They all run toward the porno virus as the virus screams and screeches. They kick and punch at it as they get smacked by the breasts and thrown around.

Steroids Man: This thing is strong!

Dougette: This thing is sexy!

Amanda goes to throw a drop kick and bounces off and crashes into a wall. Suddenly the nipples begin to shoot lasers and Steroids Man gets hit and explodes.

Amanda: Steroids Man!

**

In the real world, the plug in Steroids Man's ear explodes and Steroids Man goes flying against the wall.

**

Dougette begins laughing.

Dougette: Haha! It's still ticklish in here!

Dougette gets shot by a laser.

**

Dougette gets blown out of the digital world and flies against the wall. Dougette and Steroids Man stumble to get up and are bleeding from the ears.

Steroids Man: What happened?

Robot Phil: You guys both lost... it's all up to Amanda now....

Dougette: *gasping* guys... it's getting hard to breathe in here!

**

Amanda faces the porno virus.

Amanda: It's all up to me!

Suddenly the virus shoots lasers at Amanda as she ducks and dodges.

Amanda: hey... I think I am getting the hang of this world!

Amanda begins to engage the virus and throws some kicks and some breasts explode off the monster.

**

Steroids Man: *choke* ... what's going on?

Robot Phil: She's winning!

**

Amanda: Yes! Take this! *kick* and THIS *kick*!

Amanda beats the crap out of the virus and lifts it high up in the air and throws it into circuit towers.

Amanda: This is phenomenal! The power!

**

Steroids Man and Dougette are sweating and gasping for air.

Robot Phil: Guys, she's going to win. She's doing amazing!

**

The porno virus is all injured and struggling.

Amanda: Time to die!

Amanda somehow manages to shoot an energy beam at the virus and it explodes and is destroyed!

Amanda: Yes, yes, YES!!!! I love this world!!!! I'm unstoppable!

**

Robot Phil: She won! Now I can work on repairing the system!

The robot begins to work with the computer and suddenly the lights flicker and Amanda's face appears on the large screen, replacing Phil's.

Steroids Man: What the .... *large breath* ... hell is going on?

Robot Phil: Ummm..... Amanda. You won. You can leave the digital world now.

Amanda: But I like it in here! This is better than crack.

Robot Phil: Uh oh....

Suddenly lights flicker and she laughs an evil laugh. We see lights flickering all over town including traffic lights.

Robot Phil: Stop it!

Dougette: What's going on?

Robot Phil: She's spreading to the whole internet... taking everything over! She's become too powerful!

Amanda: THIS IS A HIGH I HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED IN MY WHOLE LIFE!

All over the world strange things are happening.

-We show traffic lights going crazy causing car accidents.

-Computer monitors and televisions exploding.

-Cell phones catching on fire.

-Transformers on telephone polls catching fire, sparking and exploding.

-A man who is struggling to open a bag of chips.

Man: Son of a jabberwocky... my chips.... they are sealed shut!

The man struggles and struggles.

Man: Something is wrong... very wrong.

Suddenly an airplane crashes into his house as the navigation system shorted out.

We go back to Dougette, Steroids Man and Robot Phil all watching in horror as Amanda becomes super powerful and takes over the world.

Steroids Man (very weak): Do something....

Robot Phil goes to Amanda and rips out the cord connecting her to the digital world and she screams and passes out as everything returns to normal and the digital world is back to normal. Traffic lights now work and etc.

Robot Phil repairs the system and restores oxygen and etc as Dougette and Steroids Man sit up and breath a sigh of relief.

Steroids Man: Oh man.... thank goodness that's over. Is Amanda ok?

Robot Phil: Yes, she will be. But I'm concerned about her mind. I think she may be on drugs....

Suddenly Phil appears on the monitor.

Phil: Yes! I'm back! Good work Phil!

Robot Phil: Back at ya Phil!

Steroids Man: Ok, bring the robot back, I can't deal with this multiple Phil business.

The robot twitches and is back to normal.

Robot: YES!!!! IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK!

Phil: It's so good to have those viruses out of me and be back to normal. Sorry everyone. And Dougette, no more downloading porn ok?

Amanda sits up and feels her head.

Amanda: Ow... my head......

Everyone gives Dougette a dirty look as this was all his fault really.

Dougette: Guys! I did it! Look!

Dougette opens his mouth and shows everyone how he is licking the roof of his mouth, toward his tonsils.

Dougette: I'm no longer ticklish there now, I've done it enough that I built up a resistance to it! Do you think I can count this as an epiphany?

~~~~~~

Dougette wakes up in a random ditch somewhere covered in punch and kick marks and is extremely smurf up.

Dougette: Ouch.... who beat the crap out of me?

[Wesley]

Fun and crazy! I liked the two Phils taking care of business. I disliked that some typos and usage errors are finding their way back in here. Amanda becoming Jobe from Lawnmower Man was pretty cool. I was expecting her to use a giant dildo to destroy the porn virus. Or put a condom on to protect herself or something.

[Clarence]

The typing errors were only present because of Amanda's worldwide carnage on the internet!