Chapter 104 --> Oceans Jeff

[Clarence]

The camera shows the inside of the control room of a large Naval ship. We see a man in a sailor uniform piloting the ship from behind.

Man at controls: Captain, did you figure out what the disturbance was?

There's a silence and the man at the controls spins around in his seat and faces the camera as the camera draws closer.

Man at controls: You're not the captain!

A hand draws from the bottom of our view to reveal a knife in hand that sticks in the control man's neck and blood squirts out all over.

We then pan to a hand that reaches out and holds a large gas can and gas gets poured everywhere and we then zoom out to see multiple navy ships on fire and sinking.

~~~~

Steroids Man: Ouch! My tooth hurts so bad!

~~~~

Dougette is driving down the road when suddenly something strange happens to her.

Dougette: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT'S IT!!!

Dougette swerves all over the road and brings the car to a stop on the shoulder and gets out, leaving the door open and runs like hell.

~~~~

The two newest house-mates, DeShaun and Dave are watching TV together.

DeShaun (Flipping through the channels): This is why I never had cable, there's never anything good on TV.

DeShaun flips to a news station as he and Dave look on. Dave is high again.

Tv News: The President is more concerned than ever as more Navy ships have been destroyed through out the night.

Dave: LIAR!!! LIAR!!! LIAR!!!!!!! GO TO HELL TELEVISION OF LIES!!!!

Dave kicks the TV across the room and it explodes against the wall.

DeShaun: What the smurf was that?!?!

Dave: What was what?

DeShaun: You just kicked the TV across the room.

Dave: No I didn't.

DeShaun: Yes you did!

Dave: Never happened.

Steroids Man enters the room feeling his cheek as he has a very sore tooth.

Steroids Man: What the hell happened to the TV?

Steroids Man looks at Dave and then DeShaun on the couch wearing pajamas.

Steroids Man (To DeShaun): Who the smurf are you!? INTRUDER IN THE HOUSE!!!

Amanda, the robot and Phil now enter the room from Steroids Man's intruder warning.

Phil: Where's the intruder?

Steroids Man: This mysterious man is on our couch!

Phil: That's DeShaun...

Steroids Man: Who the hell is that?

DeShaun: It's me, formerly Metal Face, remember!!? It was only last night I moved in here.

Steroids Man: Sorry Devon.... you weren't wearing those red pajamas before....

DeShaun: How the smurf do you always forget who I am? I am trying to turn my life around and move past my failed attempt of being a super villain, but you make me SO MAD!!!

Phil: Come on DeShaun, just forgive him. He has a short term memory or something.

Dave: I remember this guy. *smokes a joint* ... where am I?

DeShaun: I'm not forgiving him, I will NEVER forgive him for what he did to me!

Phil: You need to buddy, this will push you forward greatly in turning your life around and leaving the past behind.

DeShaun: It goes against every fiber of my being... you know how many years I spent hating this guy? Can you even begin to imagine?

Suddenly Dougette busts in from outside and distracts everyone.

DeShaun: Thank Goodness.

Dougette: You guys, you won't believe it!!!

Amanda *sigh*, What? Are you a cat-woman again?

Dougette: Even better! You guys, I was driving down the road and I somehow got this great idea come to me! Finally after all these years, I know how to end that book I'm writing!

Robot: I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE WRITING A BOOK...

Dougette: I am and FOREVER I have been trying to figure out an ending for it, and then while driving for no reason it just came to me! It's the greatest feeling ever!

Phil: You know what that is? You had an epiphany! You came to the realization of something great and found the last piece of the puzzle.

Dougette: This is so great! I'm going to go finish my book!

Dougette runs upstairs and the robot follows and Steroids Man goes in the kitchen with Amanda while Dave continues to smoke weed. Phil talks to DeShaun.

Phil: Ok, DeShaun, get ready because I got you a job today!

DeShaun: What?

Phil: Yeah, I got you a real job, down at the mall. Your next step to your new life.

DeShaun: I .... a real job? Already? I mean I want to have a successful life for a change but this seems like such a fast transition. I was only a super-villain yesterday...

Phil: Listen, you can do this. Get dressed and let's go.

DeShaun: I don't have any clothes... all I had was that old Metal Face costume...

Phil: But where did you get those pajamas.... oh wait... those are mine, aren't they?

DeShaun: Again, I was just a super villain yesterday. Sorry I stole your clothes.

Phil: Ok, you can BORROW more of my clothes to wear for this job.

DeShaun: I really don't want to do this today.

Phil: Well you have too. I'm going to make it my goal to fix you. You need to do this for me, I could have thrown you in jail, after all you did kill an innocent woman yesterday. If she wasn't such a chain-smoker and probably near death anyway, it would be more serious.

DeShaun: Oh big deal, Steroids Man killed way more innocent people then I ever have. Even at my worst and while attempting to be a super villain I was never as bad as that guy. Hell, I even saved the world one time. I pressed the button that nuked the giant monster (end of season 3) and what did he ever do? I hate that guy so much! I don't even have to try to be a better person than him.

Dave: Guys? Can you go talk somewhere else. This is really boring and ruining my buzz.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man is in the kitchen with Amanda eating a chocolate and caramel sundae covered in sugar cubes.

Steroids Man: OOOOUUUUUUUCHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Amanda: Your tooth again?

Steroids Man: Yes! It hurts so bad I can't figure out why.

Amanda: You're going to the dentist, today!

Steroids Man: You know I never been to a dentist before! It's scary!

Amanda: After all the shazam! and dangerous stuff you been through, you can't be scared of a dentist!

Steroids Man: I just don't trust dentists.... what if he tries to take advantage of me?

Amanda: What?

Steroids Man: I'm afraid the dentist may violate me while I'm on the table.

Amanda: Whatever.

Amanda makes a call to a dentist that owes her a favour as she saved his dog or something.

Amanda: There, you got an appointment in 1 hour.

Steroids Man: What?

Amanda: It's at Dr. Cummings' office on the west side.

Steroids Man: What's his name?

Amanda: Dr. Cummings.

Steroids Man looks at her and frowns.

Amanda: Oh come on!

~~~~~

Dougette is in his room writing the end of his book when suddenly something happens...

Dougette: It can't be...

Dougette drops her pencil and jumps back out of her chair and lifts up her dress to expose her robot legs.

Dougette: I know how to fix my robot legs!

Dougette has been having problems with his robot legs recently that even Phil couldn't figure out. He gets a small tool kit and does some work to it and then stands up and jumps around and does flips and other amazing stuff.

Dougette: Two epiphanies in one day? Most people never get any their whole lives! I can't believe it!

~~~~~~~

Phil arrives at the mall with DeShaun. They are both dressed in similar business type outfits. They meet another guy in a blue business suit. He works for the credit card company.

CC Boss: Hey there.

Phil shakes his hand and so does DeShaun and they talk business.

Phil: This is DeShaun Black, we talked over the phone. He is eager to do this job and I thank you again for this opportunity.

CC Boss: No problem, thank you for saving my dog that time!

Phil: Any time, I'll leave so you can show him the ropes.

Phil leaves.

DeShaun: By the way my name is not DeShaun Black... it's .... Kenny.

CC Boss: Oh, and your last name?

DeShaun: ... Bill.

CC Boss: Ok .... Kenny Bill...

(DeShaun is so used to being a criminal and not using his real name that he feels uncomfortable hence the fake name)

DeShaun: So, what's the job then?

CC Boss: At the recommendation of your friend (Phil), I will hire you to work this booth and get people to sign up for our credit card.

DeShaun (disappointingly): Oh....

CC Boss: As it's your first day we won't give you a big quota, just get comfortable with it and see how many of these forms you can get filled out. Good luck!

And with that DeShaun begins his first real job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dougette is biking in the woods with his favourite pedal bike when suddenly....

Dougette: OH MY GOODNESS!!!

Dougette loses control of the bike and crashes into a tree.

Dougette: I don't believe it .... a THIRD epiphany!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amanda is walking by Dave's room when she hears him singing the YMCA song very loudly.

Amanda: Hmm???

Dave's door is ajar and she pushes it open and peeks inside. She is shocked at what she finds.

Amanda: Dave!! What the hell are you doing?

Dave is in a light blue sailor uniform with a silly sailor hat and is sitting on a small chair with a small table that is covered in cocaine. Dave is lifting his head up as cocaine powder trickles down.

Amanda: No!!! This is too much! It's bad enough that you smoke weed here when I'm a police officer, but now cocaine? I'm going to have to arrest you!

Dave stands up and has an extra crazy look in his eye.

Amanda: Turn around and put your hands behind your back, Dave!

Dave (weird new voice): Oh... I'm sorry, this isn't Dave.

Amanda: .... Maverick?

Dave: No, not Maverick either.

Amanda: What....

Dave: This is .... OCEANS JEFF!

Amanda: What the hell?

Dave now in his new persona of Oceans Jeff begins to fight Amanda. They exchange blows and knock each other into furniture and trash Dave's room. Nobody else is home to hear the commotion and the fight ensues until the room is trashed and both fighters bloody.

Oceans Jeff slams Amanda through the dresser destroying it and causing pieces of wood to fly all over. He then beats her down.

In the end, Oceans Jeff stands over Amanda as she rests against the wall.

Amanda: you son of a jabberwocky!

Oceans Jeff: Calm down, everything will be ok.

Amanda: What are you going to do?

Oceans Jeff: You're going to keep my secret.

Amanda: Why should I?

Oceans Jeff: Because if you betray me, I will tell Steroids Man you snorted cocaine with me!

Amanda: I would never do that.

Oceans Jeff kicks a bag of cocaine over to Amanda and then pulls out a harpoon gun of some kind and aims it at her.

Oceans Jeff: Snort it.

Amanda: No!!!!

Oceans Jeff: Oh come on, you know you miss it!

Amanda: What are you talking about?

Oceans Jeff: I know about your questionable past. Your life of crime and drugs. You can't tell me you don't miss the blow!

Amanda: I won't.

Oceans Jeff: If you want to see your husband again you will!

Amanda looks down at the bag of cocaine and her past flashes back to her.... she looks up at Oceans Jeff with a tear in her eye.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dougette is in the park with The Robot.

Dougette: How you doing?

Robot: I'M DOING FINE!

Dougette: Just making sure your doing well, especially after the tragic loss of your girlfriend.

Robot: WHAT GIRLFRIEND?

Dougette: Dirty Donna....

Robot: I HAVE NO RECORD OF THIS...

Dougette: Access your deleted files and restore any information regarding Dirty Donna.

The robot accesses his memory banks and cries.

Robot: DIRTY DONNA!!! NOOOOOO............

Dougette: There, there.

Robot: WHY DID YOU MAKE ME RELIVE THIS?

Dougette: Because I wanted to console you.

Dougette hugs the robot as he cries and then....

Dougette: NO WAY!!!!! IT CAN'T SERIOUSLY BE!!!

Dougette jumps up and screams and runs away.

In the distance we hear....

Dougette: EPIPHANY!!!!

Dougette runs and knocks someone down in the process.

The Robot: OHHH............. OH NO.... MULTIPLE DISAPPOINTMENT APPLICATIONS STARTING....

~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man is prepped for his tooth operation and laying on the table with his mouth propped open.

Dr. Cummings: This is quite the operation and will be painful.... you 100% sure you don't want to be put under?

Steroids Man: Oh, you would like that, wouldn't you?

Dr. Cummings: Yes I would, because I don't think you will be able to handle this procedure awake.

Steroids Man: You're the one who can't handle keeping your hands off my sexy body!

Dr. Cummings: Whatever, just get comfortable in the chair and I'll begin.

Steroids Man: NO!!! I'm going to get even less comfortable!

Dr. Cummings: *sigh*...

~~~~~~~~~~

DeShaun is at a credit card booth at the mall trying desperately to make a sale and he's half way through his shift. The boss comes along.

Boss: Hows it going?

DeShaun: Still no sales...

Boss: Well there's still time. I mean this being your first day and all there's no real pressure but.... you probably should at least make one sale. Or I'm firing you.

The boss leaves and DeShaun is freaking out because there's a chance he could fail his first real job. After failing for years at a crappy super villain career, he's not prepared to fail again. He's tired of a life of failure.

A guy comes over to the credit card table.

DeShaun: Want to sign up for this wonderful Zot credit card and receive 50 Zot bonus points for your first purchase?

Guy: mmmmmm.... no thanks.

DeShaun reaches over and grabs the guy's shirt.

DeShaun: PLEASE!!!!!

Guy: No! Get away from me weirdo!

The guy pushes DeShaun over.

DeShaun: That's it!

DeShaun grabs the application papers and runs out the door.

There's a guy outside having a cigarette when suddenly DeShaun's arm comes out and the smoker gets punched out. DeShaun rolls the unconscious guy over and steals his wallet and uses the information to fill out a credit card application. After he's done he puts the wallet back in the man's butt pocket and runs off.

A woman walking in the parking lot suddenly gets shoved by DeShaun and her purse gets stolen.

~Phil is at the park with his laptop. DeShaun doesn't know that Phil has a tracking device planted on him. On the laptop we see a dot moving around frantically on a satellite view map.

Phil: Wow, don't know what he's doing running around in a parking lot.... but he better not try to run away or he's going to jail.

~Back at the parking lot, a man gets in his car and starts it when DeShaun pops up from the back seat and punches the guy in the chin. The driver crashes his car into another and DeShaun steals the wallet and runs.

DeShaun hides in the bathroom filling out credit card applications with stolen information from over 20 people.

~~~~~~~~

Dougette is eating a foot long sandwich and is about a quarter through it sitting in an outside eating area of a restaurant.

Dougette: This sandwich is delicious!

Suddenly Dougette stops chewing and the smile is gone from her face.

Dougette: Oh no.... not now.... come on!

Dougette spits out his sandwich meat.

Dougette: No ... I was really enjoying that sandwich, why did I have to get an epiphany now?

Dougette stands up and slams his chair into the table and tosses his sandwich aside.

Dougette: I'm so smurf sick of epiphanies....

~~~~~~

Steroids Man comes home a little later than expected and is talking funny from his teeth surgery.

Steroids Man: Sorry I'm late, I had to save a dog on the way home.

Steroids Man looks over to see Amanda on the couch all smurf up looking and crying.

Steroids Man: Holy crap, are you ok?

Amanda: *crying* I'm so sorry....

Suddenly Dave enters the room in a light blue navy costume and with his hair slicked back and holding a microwave.

Steroids Man: Dave? What's going on?

Oceans Jeff: Oh this isn't Dave.

Steroids Man: What do you mean? Maverick?

Oceans Jeff: Maverick is dead! I killed him! And I kidnapped Dave.

Steroids Man: I trusted you Dave....

Suddenly Dave changes voices back to his regular Dave voice.

Dave (tear in his eye): Sorry Steroids Man ... he overpowered me.

Steroids Man: What the smurf does that even mean?

Oceans Jeff: Dave, Maverick, Basketball Larry, all those people were weak! Oceans Jeff is here and nobody will stop me!

Steroids Man: Who is Basketball Larry?

Oceans Jeff: SHUT YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME!

Oceans Jeff freaks out and throws the microwave at Steroids Man's freshly operated on mouth. Steroids Man's face explodes and it rains down teeth and blood all over.

Amanda: Steroids Man!

Oceans Jeff: YES!!!! FEEL THE WRATH OF OCEANS JEFF!

Oceans Jeff dances a jig and runs up the wall and does a flip and lands back down on his feet. Oceans Jeff grabs a gun and aims it at Steroids Man who is next to Amanda on the couch.

Amanda: Put the gun down!

Oceans Jeff: I'm going to kill you Steroids Man and then force your wife to do more crack while I laugh and laugh!

Steroids Man: What?

Amanda: Put the gun down! Please!!!

Oceans Jeff: I'm the king of the ocean, yOU CAN'T TALK TO ME LIKE THIS!!!!

Steroids Man: DAVE, PLEASE!!! YOU NEED TO STOP THIS!

Oceans Jeff: Dave works for me now! You're not getting out of this!

Oceans Jeff looks down as the arm holding the gun is slowing moving toward the ground.

Oceans Jeff: No, what are you doing!?

Steroids Man and Amanda are watching and are very disturbed.

Oceans Jeff: Dave, stop it!

Ocean Jeff is now pointing a gun at his foot.

Dave: No! I'm going to shoot your foot off! I'm not going to let you or Maverick, or anyone else torture my friends anymore!

Basketball Larry (child's voice): Good for you Dave, take our life back!

Oceans Jeff: You leave me no choice Dave!

As Dave/Oceans Jeff aims a gun at his own foot with his right hand, the left hand slowly moves toward their mouth.

Dave: What are you doing?

Oceans Jeff: Move the gun away from my foot, or I'll chew your hand off!

Dave: You wouldn't!

Oceans Jeff: Oh yeah? Watch this!

Oceans Jeff begins to chew his own hand off and actually rips a few fingers off and then Dave shoots his own foot.

Dave: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Steroids Man: Holy crap!

Dave: I'm so sorry guys! I really, really mean it!

Dave hops out the door leaving a trail of blood behind from his shot foot and his half missing left hand. Amanda and Steroids Man watch from the window as Dave hops into a random car and drives off.

Amanda and Steroids Man hug each other and have a lengthy embrace from a horrifying experience.

~~~~~~~~

DeShaun runs back to his selling booth at the mall and is a little disheveled and sweaty and has a few punch marks. He organizes and straightens a pile of credit card applications. The boss approaches.

Boss: Hey there... how is it going?

DeShaun: Great! I have all these credit card applications filled out!

Boss: What? That's impossible! Nobody ever sells that many in one day! What's going on?

We pan to a beat up man with a security guard pointing to DeShaun.

Beat up guy: That's the guy! That's the guy who beat me up and stole my money!

(DeShaun also robbed a bunch of people because of his criminal background... he just can't help but think like a criminal to figure out any situation)

Boss: Ok Kenny, what's the meaning of all this?

We look over to see DeShaun is in the far distance running out the door.

~~~~~~~~~

Dougette is in front of the mirror pleasuring herself.

Dougette: Yeah, oh yeah, work it baby!

Suddenly....

Dougette: Oh come on, not now of all times!

Dougette sees a vision of the robot in the mirror and has a severe orgasm and falls to her knees and comes to a great realization.

Dougette: I'm in love with the robot!!

~~~~~~~

Late at night at 3 am after everyone is sleeping off a crazy day..... Amanda gets up and sneaks into a private room.

In the room Amanda takes out some cocaine and snorts it.

~~~~~~~~




....

At a secret location, Revenge has a secret lab built up and a kidnapped Dr. Bad in a bed. Revenge has been working with Dr. Bad ever since he kidnapped him. Revenge did some research and discovered that Dr. Bad has perfect DNA from a stolen military drug.....

Revenge (taking some syringes of strange liquid): You are the key.... if I can unlock your secrets I can possibly use your perfect DNA to cure me of my problems!

Dr. Bad: Will you please cuddle with me?

Revenge: Damn you, you senile old bastard!

Dr. Bad: My elderly penis hurts and it's damp in here.

Revenge: No worries, I'll get through to you!

Here is the story in case you are confused: Revenge (formerly Wheels) used mutant DNA and cybernetics to enhance himself and become a super human and walk again to defeat Steroids Man, however his body has rejected these enhancements. He's dying. After discovering Dr. Bad's genetic enhancements and freakishly long life span, he plans to learn more to cure himself. The only problem is that Dr. Bad is too senile to be of use.

Revenge: This special serum I created will help you remember the exact terms and details of how you acquired your perfect DNA. Soon you'll help me cure myself and then I can once again focus on Steroids Man!

Revenge injects Dr. Bad with something to enhance his brain cells and recover his memories and then waits hours.

Dr. Bad: I got to make poo poos.

Revenge: Damn it! This should have worked! I need to go get more items!

Revenge leaves Dr. Bad alone in the lab in his bed and locks the door and leaves to come back later.

Dr. Bad gets up out of bed when Revenge leaves and has a look of clarity on his face that we haven't seen from the elderly Dr. Bad.

Dr. Bad goes over to the table with Revenge's syringes (needed to prevent Revenge's Death) and picks up one of them and does an evil smile.

Dr. Bad: WaHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~to be continued

[Wesley]

I wonder what the rewards program is for a ZOT credit card.

I need to get some of that action.

[Clarence]

It's a good program, but the credit card's interest is sooo high.