Chapter 107 --> Phil vs Phil

[Clarence]

Steroids Man and Amanda are driving to the next town.

Steroids Man: I can't wait to try these new steroids.

Amanda: Why do you have to drive so far to get them??

Steroids Man: I don't know... but thanks for keeping my company!

Amanda: I guess, but this is pretty boring.

Steroids Man: Well how can we make it more fun?

Amanda: How about we play a driving game?

Steroids Man: Ok, what game?

Amanda: We'll do the A through Z game. Just spot the letter A on a sign or whatever and then we keep trying to find the next letter.

Steroids Man: Ok.

As Steroids Man drives he spots the letter A.

Steroids Man: There it is, Exit to Alextown!

Amanda: Good..... oh, there's the letter B!

Steroids Man: C!

Suddenly Amanda punches Steroids Man hard in the arm. Steroids Man swerves his vehicle for a second.

Steroids Man: What the hell?

Amanda: Punch Buggy, no punch back!

Steroids Man: Be careful, I'm driving.

Amanda: D!

Suddenly Amanda punches Steroids Man in the arm again.

Amanda: Doubles!

Steroids Man: What the hell is doubles?

Amanda: You see a license plate with 2 consecutive letters or numbers and you punch the other guy.

Steroids Man: That doesn't sound right...

Amanda: Oh look! E! ... F! PUNCH BUGGY!

Amanda punches again and Steroids Man is having a hard time driving.

Amanda: G!!!!!! DOUBLES!!! H!!!! Oh, look, PADIDDLE!!

As Amanda shouts PADIDDLE she slaps the roof of the car.

Amanda: Now take off your shirt!

Steroids Man: What?

Amanda: When you see a vehicle with one headlight you yell PADIDDLE and slap the roof of the car, and the last one to do so must remove an article of clothing!

Steroids Man: What the hell kind of game is that?

Amanda: TAKE OFF YOUR smurf SHIRT! PUNCH BUGGY *punch*

Steroids Man nervously takes off his shirt while trying to drive.

Amanda: I!!!! PUNCH BUGGY!!! J!!!! K!!!! PUNCH BUGGY, NO PUNCH BACK, DOUBLES!!!!! L!!!! M!!!! PADIDDLE, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS!

Steroids Man: Holy crap!

Steroids Man desperately tries to take his pants off when a firetruck drives by.

Amanda: FIRETRUCK!!! HEADBUTT, NO HEADBUTT BACK!

Steroids Man: Huh?

Amanda head-butts Steroids Man and he drives into a ditch.

Steroids Man is in his underwear covered in bruises in a ditch and looks over to Amanda.

Amanda: Well that was fun.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Dougette is brushing her hair with her one arm at a bench outside of Ludicrous Industries.

Suddenly a cat with a top hat runs up to her and scratches her arm and then runs off.

Dougette: What the smurf? Not again!

Suddenly the cat in the black tall top hat gets shot in the back of the head. We look over to see Captain Ludicrous holding a smoking gun next to his lab assistant, Murray.

Dougette: What's going on?

Captain Ludicrous: Did he scratch you?

Dougette: Yes.

Captain Ludicrous: Oh no... you have the DNA of Abraham Lincoln inside of you!!!

Dougette: Is that bad?

Captain Ludicrous: Just go home and take it easy. And do not go to any theaters!

Dougette: Ok.

Dougette leaves and Captain Ludicrous talks to Murray.

Murray: I don't know why we have a cat door if you don't want the experimental cats to escape all the time.

Captain Ludicrous: Let's just go back to the lab and finish the rest of our work.

Murray: ok.

~~~~~~~~~~

We show a news broadcast where a reporter is interviewing some guy.

Interviewer: We have here, with us today, the world's most evilest man.

Evilest Man: Hello.

Interviewer: So, what is it like being the world's most evilest man?

Evilest Man: It's not bad.

Interviewer: If I must say, you hardly seem evil at all.

Evilest Man: No, I am. I'm quite nasty.

Interviewer: Well, you got me fooled!

Evilest Man: Indeed I do.

Interviewer: Well, for my next questi....

The World's evilest man suddenly generates a knife out of thin air and stabs the interviewer in the throat causing blood to fly out all over. The world's evilest man then takes a gun and begins shooting people.

We pan out to another news broadcast explaining this.

Reporter: And the world's evilest man is still at large, primarily attacking news corporations who try to interview him at this time.

We pan out again to see this is being shown on Steroids Man's TV.

Suddenly Phil's face is on the screen.

Phil: Steroids Man!

Steroids Man screams and flings his popcorn all over.

Phil: How you doing?

Steroids Man: Oh come on, you're on the TV now? You already got monitors for yourself all over the mansion!

We then see a cord running to the TV and Steroids Man unplugs it. Phil's face disappears from the TV and is now on the large wall monitor.

Steroids Man: What do you want?

Phil: Were you watching that broadcast?

Steroids Man: I was.

Phil: Well? World's most evilest man? Doesn't that sound like a job for Steroids Man?

Steroids Man: I already defeated the world's evilest man before.

Phil: If you're referring to Prisoner X, he is already long dead. Therefore, this is the new world's evilest man.

Steroids Man plops back down on the couch and looks relaxed.

Steroids Man: What's the point? If I defeat this evilest man, then there will just be a third evilest man and so on. It will never end. *munches on popcorn*

Phil: You're still a hero though.... don't you want to keep your status up?

Steroids Man: I'm just so tired.

Phil: Wow.

Suddenly Dougette busts in with a thick stubble.

Steroids Man: Dougette.... if you want to pull off being a woman you have to shave more often.

Dougette: What do you mean?

Dougette feels her beard in shock.

Phil: Hey, I don't remember you having a mole... and are you taller?

Dougette: I got to go!

Dougette runs to her room.

Suddenly the door busts open again and a wind gusts in and it gets darker, the cats all run away in fear and crows fly in.

Steroids Man: What the hell now?

Phil is standing in the doorway still wearing the clothes he was buried in.

Phil: I'm back.

Phil 2.0 and Steroids Man gasp.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amanda is in her police chief office doing cocaine. Suddenly there's a knock on her door and she quickly shovels all the evidence into a drawer of her metal desk and locks it.

Amanda (wiping her nose): Come in.

Jan comes in and sits down.

Jan: Hey Amanda, how are you doing?

Amanda: I'm fine, you?

Jan: I'm good.

Amanda: So... what do you want?

Jan: I've known you for a while and I consider you a good friend, that's why I have to do what I'm about to do.

Amanda: What are you talking about?

Jan: I've been watching you. I know.

Amanda: You know what? You don't know anything!

Jan: Listen, you have done a wonderful thing. You used to be a criminal / drug addict and turned your life around, became a cop and rose to the ranks of police officer...

Amanda: Thank you. Really nice, really nice.

Jan: You're on cocaine again though.

Amanda: No I'm not!! What is this?

Jan: Amanda, I know. I'm a good cop, I know. I can even prove it.

Amanda looks pissed.

Amanda: What are you going to do?

Jan: Well, let's talk about that.

Amanda is sweating and sinks her head into her hands, her hair is a mess.

Jan: I want your job.

Amanda: What?

Jan: You resign, and hand your position over to me. I know I can do this job great.

Amanda: You're trying to steal my job?

Jan: You're not fit. I really should turn you in right now.

Amanda: You just want a career bump!

Jan: Listen. Quit, promote me and leave. Get yourself cleaned up. Either that or go to jail, what will it be?

Amanda: smurf!

Jan: You turn your life around, and I may let you come back as a police officer. But this is your only way out of here.

Amanda slams down on her desk. She is devastated. She was so happy to make it to police chief and can't believe she got addicted to cocaine again and begins crying.

Amanda: Ok ... *sob* you can have my job.

~~~~~~~~~

Dougette is in his room now with a full on beard and very tall looking, his boobs have shrunk and more weird things are happening to him.

Dougette: what's going?

Dougette looks over to see a hand is growing out of her missing arm socket.

Dougette: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

~~~~~~~~~

Meanwhile, it appears the original Phil has come back to life and is now facing Steroids Man and Phil 2.0.

Steroids Man: Ok... what's going on? You died!

Phil: No I didn't.

Phil 2.0: You told me he died!

Steroids Man: Man, I seen a laser bean go right through your chest!

Phil: I was wearing some kind of a science thing to protect myself.

Steroids Man: No you weren't, and I actually seen a huge gaping hole through your chest!

Phil: I fixed it.

Steroids Man: Dude, we buried you in the ground! You were DEAD!

Phil: Shut up now.

Phil 2.0: This is some kind of imposter!

Phil: What the hell is this? Why is my face on this screen?

Steroids Man: It's the program you made of yourself... right?

Phil: Yes ... of course. One of my worst inventions I'm afraid. We will need to deactivate it immediately.

Steroids Man (Happily): Ok!

Phil 2.0: NO!!! Wait!!! THIS GUY IS NOT THE REAL PHIL!

Steroids Man: Well he's certainly more real than you.

Phil 2.0: Listen to me, this is very bizarre. Something is up.

Phil: Shut your mouth. Listen to ME, Steroids Man. That program is VERY faulty and needs to be shut down so I can fix it.

Phil 2.0: Don't shut me down! We need to figure out what's REALLY going on here! This could be a bad-guy plot to destroy you!

Steroids Man: I thought all the bad-guys I knew died...

Phil: Steroids Man, obey me and turn this very poor simulation off!

Steroids Man: Ok, ok, let's do this. I'm going to have a few drinks and we will sit down and I'll figure out which Phil we're keeping.

Phil and Phil 2.0 give each other a dirty look.

~~~~~~~~~~

Dougette has gone shopping and bought herself some new clothes. Something she usually likes to do when she needs to feel better.

Dougette also has her arm back and is very delighted by this. It grew back!

Dougette: I am so happy to have two arms again!

As she's walking down the street she comes across Amanda who is not in her police uniform and looks kind of messed up.

Dougette (kind of different voice): Amanda?

Amanda looks up and gazes upon Dougette to see a very tall man dressed in black with a long top-hat who looks exactly like Abraham Lincoln.

Amanda: Oh no! I'm tripping out!!!!

Amanda runs away.

Dougette: That was peculiar.

~~~~~~~~~~

There's a guy in a bench sitting down having lunch.

Guy: What a wonderful day! My acting lessons are coming along great!

Suddenly this cat with a very noticeable mustache runs along and scratches at the guy on the bench.

Guy: What the hell???

The cat runs into a nearby barn and Captain Ludicrous and Murray arrive at the scene.

Captain Ludicrous: Murray, you know what you have to do! Get that cat back alive!

Murray: Yes indeed.

Captain Ludicrous stays with the guy on the bench and they watch as Murray torches the barn with the cat inside. After a bit the cat runs outside on fire and Murray shoots him in the neck. The cat meows for a bit and then dies.

Captain Ludicrous: You were suppose to take him alive!!!!

Guy: What the hell is going on!!?!?

Captain Ludicrous: Hi there, what's your name?

Guy: My name is Harold, what's going on?

Captain Ludicrous: Did that cat scratch you?

Harold: Yes, he did, and it hurt! Who are you guys?

Captain Ludicrous: You should run along now.

Harold gets up and walks away confused.

Harold: You guys are WEIRD!

As Harold leaves, Murray goes up to Captain Ludicrous.

Murray: Uh oh.

Captain Ludicrous: Yeah uh oh, he now has the DNA of John Wilkes Booth in him.

Murray: Why do we do these horrible and ridiculous experiments? Maybe we need to stop this!

Captain Ludicrous: Before we have that discussion, let me show you my DistracTOAD.

Captain Ludicrous pulls a mysterious Toad out of his lab coat and holds it and the toad stares at him with glowing eyes.

Murray: I just think we are playing God too much, we're losing sight of ourselves.

Captain Ludicrous (Staring at the toad): Yes........ this toad .... is awesome.

Murray: Listen to me!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steroids Man is sitting on a comfy chair while drinking in a small room with Phil 2.0 on a flat-screen mounted to the wall, and regular Phil in a chair.

Steroids Man: Ok, let's do this.

Phil 2.0: Do you really have a sensible way of doing this?

Steroids Man: I'm just going to ask you guys some questions.

Phil 2.0: Good plan, ask a question that only the real Phil would know.

Phil gives a dirty look.

Steroids Man: No, not those type of questions.

Phil 2.0 frowns.

Steroids Man: Ok, as my manager how will you help me with my money?

Phil 2.0: Well we will have to make sure you spend your money wisely so as to protect your finances and not have you run out.

Steroids Man: And you?

Phil: I don't give a shazam! what you buy.

Phil 2.0 kind of smiles feeling like that answer proves he is an imposter.

Steroids Man: Really good answer.

Phil 2.0: What?

Steroids Man: Next question. Hang out time. How much time would you like to spend with me on average?

Phil 2.0: I think you're a great guy and would love to spend as much time together as you have. I can think of so many fun tings we can do.

Steroids Man: Yea..... and your answer?

Phil: I think you are the worst person ever and would like to spend as little time together as possible.

Steroids Man: Nice, really, really nice! I like it.

Phil 2.0: Wait a minute!

Steroids Man: I think we have our winner, welcome back Phil!

Steroids Man shakes Phil's hand and is surprised by something.

Steroids Man: Holy crap that's cold!

Phil: I knew you would make the right choice, now I can go ahead and turn this program off?

Phil 2.0: Wait!

Steroids Man: Yes please, I'm sick of his face being all over the mansion.

Phil 2.0: You can't do this!!

Phil: SHUT UP!!!

Phil does a hammer fist and smashes the monitor with extreme force and glass shatters and it gets shut off.

Steroids Man: I like this new Phil.

Suddenly we hear Phil 2.0 on the hallway monitor.

Phil 2.0: Steroids Man, please listen to me!

Phil goes in the hall and rips the monitor out of the wall and it falls to the floor and shatters.

Steroids Man: Sweet.

Suddenly we hear Phil 2.0 in the living-room.

Phil 2.0: Stop!!!!

Phil: smurf! Where is the source of this annoying program?

Steroids Man: Shouldn't you know, you built it.

Phil: Well.. that was a long time ago.

Steroids Man: It's in your office.

Phil: Ah yes, of course.

They enter the living room and Phil goes into his office and sees Phil 2.0 on a laptop with many wires attached to it. These wires are what connects him to the house. Steroids Man and Phil are both in the office looking at the laptop.

Phil goes over and rips all the cords out and is holding on to the laptop which is no longer connected to anything.

Phil 2.0: Steroids Man ... don't let him do this .... please...

Steroids Man pulls back from a large sip of a beer bottle.

Steroids Man: What was that? I was drinking a lot just now.

Phil takes the laptop and hurls it at the wall with tremendous strength and pieces fly off it. The laptop is on the floor badly damaged and Phil's face is still there but behind a cracked screen.

Phil 2.0: Steroids Man....

Phil jumps on the laptop and kicks it and then picks it up and smashes it hard into the corner of the desk and destroys it until it's in a million pieces and nothing is left.

Phil sits down in his office with a happy but somehow sinister look on his face.

Steroids Man: So....

Phil: Get the hell out of my office.

Steroids Man: Ok.

Steroids Man leaves.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dougette is walking down the street looking exactly like Abe Lincoln when he comes up to a theater.

Dougette: I have to see a movie! I just have to!!!

Dougette goes to buy a ticket.

Dougette: Just sell me whatever movie is playing next.

Ticket guy: What the hell..... whatever you say Mr. President *laughs*

Dougette: I'm not the president!

Ticket Guy: That will be 10 dollars.

Dougette pulls out a bunch of old looking currency.

Ticket Guy: What the.... all this money is from the civil war era, where did you even get this?

~~

Harold is at a store. Suddenly he has a mustache.

Harold: I would like to buy this gun please.

Cashier: Ok.....

~~ Dougette is in the dark theater eating popcorn in his full Abe Lincoln attire.

Guy in back seat: Hey, jackass! Take your hat off!

Dougette: Leave me alone!

Guy in back seat: You can't wear that top hat in here, I can't see.

Dougette: Then move seats!

Guy in back seat: unbelievable!

The guy moves and suddenly the back door opens and Harold sneaks in.

Dougette is watching the movie very intently having no idea that this Harold guy is sneaking up with a gun. Very suspenseful music starts playing on the actual big screen that lines up with the danger of Harold approaching.

Harold aims the gun at the back of Dougette's head.

Harold (thinking): I don't want to do this... but I feel like I got no choice!

Harold closes his eyes and squints hard and fires the gun on the back of Dougette's head.

Dougette: What the hell!

Dougette stands up and feels the back of his wet head in shock.

Movie watcher: Guys, stop it!

Some woman: You're ruining the movie!

Dougette: What have you done....

Harold: I'm so sorry...

Dougette: You sprayed me with water! And what is this, a water gun?

Harold: It was so hard not to buy a real gun, but I really didn't want to kill anybody!

Suddenly Harold's mustache falls off, at the same time, Dougette's beard and top hat fall off, along with her antique clothing and she suddenly gets shorter and her boobs return.

Dougette: The curse! It's broken!

Everyone boos and throws popcorn at Dougette and Harold.

Dougette: I'm so happy to be myself again!

Dougette raises her arms in triumph and one of them falls off.

Dougette: Oh, smurf me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Phil is in his office getting adjusted when he comes across a picture of Steroids Man on his bookshelf.

Phil gives the picture a dirty look and takes it and throws it in the trash.

[Wesley]

You have me very interested.

Firetruck Headbutt!

Seriously, wtf is going on with Phil?

[Clarence]

The answer will make you shazam! your pants!