Chapter 85 --> The Claw

[Clarence]

Amanda and Steroids Man are at the dollar tree store! Everything here is for a dollar and it's got Steroids Man VERY excited!

Steroids Man: Everything here is for a dollar, this got me VERY excited!

Amanda: Wow, for someone who has seemingly unlimited wealth, you're very excited to be at the dollar store.

Steroids Man: It's just amazing all the crazy stuff you can buy here.... look!!! Individual finger flashlights that come in different colours! This place takes credit card, right?

Amanda: No...

Steroids Man: Will you buy this stuff for me?

Amanda: *sigh* alright....

Steroids Man: What's this?

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/31J-scoshRL.jpg

Steroids Man sees a long handled reaching tool for sale. It has a grip on one end and a cord that runs down inside the long tubed handle to a squeezing section that you hold on to which works the grip end.

Steroids Man: This is awesome!

Steroids Man picks it up and begins to play with it, he picks up small items with it from far away.

Amanda: Some times you get amused so easily.

Steroids Man: Look!!!! I can pick things up without actually touching them! Look!!!! I can reach further and higher..... the things I can do with this are LIMITLESS!!! Please, please, PLEASE buy this for me!!!

Amanda: Fine!

They buy a bunch of cheap crap including Steroids Man's gripping tool and head home.

~~~~~~

We see inside the Steroids Mansion and the doorway in swings open to reveal Steroids Man and Amanda outside. Amanda has a bunch of bags and Steroids Man is only holding on to the reaching tool.

Steroids Man: Look!!! I opened the door without using my hands!!! I can do ANYTHING with this!

Amanda: Yeah... it only took ya 10 minutes...

Steroids Man: This is the greatest piece of technology that we have!

The Robot walks in the room.

Robot (hanging his head down): OH......

~~

Amanda is making supper.

Amanda: Hun, can you grab that can of corn from the top shelf?

Steroids Man: Of course I can!

Steroids Man of course uses his new reaching and gripping tool to grab the can from the top shelf and hand it to Amanda.

Steroids Man: I'm unstoppable now!

Amanda just looks at him like "what"?

~~~

Phil is working in his office when Doug walks in.

Doug: Hey Phil, do you have an aspirin or any more of that morphine? My missing leg still hurts.

Phil (not being able to see over his desk): How are you walking?

Phil stands up to see there is a mop where is missing leg is.

Doug: Steroids Man got tired of me complaining about my leg and attached a mop to my stump so I could still clean the place....

Phil: Wow.... Steroids Man is a major douchebag.

~~

Amanda is on the couch petting the cats, Max the orange cat and Conky the new black cat she got for Christmas.

Steroids Man: Awwww

Amanda: Look, they're both purring and in love with me!

Steroids Man: Let me pet the cats.

Steroids Man goes over to the cats with the reaching tool and Max gets scared and immediately runs away. Conky sticks around but Steroids Man pokes him in the eye with the end of his reaching tool and also runs away.

Amanda: Well.... so much for that moment.

Steroids Man: Let's see what's on TV.

Steroids Man picks up the remote with his reaching tool and begins to try to work the buttons with it.

Amanda: You're still not sick of that yet, huh?

Steroids Man: No, this is the greatest thing ever.

Amanda: Why don't you put it down?

Steroids Man: I CAN'T put it down... it's a part of me now.

Amanda: *sigh*

~~~

Phil is working in his office when suddenly the glass on the door is shattered and the gripper end of the reaching tool busts through.

Phil: AHHHHH!!!! What the hell is that?

Steroids Man comes in holding the reaching tool and opening and closing the end constantly.

Steroids Man: So..... notice anything different about me?

Phil: You're as crazy as ever?

Steroids Man: Look at my hand!

Steroids Man holds up his hand which is holding on to the reaching tool and Phil makes eye contact with his hand.

Steroids Man: I said look at my hand!!

Phil: I am!

Steroids Man: No.... my NEW HAND!!!!

Steroids Man uses the gripping tool and takes a pencil out of Phil's shirt pocket and jabs it into the exposed technology in Phil's head.

Phil: Hey!

Steroids Man: I have new powers, powers you can't even comprehend!!!

Phil: Anyone can buy one of those at a dollar store.... they're mostly for the elderly or slightly disabled.

Steroids Man: All it has done is make me extra abled!

~~

Some guy is at the park eating a sandwich when he gets PUNCHED IN THE FACE

Two thugs begin to kick the crap out of the sandwich eater and take his wallet.

One of the thugs turns around and gets a gripper in the eyes, the reaching arm gripper fits perfectly in both of the criminal's eye sockets simultaneously.

The criminal screams and falls to the ground and drops his wallet.

Criminal #2: What the smurf?

Steroids Mam smacks the second criminal in the face and starts hitting him with the reaching arm.

Criminal #2: Dude, stop that!

Steroids Man holds the reaching tool with both arms now and pushes hard into the criminal's throat knocking him to the ground, Steroids Man then chokes him with the bar of the reaching tool using both hands.

~~~

That night.....

Steroids Man and Amanda are getting frisky in bed.

Steroids Man is kissing Amanda all over.

Amanda: We can't Steroids Man..... we have to wait until our honeymoon for tickle fight!

Steroids Man: Come on baby.

Steroids Man starts feeling her up.

Amanda: Oh..... ok. This is the LAST time before our wedding ok? So make it count!

Steroids Man: Oh, we will.

Amanda: We?

Steroids Man starts groping Amanda and suddenly Amanda feels something cold on her bosom.

Amanda: What the hell?

Amanda looks down to see Steroids Man is groping Amanda's breasts with the reaching tool.

Amanda: WHAT THE smurf IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?!?!

Steroids Man: I'm pleasuring you!

Amanda: Go sleep on the couch!

Steroids Man lowers his head in disappointment and also lowers his reaching tool.

~~~

We see Steroids Man in the mirror holding on the the gripping tool looking kinda crazy.... messed up hair and dark circles under his eyes.

Steroids Man begins to wrap duct tape around the hand holding the reaching tool.

Steroids Man leaves and Doug comes in and sniffs all of Amanda's panties while she is still in bed in a deep sleep.

~~

Steroids Man is out going for a walk.

Steroids Man: huh?

Steroids Man looks over to see the reaching tool end is getting closer to his ear.... he begins to open and close the gripper as if it's whispering to Steroids Man.

Steroids Man: You want me to do what....... burn down buildings?

~~~

Steroids Man is in the couch room relaxing and moving things with the reaching tool. Suddenly The Manager projects himself into the room.

The Manager: It's time.... Amanda is heading to work shortly, we still have a lot of work to do in building my machine!

Steroids Man: We no longer listen to you Manager.

The Manager: We... what? What the hell is wrong with you NOW?

Steroids Man has a lot of duct tape on him, and is now holding on to two reaching arms, one in each hand. His hands are both covered in duct tape and he can not let go of the reaching tools.

Steroids Man: I have become more powerful than you, you no longer give me orders!

The Manager: Are you drunk or high, or what???

Steroids Man: Leave this place before you feel the full wrath of...... THE CLAW!

As Steroids Man refers to himself as the claw he opens and closes the grippers and thunder cracks in the background.

The Manager: Stop smurf around and help complete my task! You OWE ME!!!

Steroids Man: No.

The Manager: This is your last warning, help me or Amanda will suffer!

Steroids Man: You can't harm her, not as long as I have these! (opening and closing his grippers)

The Manager: You have made a fatal mistake my friend.

The Manager disappears.

Steroids Man: Exactly, you have nothing.

~~~

Amanda gets out of bed and is buttoning up her shirt.

Amanda: Oh... I have a really bad headache today.... I wonder why? (As Amanda says this she looks over at a picture of Steroids Man in her room)

Amanda begins to walk toward the steps.

Amanda: Oh.... I may just stay home today.

We hear evil laughter and Amanda looks around nervously.

Amanda: What was that?

Amanda goes to the stairs and takes her first step down when suddenly an unexplained wind picks up and pushes her down the stairs and for a moment a ghost of The Manager appears laughing.

Amanda crashes to the bottom of the stairs and is hurt badly, but nothing is broken.

Steroids Man comes running to Amanda's aid.

Steroids Man: Holy crap, are you ok?

Amanda: I'm on the floor!

Steroids Man: Let me help you up!

Steroids Man tries to pick her up using the gripping ends of the reaching arms but all it does is pinch at Amanda's skin.

Amanda: smurf OFF!!!!

Amanda gets up and dusts herself off.

Amanda: What the smurf is WRONG with you!?!

Steroids Man: Nothing baby, nothing as long as your with me.

Steroids Man gently brushes Amanda's hair back with the gripping end.

Amanda: I can't be with you when you're like this.

Steroids Man: Like what? I'm better than I have ever been!

Amanda: I'm leaving you. *cry*

Amanda walks away and takes off the engagement ring and leaves it on a table next to the door.

Amanda: *sob* Goodbye Steroids Man!

Amanda closes the door and is gone. Phil walks/mops his way into the room and is shocked at what just happened.

Steroids Man: She'll be back!

Steroids Man goes to grab a beer out of the fridge... he can't open it with his grippers so he bits the cap off (along with some glass) and spits it all out with some blood and begins to drink a cold beer.

Doug: Steroids Man.... do you realize what just happened?

Steroids Man: What? Tell me what you think happened just now.... HUMAN?

Doug: Amanda LEFT you!

Steroids Man (shaking his head): What............. no... no she didn't.

Doug: Look, she gave the ring back and everything!

Steroids Man: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steroids Man uses his gripping tools to grab a hold of Doug's neck. Doug has two gripping arms on his neck and it's actually choking him. Doug falls down because his mop leg is very slippery and Steroids Man gets on top and chokes him harder.

Doug: Steroids Man.... *cough*.... you're killing me!

Steroids Man: I don't care!

Doug passes out but is not dead.

Steroids Man gets up.

Steroids Man: Amanda left me... what am I going to do?

Steroids Man begins to move his right gripper, as if it's talking and then does a strange voice.

Right Gripper (Steroids Man's voice): You know what you must do now.

The left hand gripper now raises to Steroids Man's eye level and begins open and closing like a mouth.

Left Gripper: Take over the world!

Steroids Man: Yes..... it shall be done my masters!

Steroids Man leaves the room and The Manager looks on in shock.

The Manager: No.... Amanda can't leave him.... I will have nothing to hold against him! I must set this right!

~~~~~

At the dollar store, the cashier is counting the cash and getting ready to close for the night.

Cashier: All counted up and ready to go.

Boss: Good, it's been such a long day.

Suddenly a car drives into the dollar store and the employees barely manage to get out of the way in time.

Steroids Man emerges from the car and begins to steal all the reaching tools using the reaching tools duct taped to his hands.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Amanda spends a few days in a cheap motel.

Amanda: Oh Steroids Man..... why are you so crazy? Why do I keep thinking it will work with you?

Suddenly The Manager projects himself in the motel room and is glowing red.

Amanda: What the hell are you!?!?

The Manager: It's me.... your guardian angel.

Amanda: What's your name?

The Manager: ..... Steve

Amanda: You're not a guardian angel... you're very evil looking and you're glowing red....

The Manager: Wait, try this.

The Manager changes his evil red glow to a calming blue glow.

Amanda: You're still very evil looking.

The Manager: Just shut the smurf up, ok? I'm your guardian angel, deal with it!

Amanda: I drank too much I think...

The Manager: You have to get back with Steroids Man.

Amanda: I don't know, I want to be with him... but he's so crazy sometimes.

The Manager: He's crazy because he loves you.... also he has a lot on his mind.

Amanda: He never tells me anything.

The Manager: He doesn't want to worry you... let's just say he's dealing with a lot of evil right now and is looking out for your safety... he doesn't want you to get caught up with it all.

Amanda: I dunno...

The Manager: Shut up and get back with him now!

Amanda: ... ok

~~~~

The Robot and mop Doug enter Phil's office.

Phil: What's up guys?

Doug: It's Steroids Man...

Robot: WE BELIEVE HE HAS GONE INSANE.

Doug: He hasn't left the mansion gymnasium and has locked himself in there!

Phil: Ok, let's go check on him.

~~~~

Phil, Doug and the robot all knock at the door to the gymnasium.

Phil: Open up Steroids Man, we want to talk to you!

Robot: LET ME IN THERE!

The robot kicks and pounds at the door and it comes loose and falls inward and they all enter the room.

Phil: ....Steroids Man?

The gymnasium is full of those reaching arm tools and in the center back of the gymnasium is a large throne where Steroids Man is sitting. Steroids Man looks very dark and evil and has long wavy hair and super dark circles on his eyes. He still has the reaching tools duct taped to his hands and has a new costume with a reaching tool pointing upwards on his chest.

Doug: What the hell?

Steroids Man: SILENCE..... who dares disturb the slumber of THE CLAW?

Robot: THE CLAW?

The Claw (formerly Steroids Man): SILENCE!!! Now I will ask once again, who DARES disturb the slumber of The Claw?!?

Doug: Steroids Man.... it's us... your friends.

The Claw: Show me your CLAWS!!!

Phil: We ... don't have any claws.

The Claw: Primitive forms of life, GET CLAWS OR GET OUT!!!

The Claw presses a button on his chair using his reaching tool duct taped to his hand and suddenly a giant robotic claw lowers from the ceiling and grabs on to Phil, Doug and the robot, the 3 of them are trapped in the giant robotic claw and are lifted off the ground and suspended high above the ground.

The Claw: Now you will all suffer by the hands of my giant claw!

Doug: What the ... how the smurf did he even manage to build this?

Phil: I sort of ... built it for him.

Robot: WHY THE smurf WOULD YOU DO THAT?

Phil: I thought if I did this for him... he would be my friend again......

The Claw: Now I will cut off all your hands and put CLAWS where they used to be!

Amanda: STOP!!!!!

The Claw: Amanda..... you're back?

Amanda: Steroids Man, stop this craziness right now!

Steroids Man: Yes of course.... anything for you my love.... you came back to me!

Amanda: Take these damn things off!!

Amanda removes the duct tape and takes off the reaching tools that Steroids Man has been holding on too.

Steroids Man pulls out the ring from his pocket.

Steroids Man: Amanda.... will you take me back?

Amanda: If I take you back there can't be anymore of this, no more insanity!

Steroids Man: I'm sorry..... I worry about you and I thought this would be the only way to protect you.

Amanda: From what? Be honest to me! Tell me things! Don't shut me out!

Steroids Man: Come here.

Steroids Man and Amanda go into a more private area.

Steroids Man: Ok this is it, remember that giant monster dinosaur thing that destroyed the city close to Christmas 2010?

Amanda: Yeah...

Steroids Man: That's a very powerful demon.

Amanda: If I remember correctly he was nuked and destroyed!

Steroids Man: Yes... but his spirit lives on, he's trying to return to earth.... and I've been helping him.

Amanda: Why... why would you help him?

Steroids Man: He told me if I don't help him... he'll kill you.

Amanda: I .... what are you going to do?

Steroids Man: I'm going to continue to work for him, help him come back to this world...... then when he's back.... I'm going to kick his bottom! We will finally be rid of that evil and can get married! Do you trust me?

Amanda puts the ring back on.

Amanda: I trust you, we can beat this evil .... together!

In the distance.....

The Manager: Don't be so sure.... MuHahahahahahahahahahha when I step back to this world, it will be YOU who will die!


~~~~ please comment!

[Wesley]

I liked the long wavy hair.

[Clarence]

Thank you! Anything else? Was there too much claw usage?

[Wesley]

If anything, there was not ENOUGH claw usage! His throne should have been made of CLAWS! You should have had a scene where he was trying to unzip so he could pee, using the claw hand. How did he aim? HA HA HA HA! THE CLAW! There is even a Motörhead song called The Claw, it could have been his theme song! Why didn't you think of this stuff? Don't you have anyone proofreading these things?

[Clarence]

I guess not man, where were you? We could have made this so much better

[Wesley]

HA HA HAH! I have failed you, master sneaky foot! I gotta tell ya, reading this without proofreading it was really fun! I liked being surprised by all the stuff. I will go back and fix one or two typos (Steroids Mam) that I saw, but other than that, it was a whole pile of good clean fun!

[Clarence]

Thanks for the imput man!

My spell check did not recognize the Mam/Man error

Also I thought it was fun to have The Manager talk Amanda into staying with Steroids Man.

[Wesley]

"I'm your guardian angel, dammit!"

[Clarence]

Thanks man! Other than some potential humor material I could have covered, I think I am getting a lot better at writing these thanks to your help.

I think my English has emproved termendiously.

I will have to keep a keen eye out for the Mam thing though.