Chapter 120 --> The Loudening

[Clarence]

////////////////////////////////////////////

@This episode takes place IMMEDIATELY where the last episode left off. This episode may also be the most annoying thing ever written.

Shotgun Harry (cleaning his ear out with a gun): Man I have a lot of wax build up..... *BANG!!!!!*

Shotgun Harry blows his own head off and blood and brains spray all over Amanda and Steve.

Steve (clutching his heart): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH .... MY HEART.... CAN'T BREATHE....

Steve collapses on the ground and is lifeless.

Amanda kneels down and tries to revive Steve.

Amanda: STEVE!!!!!

Steve does not respond.

Tow Truck Operator: Ummm... this may be a bad time... but nobody actually paid me yet.

Amanda is slapping the crap out of Steve trying to revive him.

Amanda: STEVE!!!! PLEASE DON'T DIE ON ME!!!!

Tow Truck Operator: Is this some kind of elaborate prank to get out of paying me? Because people have gone to crazy lengths to avoid paying me...

Amanda: FOR smurf SAKES HELP ME!!!

Tow Truck Operator: What should I do???

Amanda: HELP ME BRING HIM INTO THE MANSION!!!

Amanda and the tow truck operator grab Steve and carry him inside the mansion and place him in the living-room.

Amanda: PHIL!!!!!!!!

Suddenly Phil materializes into the room.

Phil: Yay! Someone actually called for me!

Amanda: SHUT YOUR FACE AND HELP ME OUT!

Tow Truck Operator: ... what the hell is going on?

Phil: What's happening? Did Steve pass out from drinking too much again?

Amanda: I DON'T KNOW HE JUST smurf MENTIONED HIS HEART AND THEN PASSED OUT!

Phil: Oh crap... I was afraid of this....

Amanda: WHAT??!!

Phil: Just after you guys got engaged, Steve had a heart transplant giving him a much stronger rhino heart....

Amanda: OK, AND?!?

Phil: Well, just before he quit the steroids, I was giving him the most potent steroids I could make... his heart kind of became dependent on them, and with him quitting steroids and drinking so heavily, I knew it wouldn't be long before he had a heart attack and needed a transplant.

Amanda: OK THEN GIVE HIM A NEW RHINO HEART!!!

Phil: It's not that simple, first off I don't have a rhino heart, and secondly he wouldn't survive with a new rhino heart with no steroids in his system.

Amanda: BUT .... HE WENT INTO THE PAST WITH THE RHINO HEART AND HAD NO STEROIDS AND LIVED!! (season 6)

Phil: Yeah, but you see...

Amanda: COULD YOU smurf STOP BEING CALM AND SPEAK FASTER AND WITH A SENSE OF URGENCY?

Phil: Ok ... well... let me start over.

Amanda: FOR smurf SAKES!!! GET TO THE POINT YOU DULL smurf, MY HUSBAND'S LIFE IS ON THE LINE!

Phil quickly re-writes his programing to be able to talk faster.

Phil: (really fast): Steve's rhino heart didn't give out in the past despite lack of steroids because he was never given my super steroids and also the heart was new and strong at the time ... this current heart Steve has is worn out already because of the new extreme steroids he used and the alcohol and maybe any recent stress... Steve needs a transplant, but without being on steroids he can't go to another Rhino heart... he needs a human heart.

Amanda: WHERE CAN WE GET A HUMAN HEART?

Phil (still fast): That's the problem, I tried to get him on the donor list ever since he quit steroids but ... no luck. I'm sorry to say that this may be the end of Steve.

Amanda: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Amanda runs around and freaks out flailing her arms and then stops and realizes something.

Amanda: WAIT!!!! SHOTGUN HARRY JUST BLEW HIS BRAINS OUT!!! CAN WE USE HIS HEART!

Phil: Yes we can!

Amanda: WILL IT BE COMPATIBLE???

Phil: I will make it compatible!

~~~

We cut to an operating room inside the mansion. Steve's lifeless body is on one table and Shotgun Harry's headless body is on another. Phil, Amanda, Dougette, The robot and the tow truck driver are here.

Phil: Ok, I'm going to need you guys to do the operation for me since I can't touch anything!

Robot: WHAT IF YOU TRANSFER YOURSELF INTO MY BODY?

Phil: Your robot hands suck and aren't delicate enough for this procedure.

The robot looks at his hands sadly.

Robot: MY HANDS REALLY DO SUCK!!!

Amanda: TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!!

Tow Truck Driver: YES, PLEASE TELL US WHAT TO DO!!!

They begin working on Steve and removing the heart from Shotgun Harry. Amanda gets really nervous and the operating knife is shaking in her hand.

Amanda: OH CRAP I CAN'T DO IT!

Dougette: I guess it's up to me.

Robot: DON'T WORRY WE WILL SAVE YOUR HUSBAND WITH OUR LOVE!

Amanda: OH smurf ME!!!

The robot and Dougette begin working on Steve and smiling lovingly at each other.

Robot: YOU'RE SO SEXY DOUGETTE!

Dougette: No, you are my sexy metal man!

They begin to make out passionately over Steve's exposed heart hole.

Amanda: FOR smurf SAKES FOCUS!!!

They begin working under Phil's guidance and instructions.

Dougette: True love conquers everything!

Tow Truck Driver: You know what, you guys can just keep your money, I'm going to leave.

~~~~~~

30 terrifying hours later the operation is complete and Steve slowly opens his eyes.

Steve: Whaa... where...

Amanda: My baby!

Amanda kisses him joyfully.

Amanda: I'm so happy you're ok!

~~~~~~~

Cut to the evil professor William in his lab talking to someone off screen. Professor William hates Steroids Man with a passion and has been spying on him.

William: Well the evil GPS did better than I thought.... it gave the smurf a heart attack!

Voice off screen: Excellent!

William: Yes, they had to give him a heart transplant.

Voice off screen: How can we torture him next until I am ready to kill him?

William: Well... his replacement hero killed himself... he will need a new replacement... and I know just the guy, he is the most annoying person in the world!

Voice off screen: This should be SWEET!

~~~~~

Cut to a weird home in the trailer park and show only the outside of the trailer. We hear the following while seeing the outside of the trailer:

The phone is ringing...

Obnoxiously loud voice: I'LL GET IT!!!!

Dogs start barking all over and car alarms begin to go off.

Cut to the inside of the trailer and this larger, out of shape man with a mustache answers the phone wearing track pants.

Ryan: HELLO!!!!!!!!!

//

Show William on the other end of the phone holding the receiver very far away.

William: Holy crap he's even louder than I remember!

Ryan: WHO IS THIS!?!?!?!

William: It's your distant cousin William, you loud bastard!

Ryan: WHAT DO YOU WANT??!?!

William: Son of a .... you know how you wanted to be a super hero?

Ryan: YEAH??!?!?

William: Well I happen to know that there's an opening to replace Steroids Man!

Ryan: REALLY?!?!?!?!

William: Yes, and if you go to his house exactly when I say, you can get in!

Ryan: Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

William: SHUT THE smurf UP!!!

~~~~~~

At the mansion... Dougette and the robot are out on an amazing adventure. Phil is turned off because he was bothering Steve when he was trying to sleep. Amanda is at Steve's bed as he rests.

Amanda: Ohhh my poor baby. Are you feeling better?

Steve: I think so .... I'm so high right now....

Amanda: Yeah, we maybe gave you too much pain killer.

Steve: I want pumpkin pie.

Amanda: Sorry... we don't have any.

Steve: PLEASE!!!!

Amanda: Ok, I'll quickly run to the store and get you some. Be right back!

Amanda quickly runs out and gets in her car and speeds off, leaving Steve alone. Don't worry, if Steve is in trouble he can yell Phil's name and it will reactivate him.

After Amanda is gone Ryan goes to the door and rings the bell.

Steve (groggy): What the ... smurf....

Ryan keeps ringing the bell over and over.

Ryan (super sonic loud): HELLO!?!?!??!

Steve rolls over and falls out of bed and slowly gets up.

Steve: What the hell kind of demon is that?

As the doorbell continues to ring unmercifully and with no relent, Steve gets pissed off and takes a swig of whiskey and hobbles to the door and opens it.

Steve: What the smurf!?!?!?!

Ryan: HEY BUDDY, REMEMBER ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Steve: HELL NO!!!!

Ryan: REMEMBER I WAS IN YOUR SUPER HERO CLASS BEFORE!!!!!!!

Steve: What do you smurf want???

Ryan: I WANT TO BE YOUR REPLACEMENT HERO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve (still really doped up): Fine, will you shut the smurf up if I do?

Ryan: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve: Ok, then you're the new hero!

Ryan: AWESOME, JUST SIGN HERE!!!

Steve goes to sign a piece of paper and is wobbling around still really high.

Ryan: ALSO SIGN HERE!!!! (Steve does it) ....AND HERE .... (Steve does it) .... ... AND INITIAL HERE!!!!

Steve finished filling out the paper work and then passes out in the mansion entrance.

Ryan: ROCKIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M A REAL HERO NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~~~~~~

Steve wakes up in bed very groggy but a little more coherent to see Amanda hovering over his bed with a piece of paper and angry look on her face.

Steve: Good morning Alicia.

Amanda: What the smurf did you do?

Steve: Hey.... where's my apple pie?

Amanda: You asked for PUMPKIN PIE!

Steve: That doesn't sound like me.

Amanda: What did you do while I was gone?

Steve: I don't remember....

Amanda: I'll remind you. You signed a contract hiring the most loudest annoying guy in the world to be your replacement hero!

Steve: I thought that was just a nightmare I had....

Amanda: No ... it's real... it's too real!

Suddenly Ryan busts in with a party hat on and some balloons.

Ryan: HOPE YOU ARE FEELING BETTER!!!!!!!!

Steve clutches his new heart and screams in pain.

Amanda: Be careful!!! Phil said not to clutch your heart for at least 2 weeks!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ryan is in the kitchen getting a bowl of cereal and the robot comes into the room.

Ryan: HEY METAL GUY, DO WE HAVE ANY FROOT LOOPS IN THIS PIECE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Robot: OUCH MY ROBOT EARS!!!! YOU ARE LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS SIR!!!! GOOD DAY!!!!

The robot leaves the room pissed off.

Ryan: I NEED MY FROOT LOOPS!!!!

Suddenly the door bell rings and Ryan decides to answer and opens the door. It's Dave! He's bundled warmly and wearing a toque, scarf and gloves.

Dave: Hey man.... I'm back, and boy do I have a story to tell!

Ryan: HELLO THERE BUDDY!!!!!!!!!!!

Dave takes a step back and is very startled.

Dave: Whoa!!!

Dave kind of steps back again and has a jazz hands attack and runs away.

Ryan: NICE TO MEET YOU!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve comes down late at night to get a drink to ease his surgery pains and sees Ryan in a room with a table set up and cards and poker chips.

Steve: What's going on?

Ryan: MY POKER BUDDIES ARE COMING OVER!!

Steve: ...it's 1 AM.

Ryan: THAT'S WHEN THE PARTY STARTS BUDDY!!!!

Suddenly the door bell rings.

Ryan: THEY'RE HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryan lets two guys in who both seem kind of ridiculous, they sit down at the table and join Ryan.

Ryan (to Steve): COME PLAY POKER WITH US!!!!!!

Steve: Sure, I can't sleep anyway.

Ryan: THESE ARE MY FRIENDS, FRANKIE AND DAN!!!

Dan: How you doing?

Steve: Ok I guess...

Dan: ASSES IN MY FACE!!!

Steve gets startled and spill some beer on his chest burning his recently operated on chest area.

Steve: What the hell was that!

Dan: What was what..... shazam! ALL OVER THE KITCHEN SINK!!!

Steve: There it is again, what are you doing?

Ryan: TRY TO BE SENSITIVE, DAN HAS TOURETTES!!!!!!

Dan: That's right! I caught tourettes from a toilet seat.

Steve just pauses and thinks about that one.

Dan: TITS UP MY bottom!!!!

Steve: Wait wait wait... you caught tourettes from a toilet seat?

Dan: That's right!

Steve: No... you can't get tourettes from a toilet seat.

Dan: Let me tell you the story! PISS ALL OVER MY PANTS!!!!!

**flashback to Dan walking into a bar and being a real balloon knot.

Dan: What are you going to do about it jabberwocky?

Suddenly we see a toilet seat go flying across the room and smack Dan in the head HARD and he stumbles around for a bit.

Dan: shazam! smurf bottom jabberwocky TITS smurf!!!!!!!!!!!!

**end flashback and back to the poker game.

Steve: That's the most retarded story I ever heard.

Ryan: ANYWAY, LET'S PLAY SOME POKER!!!!!!! YOU DEAL FRANKIE!!!!!!!

Frankie is very shaky and is trying to talk.

Frankie: Yeah.... yeah.... yeah..... gomma gib out dose cards out and ....and... 3 .... and .... jad is wild.

Steve: What the smurf did he just say?

Ryan: WHOA!!!! BE NICE TO FRANKIE HE HAS FETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME!!!!!

Steve: What?

Dan: His Mom drank when she was pregnant and he's all smurf up.... COCKS ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!!

Ryan DO YOU HAVE ANY BEER!?!?!?! THIS WOULD BE A LOT MORE FUN WITH BEER, RIGHT!?!?!!?!?

Steve: My smurf ears hurt so bad.... yes I have beer, follow me.

Steve leads them into a large room that's basically built like a huge refrigerator that's FILLED with beer. Ryan and his friends are in shock and look on with their jaws dropped.

Ryan: OH YEAH IT'S smurf PARTY TIME TONIGHT!!!!!!

~~~

Everyone is drinking and playing poker and have now had a few drinks.

Steve: Ok Frankie, it's your deal... what's wild?

Frankie (talking normal and not shaking): Well, for this game I think I would like kings to be wild and only one toss.

Steve: Wait.... you're talking perfectly, earlier I couldn't make out a damn thing you were saying.

Frankie finishes another beer.

Frankie: Yeah, it's the damndest thing, when I drink I'm completely fine.

Dan: PENISES IN THE ATTIC!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Professor William is in his lab.

Voice off screen: Any updates on Steroids Man?

William: No.... all of my listening devices I planted overloaded.....

Voice off screen: shazam!!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning Amanda comes down to see all the guys from the poker party passed out and mountains of beer bottles all over.

Amanda: What the smurf happened down here???

Steve sits up and looks like shazam!.

Steve: Oh man.... I definitely shouldn't have hung out with the most annoying people in the world and drank so much last night after that heart surgery.... *vomits*

Amanda: You're not support to drink at all after heart surgery!

Some of the cats come in to see what's going on.

Ryan (sitting up): MORNING Y'ALL!!!!!!!

The cats bolt out of the room scared for their lives.

Amanda: Ok, we need to have a meeting!

~~~~

Amanda, Steve, Dougette, The Robot and Phil are all in the living room meeting with Ryan, Frankie and Dan.

Amanda: Ok Ryan, we all need to talk to you.

Ryan: ABOUT WHAT!?!??!

Amanda: You're not a real super hero!

Ryan: OF COURSE I AM!!!!!!!

Amanda: No you're not! You have no powers! You're just a loud annoying guy!

Robot: HE'S RIGHT! YOU ARE VERY LOUD! LAST NIGHT I DEACTIVATED MY AUDIO RECEPTORS TO TRY TO SLEEP AND I COULD STILL HEAR YOU TALKING!!!

Ryan: MY LOUD VOICE IS JUST PART OF MY CHARM!!!!

Dougette: Damn it man, would you smurf try whispering!

Ryan: OK, YOU GUYS WANT ME TO WHISPER??? YOU REALLY REALLY WANT ME TO WHISPER!?!?!?!

Steve: Yes, PLEASE!!!! Good grief please smurf whisper!

Ryan: OK, HERE GOES GUYS!!!!!

Ryan takes a minute and closes his eyes and meditates and breathes in and prepares to speak.

Ryan: THERE AM I WHISPERING NOW!!!!?!?!?!?!?

Everybody holds their ears and collectively shouts NOOOO!!!

Ryan: WELL I CAN'T WHISPER NO MORE THAN A BLACK MAN CAN MIRACULOUSLY TURN WHITE AT THE SNAP OF A FINGER

Steve (holding his face into his hands sobbing): What does that even mean...

Phil: I think what people are trying to say here is that you're not a hero, and maybe this job isn't right for you.

Ryan: I AM TOO A HERO!!!

Amanda: Prove it.

Ryan: YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT!??!!?!?!?

Amanda: Yes please do.

Ryan busts out an old and large boombox and holds it over his head.

Ryan: OK, HERE'S YOUR PROOF!!!!

The boombox begins to play "C & C Music factory - Everybody dance now" EXTREMELY LOUD and Ryan Begins thrusting in front of Steve.

Steve: What the smurf is this?!?!?!?

Ryan: I'M SHOWING YOU MY TALENT!!!!!!!

As Ryan talks the speakers begin to make loud high pitched horrible noises that cause everyone great pain.

Amanda (holding her ears): WHAT THE smurf IS HAPPENING?!?!?!

Phil: RYAN IS SO LOUD THAT HE'S CAUSING FEEDBACK IN THE BOOMBOX SPEAKERS!!!!!

Ryan jumps up on the coffee table and begins to thrust himself in everyone's faces. Everyone leaves as Ryan keeps on dancing.

~~~~~~~

Steve and Amanda are going for a walk along the beach to try to calm down after living with Ryan.

Amanda: How's your heart doing?

Steve: Better.... I used to heal faster when I was on steroids....

Amanda: Sorry baby.

Amanda picks up a spiral seashell and hands it to Steve.

Amanda: Does this make you feel better?

Steve: Maybe...

Amanda: Place it next to your ear and you'll hear the ocean!

Steve: Ok.

Steve places the shell up to his ear for a moment and then moves it away while looking very sad.

Amanda: What's wrong? Did you hear the ocean?

Steve: No.... I heard Ryan talking!

Amanda: What? Let me see that.

Amanda holds the shell to her ear.

Seashell with Ryan's voice: NO, I TOLD YOU I WANTED TO UP-SIZE MY FRIES ONLY, LEAVE THE DRINK THE SAME!!!

Amanda throws the shell away and looks at Steve sadly.

Steve: We have to get rid of that guy.

Amanda: What are we going to do?

Steve: I don't know.... it seems like my last replacements have died horribly.... maybe we need to wait this one out?

Amanda: I got the feeling this guy is too annoying to die.

Steve: Me too.

Amanda: We're just going to have to take him aside and fire him.

Steve: I never had to fire one of my replacements before... this is going to be hard.

Amanda puts her hand on Steve's shoulder.

Amanda: You can do it babe, then we can try to call the Texas Tornado again or somebody and finally retire and finally have some kids!!

Steve smiles.

~~~~~

Ryan is in the back yard behind the mansion hitting trees with a gulf club causing wood chips and pieces of bark to fly all over and Steve approaches him.

Steve: What the hell are you doing?

Ryan: I'M PLAYING GULF BUDDY!!!!

Steve: You're... not....

Ryan: WELL I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY GULF SO I MAKE MY OWN RULES!!!!

Steve: Get the smurf in my office!

~~~~~~

Steve escorts Ryan to Phil's office and opens the door to find Phil in his desk working.

Steve: We need this office.

Phil: But...

Steve: OUT!!!

Phil looks sad and quickly fades away and then Steve sits in Phil's seat asking Ryan to sit on the couch on the other side of the desk.

Steve: Ok, Ryan... this is never easy....

Ryan: WHAT'S UP BUDDY!!!!

Steve: SHUT YOUR LOUD MOUTH!!!!

Ryan looks shocked.

Steve: I'm sorry... that was the heart surgery talking, not me. *takes a sip of beer*

Ryan: WELL WHAT'S GOING ON!?!??!

Steve: We're going to have to let you go....

Ryan: WHAT.....

Steve: It's just not working out... I'm sorry.

Ryan: BUT... THIS IS MY LIFE LONG DREAM..... I CAN'T GO BACK TO MY WIFE AND KID AS A FAILURE....

Steve: smurf off, you're the father of someone????

Ryan: *crying* YES I AM!!!!! MY KID IS GOING TO BE DEVASTATED ... AM I REALLY FIRED???

Steve looks at this crying loud balloon knot and feels very bad for him and can't pull the trigger.

Steve: No... you're not fired.

Ryan: OHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

Steve: Yeah...

Ryan: CAN I GO NOW??

Steve: No, you better stay right here....

###

Steve goes outside the office leaving Ryan inside and Amanda approaches. Steve shuts the door.

Amanda: Did you fire him?

Steve: No... turns out it's much harder than I thought.

Amanda: Oh come on, did you cave?

Steve: Maybe a little.

Amanda: You need to be real stern in there, you need to be a real cold faced bastard and just drop the news.

Steve: .... do you think a cold faced jabberwocky might work out better at this?

Amanda: Fine I'll do it.

###

Amanda is sitting in Phil's chair facing Ryan.

Amanda: I'm just here to follow up on your conversation with Steve earlier.

Ryan: I'M SO EXCITED FOR MY SON'S BIRTHDAY TODAY!!!

Amanda: ... what?

Ryan: HE IS GOING TO BE 5 YEARS OLD!!!!! TODAY!!!

Amanda looks really sad and looks down at her belly and then speaks.

Amanda: Damn it!

###

Amanda and Steve are outside the office leaving Ryan inside.

Steve: What happened?

Amanda: It's his kid's birthday today... I can't fire a guy on his kid's birthday!!

Steve: How does that guy have a kid?

Amanda: I don't know, but he's so smurf loud I bet when he yelled "PUSH" everyone in the hospital gave birth at the same time.

Steve (laughing his bottom off): That's hilarious!

Amanda: But seriously though.... We need to get someone else to fire him!

Steve: Who could pull this off?

###

Ryan is still inside the office while Steve and Amanda are outside, this time Dougette joins them.

Dougette: So all I have to do is go in there and fire that really loud guy?

Steve: Yup.

Amanda: But be careful, it's really hard to fire that guy.

Steve: Oh come on, we're talking to Doug.

Dougette (pulling out a knife): Should I use my knife to really put a scare into him?

Steve thinks for a second.

Steve: Yes.

###

Dougette is now sitting in Phil's chair and looks really smug.

Dougette: So..... causing some problems are we?

Ryan: WHAT????

Dougette: Your services are no longer required here my friend.

Ryan: WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?!?!??!?!?!

Dougette: I MEAN YOU'RE smurf FIRED!!!!

Ryan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Dougette (standing up and holding her knife): NOBODY LIKES YOU AND GET THE smurf OUT!!!!

Ryan stands up and cries and runs out of the office.

Ryan (to Steve and Amanda) HOW COULD YOU.... ON MY SON'S BIRTHDAY!?!?!?!?!?!? I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO HURT IN MY LIFE!!!!

Ryan storms off and runs outside leaving the door open and disappearing in the distance, his cries of anguish can still be heard for miles away.

Amanda and Steve look really sad about what happened.

Dougette: Man... you guys are balloon knot.

~~~~~

Amanda and Steve feel really bad about what happened and decide to drive around town looking for Ryan to maybe apologize or something but hopefully not get suckered into hiring him back.

Amanda (driving): Where do you think he went?

Steve looks over to see many people holding their ears as if they just heard some kind of horrible and annoying loud noise.

Steve: Let's follow the trail of people holding their ears in pain and also the scream marks on the buildings.

Amanda: Good plan!

Steve: We better hurry because it's starting to get very foggy and that's going to make this harder....

~~~~~

After a few hours of searching, they find the trail ends at a lighthouse. Amanda parks the car and they get out. It's now very foggy.

Amanda: Where do you think he went next?

Steve looks over to see a few homeless sitting around holding their ears and the trail leads to the door of the lighthouse.

Steve: He must be INSIDE the lighthouse!

Amanda and Steve approach the lighthouse and they hear the loudest foghorn they have ever heard, it's so deafeningly loud they fall to their knees.

Amanda: WHAT THE HELL!!!

Amanda and Steve finally make it to the door of the lighthouse but it's locked.

Amanda: Now what?

Steve (drawing a gun): I got this!

Steve takes the gun and smashes the door knob off and the door swings open. They run up the stairs to see Ryan sitting in a chair at the top of the lighthouse roof, completely exposed to the elements.

Steve: ... Ryan?

Ryan stands up and breaths in deep and then...

Ryan: BWAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Amanda and Steve fall to their knees and hold on to their ears TIGHTLY in pain..... a bit of blood drops out of Steve's mouth.

Amanda: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

Ryan: I GOT REALLY DEPRESSED AND GOT A JOB AS A FOG HORN!!!!!!!!!

Steve: PLEASE STOP!!!!!

Ryan: I'M BEING A HERO DAMN IT!!!! I NEED TO STOP THESE SHIPS FROM CRASHING TO THE SHORE!!!!!!!

Amanda: LET THEM CRASH!!!!

Steve: THERE'S NO smurf SHIPS ANYWHERE AROUND HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE SO smurf LOUD YOU SCARED THEM ALL OFF!!!

Ryan (looking with binoculars): THERE'S ANOTHER ONE!!!! AND SHE'S COMING IN HOT!!!!!

Ryan arches his back and sucks in a HUGE load of air.

Ryan: BWAAAAAA AAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..........

Ryan screams so loud his mustache flies off and then he turns red from exhaling so hard and collapses on the roof of the lighthouse.

~~~~~~~

Steve and Amanda are waiting in the hospital for a doctor and finally one comes.

Doctor: I'm afraid I got some bad news about your friend...

Amanda: ...yeah?

Doctor: I'm afraid his vocal cords have been strained beyond repair.... he may never speak again.

Steve: Wooot!!! Yeah! That's what I'm talking about!!!

Amanda hugs the doctor very tightly.

Amanda: Thank you!

Steve raises his hand to the doctor.

Steve: High five!

The doctor just looks at them with a very confused look.

~~~~~

Steve and Amanda are back home and Steve opens a celebratory drink.

Steve: What a perfect ending to a perfect day!

Amanda: I can't believe it's only 4 PM.

Suddenly Ryan comes in with a neck brace on and Amanda and Steve look on confused.

Ryan (normal voice): Hey guys... I guess you heard ... I'm a mute now.

Steve: Hey, you're fixed! You can talk without screaming!

Amanda: ...why are you in a neck brace?

Ryan: Guys... even though I can't talk, I know sign language. A lot of my family is deaf, so I had to learn it.

Steve: Gee, I wonder why.

Amanda: I thought we fired you.

Ryan: Let me tell you guys a story.

Ryan begins to move his hands about frantically using sign language. His hand movements are so loud and all over the place he's knocking shazam! down and smacking Steve and Amanda in the face.

Amanda: DAMN IT RYAN!!!!! USE YOUR INDOOR HANDS!!!!!!!

~~~~~~~~~

Amanda and Steve are in the bathroom crying and holding each other.

Amanda: This is our life now.

Steve: Here, drink some of this wine with me.

Amanda: I can't.

Steve: Why not?

Suddenly Ryan busts into the bathroom to see Amanda and Steve on the floor by the toilet.

Ryan: Hey guys, come downstairs quick, we're about to sing happy birthday to my son!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Amanda and Steve enter their kitchen to see a kid on a chair in front of a cake and some woman who must be Ryan's wife. Also some other members of Ryan's family are here. Steve now realizes that after drinking all day, he has to pee really bad.

Kid: DADDY I AM SO EXCITED FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Steve: Oh yeah right!

Ryan: Ok, let's all sing happy birthday!

Steve: I gotta pee!

Steve turns around to leave and Ryan stops him.

Ryan: We got to sing happy birthday to my kid first!

Amanda: Does your kid even have a name???

Steve: I really need to go to the bathroom!

Ryan: Just wait to sing the song with us, it means a lot to him.

Steve: I can't hold it anymore.

Ryan: It takes like 10 seconds to sing happy birthday!!!

Suddenly Ted comes over in a party hat.

Ted: I need to talk to you about your newest replacement.

Ryan: You need to SING TO MY KID!!!!!!

Everyone holds their ears in pain and alarms begin to go off all over the city and we hear dogs barking for miles.

Ryan: HEY!!!!!! MY VOICE CAME BACK!!!!! MY VOICE CAME BACK!!!!!!!!! IT'S A MIRACLE!!!!!

Steve: GET THE smurf OUT, NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryan (holding a piece of paper): I HAVE A CONTRACT!!!!

Steve takes the contract out of Ryan's hands and rips it to pieces. We then see the mansion from an outside perspective and see Ryan and his family all take turns getting booted out the door and the door shuts.

*pause*

The door opens again and the birthday cake goes flying out and splatters on the ground.

Ryan and the rest of his family stand up and shake the dirt off themselves.

Ryan: WE DON'T NEED THEM!!!! COME ON FAMILY, LET'S GO HOME!!!!

Ryan whistles the loudest, bird exploding whistle he can make and yells....

Ryan: TAXI!!!!!

EVERY taxi in the city hear the scream and come rushing to the mansion and all crash into each other and create a huge pile up of carnage and destruction. Ryan and his family look on at all the burning cars.

*pause*

Kid: DADDY, YOU'RE TOO LOUD!!!!!

/end